The fact remains that so much of this has resulted from H's poor choices...how do I encourage him to make better choices and hold his feet to the fire when he makes bad ones ==========
Even though my reaction was understandable (when I found out about A and other details) the way I reacted showed my H that in now way was I able to learn the truth and deal with it without "punishing" him. I think that's why he hid so many things, thinking I'd hit the roof if I learned, just like I did when I uncovered a few other things.
It has been hard for me to learn to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am pushing myself to do it, and it paid off recently. Example, I found somethings that H was supposed to get rid off, among them a pict of halloween in which ow and him had gone in matching "wizard of oz" customes". At the same time, mcDonalds was releasing W of Oz dolls and one day I find a handfull of them in his car, and I thought they were for my daughter.
Few days later we clean his car to load some furniture and the dolls aren't there. I ask him about it and he says "don't know". My mind starts racing because last week was ow's bday, I'm thinking "he gather those dolls to send to her". That sat. he stays sleep while I take kids to church. At some point I'm practically in a frenzy, foaming at the mouth from anger that he's done such thing, I'm dead sure he's done it. I go home, look through his stuff trying to find "evidence". Nothing is found, I go back to church (I had sneaked out during kids' classes).
I was going to tear him a new one, I pictured myself telling him he might as well pack up and go with that slut...etc etc, the whole 9 yards. Thank heavens I'm in church, I calm down a bit, and I pray hard to calm down and have the wisdom to bring this up without raising hell and screaming. I get home and check his call log online, there is a call not yet specified at 6:30am, I'm sure he called ow to wish her happy bday. H is half awake and asks me what's going on. I sat down, and calmly say:"I want to trust you but I'm not sure you are telling me the truth and are hiding stuff from me, did you send her something?", and we go from there. H tells me that the dolls are somewhere in the house; that he kept the picts to remind him not to ever go there again, that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and to remember if ever thinks of doing that again that it was a terrible idea. No yelling, no screaming. I ask to see his tmessages, he shows me. Then I ask to see his log call, at this point he says 'this is ridiculous, i'm not showing you anything because you are going too far'. In the past I would've kept on going and gotten madder and madder. But this time I know that all I'll accomplish by forcing the issue is to shut him down. I tell himI think he prob is hiding something that's why he won't show me. I quietly get up and go downstairs to watch tv w/kids. A few min later he comes down, sits next to me and shows me his log (as he is doing so I'm sure he's erased the ow call). And lo and behold, there it is, the 6:30am call to his coworker...
Two other things happen this week, I could've been mad and rammed into him about it, but I chose to conmiserate, and to realize he already felt bad about it and shut my mouth before I started with "why didnt' you.." or "I can't believe you..."
In the long run, our attitude towards their mistakes might teach them that we are safe ground. There is nothing else we can do to encourage them to make better choices. I have to revise my "Power of a praying wife" to remind me that we can not make our Hs make good choices, we can only pray for them.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat--THANK YOU for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I have learned a ton from you over the last several months and will always think of you with respect and admiration.
Sigh. I keep looking for guarantees that everything will come together for my happy-ever-after, though I know that's not what life is truly about--I need to work more on getting rid of expectations and surrendering myself to seeking and following God's will for me. Worrying and obsessing over H's commitment or lack thereof is in essence displaying my own lack of faith.
That said, H kept his appt with C yesterday. It took some restraint on my part, but I refrained from hounding him about it--I quickly reminded him in the morning before he left for work and that was it. I don't know how it went, etc. H's only comment was "Counseling is definitely for you." He has said many times before that he doesn't think it will do him any good, and I realize that it likely will not if he isn't interested in truly participating. Regardless, his effort to actually go shows that he really is willing to do a lot for our R. And that means a lot to me.
So I continue on, keeping my eyes open, but giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'll just keep working on me and enjoying the positives--things are 500% better today than they were three years ago. My hope is that in three more years, I can say the same thing!
Thanks for your input BeingMe--it is up to our H's, no doubt. It is certainly a big risk for us to place trust in them, and we can only do what we can do.
I appreciate the information you sent over--sometimes I secretly wish we could sit down with Dr. Phil and have him knock some sense into H, but I know that H is a big boy who knows that he's done wrong and that someone calling him on the carpet for it will not improve the sitch at all. But we can always fantasize for a moment, dont'cha think?
"Counseling is definitely for you." He has said many times before that he doesn't think it will do him any good, and I realize that it likely will not if he isn't interested in truly participating.
Aud just my two cents.
If he is anything like most guys including myself, we are fixers and want to fix our own problems and issue with out outside help because in our minds it makes us feel week. Just my 2 cents. However, him agreeing to go is great. Keep up the good work and progress.
Ben
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Elephants aren't meant to curl up in our laps--it IS too uncomfortable. I can't change my elephant into a cat either. So I guess I'll just love my elephant the way he is.
Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me.
And thanks for your input on this. I appreciate your insight and will take it into consideration. So what is your advice on dealing with the habitual lying?
Both, but the biggest for me: he has been straight-to-my-face denying the existence/continued R with OW1 for three years...up until I followed him last month and saw him with her (after seven months of no trips to her city). Lots of big lies all wrapped up in that one. I've also stumbled upon many things (i.e. existence of OW2's twins who could very likely be his) that indicate some very large lies of omission. He admits to being a compulsive liar.
