Light at the End?

[~Sol]

I am struggling big time. It's now sinking in......

Why does this hurt now?

[ford]

it comes in waves, it'll get better

[~Sol]

I see that, and I hate the waves. I can't even look at her straight in the eyes. She knows what she did. How can she hide it and still pretend to have a "happy family"????

I have been thinking about divorce, just thinking, and thought things through. It would hurt both of us financially and it would devastate the kids, just complete chaos at first. It pains me to know that I can't go that route at this time, but that is what I feel, and I know I can't base my actions on feelings alone. So I have to get divorce out of my mind for now. I get lots of teary moments out of the blue.

But I also think about working things through. I would hate for all of this to happen again. I know for myself that I cannot cheat on my partner, I think about the results and consequences of my actions, maybe that's why I am still in one piece and still living at home? Guess I have more common sense than I thought. I know I need to start over. How do I do that with her? I know what she did. And I can't forgive her until we get this issue out in the open. I am waiting for my lab tests for the rest of my results to come back soon. My doctor will call me directly and let me know.

[lovelyolive]

I'm struggling today, too. Sol.. I need to get myself together.. It hurts like hell..

[mcojh]

Sol-

Can you get away for a few days? Maybe you and your D could go on a trip to see family.

[Astimegoeson]

I can't forgive her until we get this issue out in the open.

That's key! This secrecy and your W's indifference is killing you Sol, I can sense it in your post and I'll bet everyone else here can to.

Have you heard the phrase.."the truth will set you free"? The feeling that's sucking the life out of you is from keeping everything inside yourself.

You can forgive her without her asking for it, I've done that with my stbx, but it's difficult moving on until this issue is in the open. There are differences of opinion here regarding exposing the A. but I just can't understand how you can even consider reconciliation without exposing it. It was such a relief to me when I brought it up with my waw. It was like a two ton weight lifted off my shoulder. It really helped me to define the direction I ultimately decided to go in.

[~Sol]

That's the thing, I can't move on without resolving this with her. I know she will deny, but having a PA while still married shows me her lack of integrity towards marriage in general, her partner, herself, her children, and it was such a selfish act.

Now that she is trying to get "close" to me, it hurts even more. It stings. She goes back and forth, admitting it, then denying it when it conveniences her. Does she even have any morals???? Right now I don't even see her as a "girlfriend", much less a "friend" to me, she can't think that she can just hide it and move on, can she?

She's just a babysitter to me. this morning she was nice again, as soon as she entered the house she came all the way to the bathroom this time where I was fixing my daughter's hair (I always fix it for her) and she gave me a kiss. Strange, really strange. Last night when she came out of the shower, she called me, she was naked and hid behind the door, I have seen her naked before so I just let it go and walked away. Then when she came out of the bedroom she gave me a hug. Another strange thing. Just her recent change of behavior at the time I am getting tested for her infection, and STDs on my own accord, and also when OM told me about the PA - she is acting super-nice.

What is going on here?

[*KS*Chick*]

I emailed you but thought I'd post here too:

I'd like to say I understand but I don't. I've never been in your shoes - only your wives shoes. I saw my husband hurt, I wanted to help him, but he had all the emotions you're having now - anger, hurt, disappointment, wondering what the hell........and then you're wondering why she's being nice now.

I really don't know what to say. I don't know if you should confront her or not - DB wise. For me, personally, I think I'd confront her. Tell her you want to be open and honest and give her a chance to admit it. Here's what my H did: For him, I think he knew a lot. I think he and God had a "talk" because some of the stuff he asked me - he either KNEW from God, or was bluffing me - which he DID do a few times.

For me it was hard to be honest with him about it because it hurt him, it's embarrassing, I just want to FORGET it and move forward. That's not fair to him or his grieving process though.

However, one of the things he has said to me is that he wouldn't even be able to talk to me now or even CONSIDER getting back together - if I had not been honest with him. I'll be honest with you too - some of those questions - really almost make me throw up. But I answer them as best as I can.

I don't know if I have helped you - but I am here for you.

~ UA ~

[PArob]

Hi Sol,

Man I'm really, really sorry you're struggling right now. No doubt you are in a tough position and the revelation, although you more than likely suspected it, is nothing compared to actually knowing about it....I can't imagine how much of a kick in the stomach that all was to you.

That being said, let me just offer my quick .02 worth here. I believe that an open conversation with your W is critical here because what I see happening is a major passive-aggressive dance between you and your W. From your perspective, you're holding all of this in and its coming out in other ways, whether you think it is or not. She can sense it, she knows it. At some poing, this bottled up anxiety is going to bubble over and the next thing you know you'll be embroiled in a major argument over who forgot to put the butter away after dinner.

Now notice, the distinction between a conversation and a confrontation. Nothing is going to get resolved by confronting her with all the proof and basically treating her like a hostile witness on cross-examination....the expectation there is that you will prove your moral superiority and she will bend to you will. Not likely to happen.

Instead, report YOUR concerns to her. Let her know that you have found out, that, obviously, you are hurt by it, and further that there is a fear for your health and, as a result, you are now anxious about any STD's you may have contracted. Don't pull the moral superiority out here, just be straight forward.

This is about the best advice I can give you right now. Holding something like this is only going to cause you greater anxiety and create more issues.

In any event, the best of luck to you and I sincerely hope your day gets better.

Rob

[Astimegoeson]

Sol, UA brings up a valid point in regards to "embarrassment". Maybe your W is embarrassed about the affair and can't/won't be able to face it openly with you in an honest manner.

I know my stbx is embarrassed about her affair. She can no longer "hide" her activities from me, but she still keeps him a secret to her friends and family. She cares what others think about her and I don't think she wants that "tramp" or "cheater" title applied by her by her piers. Just my observation from knowing how she thinks, it may be different for you W.

When I first brought the OM up to her and me knowing everything about their affair, she became angry, guarded, and defensive about it. I'm still not sure what to make of that initial reaction, but I know she doesn't like the subject of the OM coming up. I have not had relationship talk with her in months, so OM has not been brought up.

I can tell you my stbx and OM's relationship matters very little to me at this point except for OM's possible influence with my S7. That's a whole other discussion though. I don't think I would have been able to move past the stage your in without bring the OM up to her regardless of her reaction.