Hi Lisa, I know you are having a hard time and all being pregnant and I do not want to spoil the nice name talk which has been going on for now but I feel you will be making a big mistake.
I wrote you an email and time and again I see people giving you REALLY good advice. I know this is your second time around and you said you really needed to learn. Now I'm going to be really tough on you because I can feel and read that in your heart you want your H back. Don't you?
Stop fooling around and start listening to the people who give you good advice like KML. Stop your pity party about him leaving you twice. Changing a name you both decided on when things were good is going to drive you further apart. Is this your goal? Is this what you want? If so, just let me know because I have some pretty good girls name to help you with aswell. If not, start playing the DB strategies and work on YOU!!! Instead of stabbing him for reactions which will definately drive you apart.
I know a little bit about your sitch and I am going to do something to hopefully open YOUR eyes. The guy told you he still has feelings of love for you several days ago so here is your very FIRST BABYSTEP. HOOOOORRRAAY!! He still has feelings of love for YOU. Okay next step....
To open your eyes this is something I learned from a poster called slowly.
Hi, My name is Brian and I am married and father of four boys. Any day now my babygirl will be born.I am really excited about that.
My mother abandoned me. As a result I don't trust women. I was taught by my mother because I could not trust her. If you can't trust your own mom who can you trust, right? My mom never noticed let alone complimented me because she was so busy being angry at me all the time. She did not care about me I'm not sure if anyone really cares at the moment.
I am really angry at my wife. She is playing games with me and I feel she does not really love me because of this. She is so egocentric, playing games at a time I am going through so much. We had marital problems and I saw changes in her but when I returned nothing really had changed. Even then when I opened up to her she really hurt me. So I know I can not trust her.
My wife also nags. She tells me I need to do stuff around the house with the boys etc. and is very controlling all the time, she decides everything and bosses me around. This makes me feel like I was a kid again, not being in control of the situation. I hate the feeling of not being in control it makes me feel small and incapable again. I feel like I am merely the provider in her life and have to do everything she needs and wants, I am tired of this. I really do love her but I can not destroy myself in the process.
When she nags I feel like I am a failure. Like I can not do anything right. She does not see the things I do for her. She does not admire me for the man I still am. She chooses to only see the bad stuff. When she nags I feel like she does not accept me for who I really am. I feel like I have to change for her. But you know what? I am worth it. I have a really good job and look at my past!! Yes, I achieved all that and provided for my family, something I never had myself. I need to feel number one.
I still love her but I find it tough to admit it. I am scared too. I really wish we could talk more and connect like we did in the beginning but I cannot take the fingerpointing, tantrums and drama parties anymore.
It's all from H pov. You said you want to reach out to him but before you can really reach him you need to know what he's going through and what your part in the whole saga is. So you can change YOUR behaviour. This is the first DB principle. You make the changes first and then S follows. You're not done yet. I hope you can see this. But there is still a lot of work you need to do to get to the turning point again.
work on trust- work on control issues- make him feel accepted make him feel admired make him feel like he is your number one
What happens if you change the baby's name without telling him? The trust issue is back up immensely. I even think he might never forgive you. His pride would be wounded BIG time. I know how you would LOVE to hurt him for what he is doing to you but it will get you further from your goal. And you would show him what he thinks about you all the time which is: you are controlling and you are the one who decides. When you change the name it is his ultimate proof and he CAN and WILL throw this in your face whenever he wants.
When you do change baby's name and all this backfiring happens would you feel happy using the name in the future knowing it destroyed so much? What would your DD think about it when she is old enough to hear the story? (because trust me it will be quite a story and your H will make sure she hears about it)
Same goes for the birth. I feel he might want to be there but he is scared of you. Please try to make him feel welcome at the birth. This might work as a huge advantage for you. PLease use it!! Make the situation you're in work for you instead of against you. Don't dramatise anything. He needs to trust you again. Make a call to him and tell him what's been going on without the blamegame. Just say 'Hi, there are some things going on which I feel you need to know'. And tell him point blank about the iron thing. Don't say I need you to be there. Just ask do you want to be at the birth? It's a straightforward question. Don't go into stuff like it's a special time etc. You know the drill put it to use. Write me if you want.
Sorry for being so hard on you but I gathered there are enough people here to hold your hand.
