I think it was this way from the beginning, but I didn't heed what I now see were the warning signs which were that he never pursued me even when he was interested. We were "friends" for 5 years before we married because I didn't know he found me attractive and wanted to date me. He "let" (in my mind) several other guys date me and never said, "hey, I wanna be with you." Long story short, we both ended up in marriages that were disasterous and short lived and when they fell through we got together. Mostly because I always knew he was a great guy (attractive, funny, great career, responsible, a good friend, same interests) and I broke out of the friend mode and initiated the "dating". We ended up married and have been for 10 years this December.
From the beginning I would "chase after him" flirting and grabbing his butt, etc. and he would get embarrassed and slap my hand away. It seemed the only time he could relax and enjoy being with me was when he had a few drinks in him.
We started going to church and became born-again Christians. We gave up drinking and going out to bars together (we used to be in a dart league). That's when things started to go down hill fast. He became unable to enjoy sex or initiate. He seems totally unable to communicate on any deeper issues of imtimacy. I can't remember how frequently we had sex, but after that it went down to 2 -3 times a month if that.
For about 7 years of our marriage we've fought like cats and dogs each month (mostly my fault) because I don't feel we have sex often enough. Lately he has made a conscious effort in increase that to 6 or more times a month, but I am coming to the realization that it's not just the frequency, but the lack of emotion and passion that is killing our marriage.
Sex is rote, no talking, no moaning or groaning or what I would call "letting loose". He knows what to do (in order to make me achieve and orgasm) and he does it. It's the same routine and almost seems like a job to him. He makes me orgasm first because he can't last. He performs oral sex to make me orgasm and then it's about a minute until he climaxes. There's no staying power. However, that's never been a big issue since I'm so sensitive once I climax, but he is sensitive (ashamed maybe) about it. But he always "takes care of me".
One thing I've pinpointed as an concern on my part is he is not a kisser. He doesn't show affection outside the bedroom either. I'm touchy feely and he's not. I think though that if he would work on the french kissing, there would be alot more excitement on my part--and his. It would show he desires me.
Right now I read about your Walk away Wife syndrome and that's me! The only things holding me here right now are a.) I do love him and b.) his sons need him. He is a good Dad.
It's not just the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy and communication which is destroying us. He "assumes" a lot because he is too afraid to ask or doesn't want to talk things through (for various reasons) and doesn't like confrontation of any sort. For example, he says he there are alot of times he won't initiate sex after we've had a busy day because he thinks I'm too tired. But he never asked! He never even shows an interest.
How I've been feeling about all this can be summed up as follows: It's literally DESTOYING ME!
* I am desperately lonely and am starting to suffer from insomnia, when I do sleep I have dreams about being with other men. I read incessantly to escape the pain. I've started drinking again (when the kids go to sleep) to dull the pain. * My self-esteem is in the toilet. I blame myself 100% thinking I'm not good enough, pretty enough, slim enough, sexy enough, not the right one for him. I hate my body and the way it looks because I don't think it is attractive to him (my bulemia is back--I suffered from it as a teenager and overcame it in my early 20's) I keep thinking if I'm attractive enough he'll want me. * I doubt that he loves me anymore and have told him to divorce me and find someone he can love. * Humiliated because I always have to "beg" for sex. It's like asking for someone to send you flowers. If you have to ask all the time it loses it's meaning. If I have to ask all the time it makes me feel like he doesn't desire me enough to seek me out. * I am bitter and angry to the point of being unable to cope with life when he goes to work (i.e. caring for the boys, going out in public, keeping the house as clean as I should) He's a firefighter and away alot. I struggle to keep life afloat on days he's gone--especially if we didn't have sex before he leaves for work (he's gone 24 hours minimum and sometime as much as 72 hrs) * I don't feel like a woman. I feel unattractive and worthless as a woman. Unable to keep his interest. Unable to keep the flame alive. Constantly wondering what's wrong with me that he doesn't want me. * Depressed. At times having suicidal thoughts (but having the boys to take care of slaps me awake. I would never want them to have to deal with their mamma having killed herself). * Reckless. Doing things to see if other guys notice me to prove to myself I still have what is takes to spark a man's interest. * Spending more money than we can afford to look attractive (tanning, make-up, beauty products, exercise things, snug fitting sexy clothes, langerie, jewelry) anything to attract his attention. * Shutting down my emotions so he can't hurt me. It's hell to love him and want him and he give so little back to me emotionally, physically & mentally. I've even asked him for an "emotional divorce" to just be roomates and stay together for the kids' sakes--move his stuff out of our room and take up in the guest room so I don't have to "be married" to him and open myself up to getting hurt again and again. * Spiteful, fighting with him trying to get back at him for hurting me so bad. I get angry instead of crying when I am hurt. I lash out at him viciously. Sometimes if he fails to intitiate sex I give him the cold shoulder and send him to the couch. I tell him if he doesn't want to share my bed in the fullest sense he doesn't deserve to sleep there. * Destructive. I just have so much pain inside and want someone (him) or something to hurt as desperately as I do. * Overwhelming Guilt over everything I'm writing down here. * Forsaken. By my husband. By God sometimes because of everything I'm telling you and because I've prayed for something to change all this and He's not answering my prayers for a "normal" marriage. * Lack of desire to go to or participate in church activities anymore. I feel as though our "marriage" is a sham in the eyes of God and everyone else--if they only knew at the church. * Deeply ashamed, for obvious reasons.
PROBLEMS all this has caused: * Alot of emotional baggage from the fights. Alot of things get said that we really don't mean, but we lash out at each other. * Right after our first son was born 5 years into the mariage)we had a fight about his not "loving me" which turned into an alcohol induced blackout where I threatened his existance and it ended with me being put in some kind of mental facility for 3 days. Scared us both, but not enough for him to heed my begging for marriage couseling. * Scaring the boys. We can't control the fights at times. * Financial strain from spending money to be attractive & shopping for "things" to fill the void. * Distance because of the emotional scars. * Health issues from the depression, eating disorders, insomnia, drinking, stress... * Hopelessness that this will not end in divorce and end up ruining the boys lives and ours. A feeling of hanging on to something that's already dead and can never be brought back.
I have tried to be honest as possible. And just looking at all this brings me the deepest shame. I felt so bad about things before I wrote them down, but now reading over this, I feel so low. Like a wounded animal trying to withdraw from the world and lashing out. The only thing that keeps me hanging in there and sane is the boys. They are so dear to me and I try so hard to hide all this from them and project normalcy (I know it's probably not possible to good a job at it, but I try so hard because I love them). I want so desperately to be a good Mom. But looking at this I wonder if they would be better off if we didn't stay together?
Which is better: The boys growing up with us staying together like this, or having them grow up the product of a divorce? That has been my biggest question the last year or so...
How did it come to this?
Where do I go from here?
How can I stay with and love a man till death do us part who is emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually unavailable to me?
