Crazy Eddie said: Now I've got another reason not to cheat... I can't stand for people to dig through my things!
Maybe that should be part of the pre-marriage counseling... what your spouse will do if he/she doesn't throw your a$$ out for cheating, that might make you wish they'd just dumped you and gotten it over with.
Heywyre, Before your thread locks up I wanted to address Eddie's comment because your H might see it in a similar way. While I COMPLETELY agree with the idea of having things open in a marriage, the FACT is that you and your H never had that openness of records. SO it is important for you to explain to him WHY you need that openness, at least for awhile. While it is painfully obvious to US that you (and anyone in your circumstances) would need that transparency to help HEAL that wound of betrayal, your H may not quite GET IT. he may actually feel this as a punitive punishment for past transgressions and think that it is all about you controlling him. Please take the time to make it clear to him that you WISH you did not feel a need to know these things. That you WISH you could just go back to the old ways of not knowing and feeling comfortable in your trust. For now the only way for you to relax and trust is to have that transparency.
Try to understand that as obvious as it is to us, he, Crazy Eddie, and others who are very private people, may actually just feel violated by having people even a spouse look through their things. This in NO WAY means you should back down. I just mean that what seems obvious to us may not seem as obvious to your H.
Good Luck.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I totally agree - it is the way he has been since day one and I can't say I disagree with him. He is WAY more private a person that I am and I know, for the most part, he has been open with me that pretty much any other person he has ever been with but that doesn't mean we have an honest relationship either.
I don't intend to back down. This is something that has been brewing for a long time, it is my line in the sand and I won't compromise. I told him last night that I would hope to eventually go back to the way it was and trust everything was fine but if we leave things the way they are now, it will just fester and happen all over again, which will destroy things forever. He tells me what a good person I am and "if we weren't together I would tell people that, I've never said you were anything but a good person" - well, if I am such a "good person" why does he distrust me. He talks about me not trusting him - well I have a bloody good reason not to. But I have never, ever given him any reason to distrust me, but I am being treated like a second class citizen in my own home.
I know he is feeling vulnerable right now, but so am I. It is very hard to work through this not knowing what is on the other side. Up until last night I thought we were doing well, working on things together. He told the C he felt good about this R and that he felt it would be better than before and now this?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hey lady...try resending me that e-mail please. I saw one from you in the firewall...I approved it, but for some reason it's never made it through to me.
I don't know the details, so I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on or not...so for the purposes of this response I'm going to ask you this. If you HAD/HAVE been cheated on...do you think you could just let it go if you felt your spouse was hiding something from you?
Speaking from my own experience, I couldn't. I know some people can, but IMPO...that is avoidance. Some people live in the world of avoidance though, I realize that.
No, to the best of my knowledge, I've never been cheated on, Greeneyedlass. Family members, like my aunt have, though. My aunt chose to let it go, but still had her heart smashed over and over again when something new surfaced, and it always did. Still, she made the choice to stay, even though money wasn't an issue. I don't think I could have done that, myself. So I, personally, agree with both yourself and Heywyre that it's not an option for me.
gave me a big hug and a kiss, and asked what time I wanted him to call me in the morning (he usually wakes me up with a phone call). SNIP What the friggin hell was all that about? He acted almost like nothing had happened a couple of hours previous.
I've seen this behaviour from my H, more than I've had hot dinners. It is sweeping the issue under the rug and moving on. My H would hope that if he was pleasant I would rather let it go than kick up a stink. I let it go way to often....
That's exactly my point to Heywyre too. He threw his little temper tantrum about her request last night that was completely disproportionate to what she asked of him....and now he's pretending everything is hunky dory....assuming that she will placate like she has before.
NOW, to get him to really take her seriously she needs to not drop this, but address is calmly and not take his bait when he throws another temper tantrum about it. Now that she's already broached this topic with him, this will be a great thing to bring up in the next MC session as well.
And I have to admit I have done that way too many times in the past but its not happening anymore. I want a R that is honest - that's all I am asking for and I don't think that is unreasonable
I have already given the C a heads-up as to what happened yesterday and even if my H doesn't go on Friday, I will be there because I need to deal with this for ME
He can try and deflect as much as he wants. He can be as sweet as pie, it isn't going to change my point of view. I need to have trust in a R and to get there I need the honesty, there is no other path
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I told him what happened last night and he just thanked me and said regardless of whether H comes to the appointment on Friday he still wants to see me. I am sure he will address it because I will be if he doesn't. I thought perhaps H would avoid going but he reminded me today about the appointment on Friday.
He's acting like nothing is wrong at all - like he never happened, other than a little tension in the air. Just went to bed, thanked me for the "lovely supper", which he pretty much always does, gave me a kiss goodnight, asked me if I wanted a call in the morning and off to bed he went. It's kinda bizzare
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Good, it's going to be addressed then at your next session...and it looks like your H will be going. Very good. All of this stuff that has happened this week goes to back up the need for complete transparency in your marriage in order for him to mend the damage he caused to your marriage. I have no doubt your C will reinforce that to him.
It's time for some radical honesty in your marriage. It's hard to do sometimes, but once you get the ball rolling and you both become accustomed to it...it makes your marriage feel like a much safer place to be. It becomes a much safer place for both of you...and as a result the communication/intimacy in general between the two of you will improve. It won't be easy though, but it's a good thing in the long-run.
You never know...by the time the session rolls around, your H MIGHT have come around on providing you with what you need. He might not have, but there is that possibility. He also may respect an "authority figure's" recommendation for complete transparency and his reasoning for it....before he will accept it from you (my H was this way at first). That's not an insult to you either, it's just that well...we wives are often perceived as "nagging", the therapist is a "professional" KWIM?
