Hey there Fizzle - Glad you are OK. Stressed, but otherwise OK
Originally Posted By: fizzle
work is wild, I am stressed out and slow...budget cuts expected 7/1, hope I dont' join the ranks of the unemployed.
I hope so too! It is entirely understandable that you are feeling anxious, with this sort of possibility looming. I remember early in my working life, a similar situation, with rumours that the European HQ that I was part of, was to be axed. It was frankly paralysing. Nothing seemed worth doing as it may all be junked. Fortunately I had a great boss who wisely suggested keeping our heads low, getting on with the job and making the quality of work our testimony. And it proved absolutely the right thing to do, there were cutbacks, but they were mostly folks who could not show productive hours. I guess it is a bit like dbing, in that the important element here is to understand what you can actually control. Oh, and always have an up to date resume.
Originally Posted By: fizzle
A time or two I have mentioned my anxieties, and H has gotten irritated that he just wants to forget (???) and that he can't if/when I keep bringing it back up.
I hear ya! Why oh why can they not understand that we need to be reassured that nothing is going on, nothing will ever go on again, and that they are so, so, so sorry they put us through hell Reality check - neither NG, nor your H, nor any of the other WAHs are likely to do this. So, recalling the notion of cheeseless tunnels, I guess the best option is to move on. Yes, highly unsatisfying. But it does get easier with time. 18 months ago I was constantly waiting for the other show to drop - if he is not telling me all's OK, that he is sorry, then all must be not OK. Frankly I tortured myself needlessly. And yes, he said pretty much the same thing, how can I forget if you keep reminding me
Originally Posted By: fizzle
I need a vacation.... and I need to balance the check book, pay bills, clean house, fix supper......no wonder I feel tired.
so, all in all, I'm not too sure how I'm doing!
Yes, it is no wonder at all that you feel tired. Honey, you need to prioritize, and start with item number 1 - be kind to fizzle. Some of the stress and anxiety is more than likely a direct consequence of not being able to enjoy the moment. Life is now - make the most of it! Decide that you are doing well, regardless of the situation.
hi slowly, so good to hear from you...you're always such an inspiration to me. I do lurk on your thread from time to time, and you always are so calm and focused. thanks for checking on me!
Today has turned out already to be a bit of a challenge. Incredibly, I think monster is doing "whacko" stuff to irritate me. of course, it works. We have the annual meeting tonight, all 3 of us are signed up to attend. I am always stressed when I have to be at meetings where she is...she just makes this point of always being in the line of sight, it's like she has to make sure that she is always in your mind (well, mine and h's anyway). Last 2 staff meetings have been no exceptions. she circled the table I was at 4 (yes, I counted, 4) times at the one before last; last week, she walked across the front of the room 3X. it wouldnt appear to be unusual, except that it was completly out of her way from where she was seated. Even H noticed it and commented on it.
So, this morning, I find in my mailbox here at the office, a drug company pen with a piece of paper with initials taped to it (people sometimes mark them that way) the initials were hers, with "our" last name initial added to it. it's her writing. hacked me off beyond belief. my first instinct was to attach a note to it saying she'd obviously lost something in addition to her christmas pictures, but then I just kept it. I did however double check the staff roster, and that has to be the significance of the initials, there isn't anyone else with anything close.
Even after all this time, I did go against what I know about Db'ing, and share it with H. he didnt respond real warmly.... first got this reply: Geez; I have no idea why she might be tormenting you, except that the two of you have made it personal in past months so I imagine she thinks she's really showing you or something. Cross the K out and keep the pen!! I haven't seen or heard much from her and what I have gotten has been snippy and snotty. I avoid and ignore her. Would you rather I just didn't go to the thing tonight so the two of you can fu-king stare each other down? I'm so sick of this God damn sh-t, it will never stop, her and her sh-t and you jumping on me! I imagine her game is to get us fighting and to divorce so what do you say we don't? I'm sorry, just tired and grumpy and not wanting any M sh-t today!!
