Please please please quit playing a passive victim:
"Invited himself to dinner"
"Then, when he was leaving, bent over and kissed me "
"better to be here - it limits his contact with me"
You are not powerless. Seriously, it is time to take responsibility for what happens to you and what you allow in your life. Control your own life and what happens in it, rather than passively letting him to whatever he wants with it.
Good luck in court. Any chance of support being increased?
OT - I'm not sure I'd call Nm passive. She's been dealing with a seriously confusing/confused guy who's either drug-addicted or mentally ill or both. By moving out she is taking control of her life.
NM - so, if the child support will cover rent and childcare (you must live in a rEALLY cheap area!) does that mean you can get a job and pay for the rest? Do you have a line on any jobs? What did you do before?
I know this all feels overwhelming, but you can do it - and won't you feel SO MUCH BETTER once you are standing on your own two feet and not dependent on this unstable man???
Sure, he misses you and regrets you leaving - again. This time you need to stick to your guns. What EXACTLY would he need to do for you to EVER consider living with him again? Figure that out and you won't be in danger of falling for his old tricks.
I figure he'd need to: - cut all contacts with oW, including publicly telling her it's over in your presence. - go to IC and drug rehab AND a psychiatrist - court you with regular dates and completely transparent behavior re: phones, computer etc. for at least a YEAR before you would even consider moving back.
etc. etc. Not impossible but pretty unlikely given his past behaviors. Drug rehab and psychiatrist would be the key, I think.
Yes, absolutely, moving out is a very empowering step. Bigger action than any of the passive stuff I mentioned. My bad. Truly, shame on me for not being more positive there. A well-deserved smack!
The passive stuff is worth mentioning, though. It has been NMs pattern throughout this, even before SO went so whack, to have things "happen" to her as though she has no control over how SO affects her life. He has been coming and going from her house, her bed, her personal space, her time, her lips, her embrace, her dinner table, her couch, her (old) new apartment, her phone line, her closets, and so on, without NM ever really putting any boundaries in place. I see the same pattern occuring now that she is OUT of the house, and it is troubling.
NM -- Ellie has suggested some GREAT boundaries for you. May I add that you consider those prerequisites to him kissing you, sleeping under the same roof as you, hanging out with you, or dining with you as well.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, I've been here for 19 days and it feels like 19 months. It's getting difficult. We literally only have some clothes with us; MIL's house isn't the largest; and she's got her way of doing things. I feel bad for the kids. I'm having real difficulties finding a place to live. It's so rural around here, it dawned on me that everyone here - lives here, know what I mean? The rental market is virtually non-existent. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been going downhill emotionally, getting very depressed.
SO finally went for a colonoscopy yesterday. According to him, they found lots of perforations on his large intestine and he needs surgery ASAP. But, this all 2nd hand info from a known misrepresenter of the truth, lol, so who knows.
Today, he's insisting that he take the kids Saturday night until Sunday. Even though he's got to work Saturday night until 1 AM and they'll be with a "sitter" from 4 PM. I told him I'd get back to him. We have court Monday regarding custody issues. I don't trust him. I KNOW - OT, before you even say it. I have no control over some things he does with the kids. However, he has proven quite untrustworthy when it comes to them and I'm very inclined to say no until we see what happens at court.
I don't know what to do and I hate that he's trying to pressure me into acquiescing. I've repeatedly asked him for a schedule and all he answers with is when he has to work. NOT with when he wants to see (or have) the kids. As a matter of fact, he's only seen them twice since we've been here. Easter, when he told 3 different stories on what time he'd be here (eventually showing up at noon and leaving at 2:30, taking D8 with him) and then the next day when he brought D8 back and fell asleep on the couch. A couple of times, he's told D8 he would come over, but then changed his mind. That's wrong. I hate when he does that to her. I'm really not trying to be a controlling b!tch about this, but I'm not comfortable with his "pick & choose" attitude and then spring it on me the day before, expecting me to instantly agree with him. And when I don't give him the answer he wants to hear, he accuses me of being "difficult" and trying to keep the kids from him. The old no-win situation.
As for him, he still calls/emails me many times per day. No, I don't always answer or respond. Got the old "I miss you & the kids" the other day. Whatever the hell that means. He "says" things; misses me, leaves messages on my cell in the middle of the night; hints, flirts around things - but there's no substance, if you know what I mean. So, whatever.
