Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[fearless]

Cobra, I was waiting to see if Heather would respond to either of our comments. I am not sure how accurate I am in my view of Heather's struggle, her objective and her H's issues but I will at least try to explain to you what I see as the issues and the steps toward the solution.

IMO, Heather should not admit to a problem (her family, etc.) if she truly feels like the problem does not exist other than in her H's head. However she should still accept her H's feelings as true feelings and listen to him. Heather seems to jump back and forth between placating and appeasing her H and being defiant and (almost) inconsiderate of his feelings. Getting to the point of making it clear that she hears and respects his feelings without giving in to him is the goal as I see it.

I have no idea why Heather's H seems to have a need to be so dominating over Heather and it is troubling for him. This issue definitely should be addressed by him. Whether Heather can get him to see the issue is the question mark. It is similar to many of the other posters here - how do you get them to see their problem and work on it? Heather's H has clear domination in their marriage and family yet he makes comments that sound like he sees himself as the victim in the marriage. From the outside this appears to be someone who does not feel in control of his life so he dominates his own little world. I do not think she can solve the issues with her marriage by continuing to give in to him. It has not worked in the past so I am not sure how it will work in the future. She needs to gather enough strength to convince him to attend marriage counseling with her.

On that basis, there are no "sides."

I am not sure why you wrote that. I was not talking about "sides." I was talking about recognizing her consistent problems with her marriage - that her H does not recognize her needs and does not put her first as far as Heather can tell. Your posts seem to focus more on making sure that his perceptions are treated as facts. For example telling her:

Even if he is 100% guilty of instigating the whole thing, you are still going to have to decide whose side you are on.

What exactly does this mean to you? Does this mean caving on sleeping on the couch, not asking for a kiss, changing the porcelain handles to chrome, letting him put their son to bed at whatever time H decides, not wanting to be around her family because HE is uncomfortable, etc.? She has done many of these things so far and it does not seem to have changed their dynamic. In fact the only time I remember her seeing a glimmer of hope was when she STOOD her ground. So the key SEEMS to be that by Heather standing her ground she has a better chance to have a positive impact than cowing to his demands. That is why I am adamant in Heather (and anyone else's sitch) that listening and hearing her spouse's concerns is important but treating their concerns as fact (if you do not see the concerns as a fact) is not a solution to the problem. The key is to open up communication and see if there is a resolution for both people.

A balanced M is also where I would like to see them get to. I am in complete agreement with the objective. Now, how are they to get there?

My approach would be that Heather MUST listen to her H and make sure she lets him know she hears and respects him WHILE still doing what she needs to do for herself and the marriage she wants. She also needs to stay consistent and strong. Her responsibility is to make it CLEAR to him that everything she is doing is for the sake of their marriage and family. Since she is committed to working on the marriage she needs to make sure that he understands that she wants to know that he is committed also. I am not sure that he understands yet that she does not feel a commitment from him either. (Yes she knows he is committed to the kids and family but that is NOT the same as feeling a commitment to HER)

I may be off-base and I definitely have not written a comprehensive plan for Heather but this is how I see the issues.

I hope she does make one final offer to him to go to LV. However if he insists on being at home with the kids, that is a normal reaction to traveling all the time and she should let him know that she understands.