GEL, We had gone to a "Christian" councilor way back when and that was a negitive experience for both of us. Long story there. I , lster on, sought a councilor, female, to go to for the both of us, but she was adament about not going. I was/am the one with the problem, not her. Now when the subject is brough up it is more along the lines of how much trouble it is to find a mutually acceptable councilor, or the expense, or whatever.
I do value myself very much. No I do not find the question harsh. I feel like I have made a commitment to my wile lo these many years ago and am wanting to stick to it. I also had a chat with my youngest. He is deathly afraid of divorce and is emotionaly not prepared for this to happen. He asked me to promise not to divorce. I said that I cant promise that but that I would not be the one who actualy went ahead and did it. Honestly, Divorce is growing more and more likely as the years roll on. I would not fight her for any of the assets, just a fair shake. (joint cust, child support, no maintanance, leave my retirement alone, I will leave yours alone, I would be willing to assume all debt except for the mortage etc.) I just cant bring myself to that point as I don't see that we have really exhausted all options. I still am unwilling to go this route due to having given my word that this will not come from me. Let's face it, My needs have never , really been a priority inthis marriage. Might sound like whining, but it is true. The kids have always come before all with her. In that vein, I feel like asking her how living in a broken marriage is , in any way, benefiting the kids. What are we teaching them by insisting on makeing them a priority above our marriage, our relationship? I have always felt the marriage comes first. Not to the expense of the children, but in an effort to lay a foundation. Right now, and always, the priorities have always been backwards. I am relitivly sure that the only reason that she does not go ahead and file is because of the kids and the financial aspects of a divorce. Really does not have anything to do with wanting to be with me or whatever. Drawing lines in the sand with her is pointless. The reaction is varied between ambivolance, and placating behaviour for a brief time followed by the return of general dissatisfacion, annoyance,dislike for me. It really may end up comming to the point that I can see no other choice but to seek out a mediator rather than a lawyer. Or a lawyer if need be, and draft a divorce agreement to present to her should the need arise. I have no idea if this is feasible, but worth looking into I guess. Sad part is, She could have whatever she wanted out of this marriage if I just felt like I was wanted. If I was made to feel like I was desireable,sexy, strong. Rather than unwanted, impotant, and unworthy. In my mind I know these are not true of me, but in my heart, I have no confidence or trust(emotionally) of her. Very painful. Look, thaks for the resposes. It helps to bounce this off of someone else. I really have no where else to turn it seems. I truly do not want to dump on family or friends and this is a safe place to unload. Counciling , solo, just does not really seem to make any lasting impression on me. I am very intune with what is going on with me. That said, I do have a close friend who is a Psychologist and I do turn to him from time to time for tune ups. Very wise guy. I have had many chats with him lately and will continue to do so just to keep my own self awareness in place. Easy to loose your self at times like these. Feel free to pick my brain more if you are of a mind to.
