GEL, Thanks for the reply. I am thinking that my reply will be equaly as disjointed. In the begining and middle of our marriage, I have been as CALMLY, and non threatening, non judgemental in my communication with her as I felt able. I have good communication skills interpersonally. These "discussions of feelings" always disintergrated into major blow outs, and threats of divorce. So yes I have tried to communicate. Just given up now. She comes from a family where tough issues are more or less ignored. Head in the sand, avoid until critical type of behaviour. Earlier in our marriage I am sure I was viewed as needy. Within the last three years, I have more or less decided that I was just not going to depend on her anymore. It had become obvious that I would get no emotional support from her early on in the relationship. Previous to three years ago, I would try to get her to be more supportive (needy). Three years ago to present I just "suck it up" and deal on my own terms without her. Survival mode. I do engage the kids and persue my own interests. However, this just gets viewed as being selfish and self-centered. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. Sex has pretty much always been about her. Her wants , her needs, her schedule. Early on I was the one to initiate but would always, and I do mean always, either get "compliance" but obvious disinterest in joining me in sex, or just out right rejection. Somewhere around the third year of marriage, I just stopped asking. So in that light, I suppose I got what I deserved as I stopped asking and just gave her control of that aspect of our marriage. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
I have been to counciling by myself and feel I have some of the tools I need to live in a "dead marriage" I remained in the marriage with her all these years because I truly love her.(Not due to any co-dependace issues I assure you). But as the years go on, I find the continued rejection of me as a person, a man, a partner, to be harder and harder to tolerate.It has taken its toll on me physiologicly as I am unable to perform without chemical enhancement. I.E. little blue pill. She does not know any of this except that I was struggling and now have recovered. She has no clue how her actions impact me, my confidence,my self worth.
I don't want to make her out as a shrew. She is a wonderful woman.......Loving, caring, supportive, sexy......to everyone but me however.
I have serious issues with lonelyness. It is supremely painful to me. All that said, I do appreciate your response and look forward to more insight.
