I agree with what you are both saying. I know that I have to be firm and only take him back under the conditions that you mentioned but I guess where I am troubled is that I can't even get him on board with the M right now let alone any treatment. I am trying very hard to pull back from him, get my own life, become more involved with friends. I am just so lonely. I teach kickboxing classes a few nights a week and I have just started attending church every Sunday with some friends of mine. I take the kids and they love it. So I am working on some positives for me, but with every two steps forward it seems I take one back. I just miss him. He was such a HUGE part of my life. I am not used to doing things without him. It is like this huge vacant spot in my life right now.
As far as the drugs issue goes, I asked right away. He said no and I really don't think so. He has never really done drugs except a little marijuana once or twice in college and he never really even liked it. Who knows though, since this whole separation he has been spending more time on the weekends with some of his younger, single friends that he works with and they do a couple of recreational drugs. He doesn't appear to be on them. But these days, I am just not so sure of things involving him. 2 months ago, when a friend asked me if I thought his behavior could be because he might be having an affair I swore up and down that there was no way and that it was just stress from work. I was wrong there so I may be wrong in regard to the drugs.
I guess for now, I just protect myself and the kids from any further damage he can do. We protected the house (too long to go into detail over) so there is no equity left for him to get once the house is sold. As far as that goes, he already took out a ton of equity to open his business. So if there were any left it goes to the me and the kids.
This is way out of character for him. He was always an honest, sincere, trustworthy guy. He never was the real flirty guy at parties, no previous affairs (that I know of) nothing of the sort to ever make me think anything like this would ever happen. He has always been a loner of sorts. He is very uncommunicative. He has trouble communicating his feelings and does not like confrontation. If there was ever a problem, it was easier for him to just leave for an hour or two and hope that it was over or if it was late, he would just go to sleep and act like nothing happened in the morning. As a result we never seemed to settle any disagreements. His dad died when he was about 13 and getting ready to go into high school. His mom never put him into any counseling, instead she sent him to go live with his uncle across the country while she and his sister packed the house. They were planning on moving to the same state in 6 months. he never had the chance to grieve. So at 12 he learned to shove his emotions down to the deepest darkest corners and not deal with them. He has been doing that ever since. I have said since we got married that he had some unresolved issue there but he refused to go to counseling.
Legal separation is my next step to protect myself and the kids. I have such a hard time even thinking that! It is like a huge frog just crawled in my throat. I keep hoping this is all a bad dream and that I am going to wake up and go back to real life. If only it were that easy!
The strangest thing about this is that I have always said, as I have seen a few of my friends go through affairs, that I would kick his you know what out the door if I ever caught him cheating! And here I am, hoping that he pulls himself together and deals with reality and that we can work this out. I never thought that would be me!