instead of just ignoring, I emailed back... "I didnt intend to jump on you; usually I can keep a damper on my need for reassurance but some times it gets the best of me. I will say that I am way past fed up with her crap, and from my point of view, I seldom do anything but hang my head and take what the hell ever the whore dishes out like a whimp. I have no clue what have I ever done to torment her, other than not turn and run? my first instinct was to attach a note to the pen that it looked like she'd lost more than her pictures and give it back, but it's more useful to me if I keep it. I'd rather you went to the "thing" tonight, but its your choice, like the rest of it. I dont want to fight, I dont want to divorce, I dont want her in our life." .
and then got this in reply: "Sorry, I told you that she has told me she is "very jealous" of you. It just seems like a fatal attraction thing. I think you are handling it well. I suspect that since we threw her off at church and I have not reacted or responded to her attempts to fight she is working this angle, that way she just keeps herself in there. I think you should just keep the pen and ignore, it appears to me the thing that gets her the worse is to be ignored. It seems she pulls her little stunts when a person is tired and has little coping left. Deb, I will be honored to go to the dinner with you. I just want a stress free night and that is about impossible if you're going to any place where the M is! I love you, this will pass. Your D "
So anyway, I guess the point of my rambling here is that I am amazed at her subconcious ability to pick up on when people are most frazzled and vulnerable and hone in. and I can't help but wonder if she will ever, ever, ever go away. Makes Fatal Attraction seem to damned real. and the initials. it is so jr high. I mean, that is what girls in jr hi with crushes used to do in my day....scribble intials of combos of theirs and the guys. Of course H told me she had that in wooden letters on her living room wall, too.
I still wonder about H emailing me the pic though, too. He actually apologized, said he hoped it didnt upset me too much. and said that he had done it so I would know it was truly over. I honestly can think of no other motivation to do it. It certainly does give me ammo. and even in a weird way an ego boost.
How could you 180 this woman? Maybe when she's in the line of sight, wave to her with a big smile. Wink at her knowingly. Turn the tables--freak her out instead.
Things are tough right now...my gorgeous (I'm serious, he looked like a young, blond, Tom Selleck) 45 year old baby brother died Tuesday the 15th. My sister and I were with him. I've been at my parents since Sunday the 13th, last time he was concious enough to make eye contact. It is so hard for everyone. He wasnt just a brother, he was a great friend and uncle, and someone everyone always counted on. My parents are having such a hard time, as are all the nieces and nephews and everyone else. I'm still in shock, and sick to my stomach. We put his picture from this past christmas on the memorial booklet, he looks so healthy still, it's impossible to believe he is gone, and looked like an old man from Auschswitz when he died.
Today is also monsters birthday. urp again.
5/5 was our 28th wedding anniversary, we actually went out of town overnight (alone) to celebrate. That is the 1st time in many many years. I remember last year h refused to even go out to eat, I couldnt understand why, then found out he was back with monster.
While we were gone, a huge rainstorm hit, about 10 inches in 8 hours or so...so of course there was a great deal of flooding, water came within 5 feet of our house, but didnt get in. I'm still glad we went....
Still waiting arrival of grandbaby, due 6/8, but seems to be anxious to get here....
I am so stressed, never sure when the tears will hit....H is broken hearted too, my brother was a good good friend of his....one of the things he said he would miss if we split up.
Fizz - So very sorry about your brother. If you get a chance, look for a book called Closer to the Light by a doctor named Melvin Morse. It's about a scientific study of near-death experiences in children, and I found it very moving and reassuring.
Also - please, honey, do this for me: please get checked for celiac disease. Runs in families, connected to other autoimmune disorders, increases your risk of lymphoma if undiagnosed and untreated. You and your son both should be tested, it's a simple blood panel.
Take a little time for yourself, the stressors are piling up here. Even good stressors like a new grandbaby are still stressors.
Reality check - neither NG, nor your H, nor any of the other WAHs are likely to do this. So, recalling the notion of cheeseless tunnels, I guess the best option is to move on. Yes, highly unsatisfying. But it does get easier with time. 18 months ago I was constantly waiting for the other show to drop - if he is not telling me all's OK, that he is sorry, then all must be not OK. Frankly I tortured myself needlessly. And yes, he said pretty much the same thing, how can I forget if you keep reminding me 