Mine & the kids stuff is all still at his house. I need to get it out. I'm not comfortable with whomever he's got in the house being able to pick through my stuff. He swears no one's been there, but, as I know, most everything he says is not really the truth. I just don't want to have to move everything twice, that's why I've been delaying getting the stuff out. It's not like I'd be bringing it here; it all has to go into storage (even though for free, but at his brothers house). So, ??, what to do.
D8 is enrolled in her new school. That tore me up. I actually cried when I left her there. It sickens me that this has happened. All in all, she seems to be adjusting to it OK. The work is on par with what she had in her old school; actually a little behind it seems. D4 is doing the worst. Always asking about Daddy. Behavior difficulties. She misses school. She's bored here all day. D2 also constantly asks & cries about Daddy. I get so mad about it sometimes. Then, it makes me sad & I cry. One extreme to the other.
It feels like everything is on hold in my life until I find a place to live. It's so rural here, something could come up clear across the county, and that will determine where I work and where I put the two little one's in daycare. I know, better days are coming, but it certainly doesn't feel like it right now.
Can you take the kids away for the weekend and come back just in time for the custody hearing? I certainly understand your reluctance regarding the overnight visit. I wouldn't want to entrust my kids with a guy who is so unstable....
With respect to housing, where do you want to live? Is it time to consider other locations that will work better for you? You'll need to be able to have a range of reasonable work options in your new life, maybe you are too much in the sticks???
About your stuff... Is it at all possible to get your stuff out of the house and into storage with a neutral party? It may be better to avoid the additional layers of entanglement with his brother, etc...
Good luck with the custody hearing. We're all rooting for you.
OT, I'm about as "away for the weekend" as I can be, lmao. I pretty much flat out told him NO to Saturday. That I was not comfortable with the kids being with a sitter. I offered them to him all day Sunday, even though it's his sisters daughters 1st birthday party. I suggested a few other options as well. All he did was rant & rave at me. I stuck to my guns. Today, he emails me like nothing happened yesterday; with absolutely NO MENTION of the kids or if he's going to take them Sunday. He's such a pain in the arsss.
Where do I want to live, OT?? FLORIDA!! Loved it when I lived there. The thoughts that I had in the back of my mind where that I would come back here ("home") for a few years....lick my wounds; locate all the pieces of my shattered heart, start gluing them back together; get grounded; basically get my crap together....then, once I'm "ready", take it from there - wherever that may be. I also have a cousin on the coast of the North/South Carolina border, so I've thought about checking out that area as well.
I know that I'm not going to be happy living in this area - I never was growing up. That's why I got out of here in the first place. And also why I never minded moving around so much with SO and his job. But, one step at a time. I really feel that I just need to get myself together before I compulsively get in my beach chair at the tiki hut and set sail for Margaritaville!!
As for storing my things - well, no neutral parties have anywhere big enough to store the contents of a 3 bedroom+ house. I mean, it's everything, ya know? Beds; dressers; couches; desks; the complete Toys R Us inventory, lmao; plus the boxes. It's a LOT of stuff. And I have already gotten rid of everything I could in the last move!! I've downsized as much as I can. You only have one child - look at all the things that go with kids. And I have 3! I mean, their stuff alone is enough to fill a warehouse. LOL
On top of that, is the money issue. I only have the $4000 he gave me to get started. He's still only putting $600/month in my account; I haven't pressed for the $1200 yet because my things are still at his house....plus it's only been 2 weeks (even though it feels much, much longer than that!). I also did not want to ruffle feathers before the custody hearing. I'm scared to death - he's going to go ballistic when the kids' Law Guardian recommends supervised visitation. I am really just trying to keep a low profile about EVERYTHING until I see what shakes down Monday afternoon. I'm not worried about the support - it's been ordered by the judge, so he can't get out of it now. The judge left it up to us to decide when to start it, so.....I was planning on enforcing it once I got my things out.
So, back to the $$....I'm being extremely frugal about spending right now. I have to pay for the wedding I'm in next month (dress, shoes, hotel room 2 nights, gift, etc.). I'm almost sorry that I'm in it because it's costing so much. But, back when I said yes, I didn't foresee all this and it's too late to back out now.
One possible light....MIL mentioned that her brother was looking at an investment property....and that HE told her (meaning he came to her on his own, she never mentioned anything him) that if I was interested, he'd rent it to me, if the deal goes through. It's excited me, yet I know nothing's set yet....I don't even know where the house is or anything about it, so I'm trying not to get too "up" over it...and I'm still constantly scouring the papers for rentals, as well as asking around with local people. And, even if that does work out, it still means being here for 2-3 months until the closing. Argh. LOL We'll see what happens, I guess.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
