Sol, UA brings up a valid point in regards to "embarrassment". Maybe your W is embarrassed about the affair and can't/won't be able to face it openly with you in an honest manner.
I know my stbx is embarrassed about her affair. She can no longer "hide" her activities from me, but she still keeps him a secret to her friends and family. She cares what others think about her and I don't think she wants that "tramp" or "cheater" title applied by her by her piers. Just my observation from knowing how she thinks, it may be different for you W.
When I first brought the OM up to her and me knowing everything about their affair, she became angry, guarded, and defensive about it. I'm still not sure what to make of that initial reaction, but I know she doesn't like the subject of the OM coming up. I have not had relationship talk with her in months, so OM has not been brought up.
I can tell you my stbx and OM's relationship matters very little to me at this point except for OM's possible influence with my S7. That's a whole other discussion though. I don't think I would have been able to move past the stage your in without bring the OM up to her regardless of her reaction.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
