Light at the End?

[Aud31]

Morning Sol,

I think Rob's comments are right on target here. You have made so much progress in learning to choose your actions in the midst of emotional chaos. Can you find the strength to approach W in this way?

You've mentioned before that you want a loving, respectful R someday, and IMHO, being able to discuss serious issues is a vital part of that kind of R. You can't control W's reaction or level of maturity for that matter, but being able to participate in that kind of an interaction on your part is something worth developing.

[PArob]

Good points made by Aud.

...and to add to those commnents, notice too that it IS an emotionally charged conversation that you will be embarking upon, and its likely that she will get angry, upset, gaurded, etc....its easier to project the negative feelings she may be having about all of it back onto you.

This is why its critical to have a conversation instead of the confrontation. I doubt afterwards that she'll fall into your arms swooning with relief and admiration, but what it will accomplish is at least allowing you to air your concerns, fears, etc. and hopefully reign in any negative passive-aggressive behavior.

[Astimegoeson]

I knew about my W's affair Months before I brought it up to her. I also had solid evidence which even to this day she doesn't know I have.

I approached the topic in a calm manner without judgement and without ultimatums and my w still became confrontational on the subject, so be prepared. It's a bonus if she actually sits down with you and talks rationally about it. That would be an excellent sign that she's willing to work on your M though.

If she doesn't want to talk about it or becomes angry, defensive, or guarded about it, drop the subject and walk away. Don't argue your points or try to show her proof. She'll understand inside that you know and it will change the dynamics of your relationship with her from that point on. She'll realize how you feel about it even if she doesn't express it outwardly.

It's really for your benefit and well being to bring it up. It's not necessarily to save your M although it is something that needs to be discussed if reconciliation is possible.

Either way, you know your not going to be able to keep this bottled up inside while living on top of each other.

I struggled where you are for the longest time it seems. The similarities are just uncanny to me. I sometimes wonder if they all carry the same play book with them.

[~Sol]

I'm going to have the "talk" with my W.

I don't want to be married to her if she keeps swaying back and forth between me and that SOB.

Is this really worth ending a relationship?????

I see she has way too many text messages during her working hours when she "supposedly" doesn't have time to "chat". I have texted her and she never returns my messages when she works, but she can with her "friends".

I do not trust her at all.

[~Sol]

OK, I WANT to have the "talk" with my W, but I am holding off. I am actually calm now, after getting a flat tire on my lunch break and changing the darn thing in the hot sun in the middle of lunch traffic. It was a humbling experience, and I called my W to let her know, well, I sent her a picture of me and the missing tire. She called me right back and asked if I was OK. I told her it was no big thing and that I was able to get it fixed. I got my business clothes dirty though, luckily I had a Java Chip Frappuccino with me.

I don't know if my W's coming around is real or not. That's one thing that is holding me back from having this talk. I don't want to confront - done too much of that, and it never ends good with no real results.

[runningoutoftime]

I would hate for all of this to happen again.

Weirdly, it's much easier to recover the second time around.

I think I've found it easier because now I see it more as a problem in my husband (like drugs or alcohol would be), then something wrong with me or the marriage. I think realizing that it's a problem he has, or a weakness of his, has made it much easier for me to accept and deal with.

I know not all affairs fall in that category, but regardless of the reasons for an affair, the response, or choise of participating in one is definitely a personal weakness or flaw that eventually needs to be recognized and dealt with.

[~Sol]

I was just thinking about that today. I just can't go and have an affair knowing I am already with someone, my W. I see it also as a character flaw, a weakness, but I see that I take half of the blame for pushing her away. We both pushed each other away, I just chose not to have an affair. I talk to both male and female, but I am careful on how far I go when talking to a female. There is a line I do not cross.

For her, its an addiction, and she's slowly coming off of it. I see lots of positives that I am taking for granted. I don't want to make the mistake of ignoring those positives and thus throwing my M away because I was "too stubborn" to see that she was making a huge attempt to come back to me.

I see that she is concerned for me, asks how I am doing, and she senses I am deeply troubled. I can't hide it from her, I'm not a good liar. I want to trust her again and beleive she's for real without letting my guard down and getting hurt more.

I am still struggling with detaching. It comes and goes.

[~Sol]

I'm doing better right now but I despise the continued contact with a$$hole and their continued friendship after what they did. This is just freakin fantastic......(sigh).

Of course she won't tell me the truth, so why should I let my guard down and begin to trust her? I really don't know what she wants, I tried to talk to her about it, she gets defensive with R talks, even if I approach her in a calm manner and don't raise my voice.

I am thinking that perhaps I am really am her "meal ticket"......

[~Sol]

OK, I have a question. If my W is acting positive around me, why does she continue to have contact with that SOB???

See why I don't trust her?? Is she still afraid for what I might do/react about her PA? I just question her behavior. Her gestures of affection are nice, and welcomed, but I am not convinced.

[lovelyolive]

Hi Sol - It's nice to see that your W is finally treating you decently. Trust takes a long time to rebuild and she hasn't been completely open and honest with you yet. Until everything is out in the open, you will not be able to fully trust her. It's a process, though, Sol. It will take time.

I thought that the SOB OM was moving last month? Or, was that just another one of his bs lies?