I know I don't "have" to do anything but I will also not live a lie. If your aunt was okay with living with a man that screwed around on her, fine, that was HER choice. Perhaps she knew about it, they came to an agreement about it, that's great, she is more tolerant than I am for sure.
I can handle the truth, I can handle him coming clean and us dealing with things TOGETHER from this point forward.
What I WON'T deal with is living a lie - either he wants to work on rebuilding this M or not, I am not playing any more games from this point forward. What will I do if he says "yes, its still going on" or "yes, I did see her yesterday" - I don't know. I will cross that bridge when I come to it but all I know right now is that I can't live with lies anymore. Either he is in this all the way or not at all, there's no half way
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Good. *nods approvingly* You've got a lot of spirit under fire, Heywyre. I really admire that.
Tell him to h*ll with his control this, control that. He's either in an open, honest, TRANSPARENT loving relationship, or he can find someone else to play little games with. "Secrets" are for boys. Men do not need secrets.
You might just want to phrase that a little more diplomatically.
SG - I don't know if I want to be quite that bold right now. I think we both might need some time out to cool off (him more than me) but I am through with his games
GEL - here's my email if you want it - heywyre2002@hotmail.com
I sent you one as a test but your filter must have got it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
SG - I don't know if I want to be quite that bold right now. I think we both might need some time out to cool off (him more than me) but I am through with his games
Heck no, I didn't mean right now. Let him sleep, and think. Might do him good.
(((Heywyre))) make sure you take care of yourself, ok?
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I REALLY don't know what to make of that man anymore.
Just after he went to bed, I went in and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "have a good rest" - he faintly said, thank you and that was it. I proceeded to make his lunch and stayed up for a while longer than usual because I had some work to do for class tomorrow. Anyway, I was up when he got up to go to work. He came into the livingroom where I was reading and said "you need to get some sleep" and then proceeded to just go about doing whatever he had to to get ready for work.
Just as he was ready to leave, he took my bag downstairs (like he usually does for me and then came back upstairs, gave me a big hug and a kiss, and asked what time I wanted him to call me in the morning (he usually wakes me up with a phone call). I said it was alright, I would set the alarm. He smiled at me and said, "quarter after 6?", and I said "that would be nice thank you". I went downstairs to let the dogs out before going to bed and he gave me another hug and kiss, told me he loved me and I said I loved him too. I thanked him for taking my bag downstairs, he thanked me for making his lunch. He told me I didn't have to thank him and I said he didn't either. He just smiled and said "ok" and he left for work
What the friggin hell was all that about? He acted almost like nothing had happened a couple of hours previous.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I don't know the details, so I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on or not...so for the purposes of this response I'm going to ask you this. If you HAD/HAVE been cheated on...do you think you could just let it go if you felt your spouse was hiding something from you?
Speaking from my own experience, I couldn't. I know some people can, but IMPO...that is avoidance. Some people live in the world of avoidance though, I realize that.
Heywyre,
There was a time in my marriage when I wasn't sure I had all the info myself, when I kept getting bits and pieces. I also figured, as you do, that he wasn't giving me the whole story because he was afraid I would leave, it's a realistic fear that he had....just as it is for your H if this is his fear. I finally did tell him that he had an opportunity to come clean completely with me, a "Get Out of Jail Free Card"...if-you-will. I told him that he had a certain amount of time (I think I gave him 2-3 days) where he had the opportunity to tell me anything else he was hiding....without me walking out the door, but that during that time I did expect him to pony up and give me ANY details he hadn't already given me. I also explained to him that "if" he was holding anything back that it would be in his/out best interest for him to go ahead and tell me and get that over with....because if it ever came out in the future and I found out it would be like setting us back at ground zero and I didn't think I could recover from that.
Now, with my H...fortunately he really wasn't hiding much more that I didn't already know, but he didn't know I knew it (and I now believe that), BUT he did decide to tell me about stuff he didn't realize I had already discovered....which gave me some security in believing that he was being honest with me.
We already know that there's a good chance Heywyre that your H has whore/madonna like mine. So it was also important for me when I said this to my H to let him know that I was willing to concentrate on his actions from today forward and do my best to put yesterday behind us, but the only way I could really do that was to have some security in knowing I wouldn't be finding out about stuff tomorrow, or the next day, or a year from now.
This is tough I know...like I said, please feel free to e-mail if you need to.
I REALLY don't know what to make of that man anymore....What the friggin hell was all that about? He acted almost like nothing had happened a couple of hours previous.
That was all about he thinks you are going to back down now. He's thinking if he acts sweet to you again that you won't keep pushing this issue. It's not surprising behavior.
Well, he's wrong - I am NOT backing down. This is something I know I need to move forward and if its not forthcoming, I can't live like this
I thought long and hard about it. I think (to some degree) I would be even willing to live in a sexless marriage IF I knew he was telling me the truth and our marriage was open and honest. At least that would be something I could work with.
I sent you an email GEL but I don't think it got through
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
