lonely and tired of caring

[RedHeadWife]

I'm pretty sure you looked at one of my threads and seemed to think that our sitch's were somewhat similar.

I can give you some insight from my POV. My H dropped the D bomb and I did a 360 (I'm not saying that's what you should do, just giving you insight from my sitch). We had for years gotten to the point where it was just living day to day. I never wanted to have sex and I didn't realize how damaging that is to an M -- I didn't realize how that feels like rejection to the other person. I have now been on both sides of that coin.

H had gotten to the point where he was having (another) EA and "loved me as a person and the mother of his children, but that was it." He just deployed for a year and we are WONDERFUL now. I didn't realize how much I was missing by not putting the effort into having an R w/ my husband as well as everything else (taking care of kids, working, etc.) Sometimes I feel as if I wasted so much time, but I don't dwell on that.

I realize that I had gotten to the point where I was not happy "just being the mom" which is what I felt like. I kind of felt like I needed/wanted to be taken care of too and that was H's job. What I've finally realized is that the W is the one who kind of has to do everything, but I am now not resentful for that at all. The W is the one who needs to take care of the kids and also have a meaningful R w/ her H and she needs to make the effort to make that happen or it will fall by the wayside.

I'm not sure how your W would feel about this or if she is at a point where she can accept that. Many here may disagree w/ me on this, but this is just how I feel. Yes, the H needs to put the effort into the M also but I guess my H felt he was doing that and I didn't really see that. It could also be personalities too. I think my H needs more nurturing and "taking care of" than some.

This may sound very old-fashioned and people who know me well would be astonished that I'm saying it, but I don't think things have changed so much over the years. The W & mom truly is the one who needs to hold the household together and that includes the M as well. Like I said, this is all just my opinion.

I guess I don't really know what to tell YOU to do as it was the other way around in my M. My H was ready to walk and I made sure that didn't happen. Your W needs to get to the point where she wants to save your M and put in the effort/work that's needed.

Because of everything that has happened, I see my H very differently than I had for YEARS. He is now very attractive to me, sexy and I want him all the time. I guess I had "kid goggles" on for too long (kinda like beer goggles, but kids instead Anyway, I wasn't looking at our M or R the same way anymore once we had children. The dynamics change so much after you have children. I guess what I've learned is that it doesn't have to as much as it sometimes does. I did a 360 and made sure that I brought back a MEANINGFUL R w/ my H and not just a "mom and dad" R. We aren't just our children's mom & dad. I'm not just a "mom" but that's how I felt or maybe thought I should be, therefore I wasn't happy either. I NEEDED to still feel like a woman and making sure my R w/ my husband was healthy reinstated that.

I guess I kind of rambled here. I've been thinking A LOT (especially w/ H leaving). I still have issues w/ trust b/c of the A's, but I know that will take time. I can honestly say though that w/ my work & effort, I totally turned my M around and it is so very fulfilling now for both of us. Like I said, I didn't realize how much was missing until we got it back.