I very much apologize for starting such an inflammatory thread. It was not my intention for there to be such hard feelings all around. I also apologize for not responding so much lately.
As it turns out, I have been in the hospital the past 4 days with atrial fibrillation (sp?). Several days of heavy doses of drugs and a couple of electro-shocks and my heart is beating normally again ... for now. Being completely honest with myself, I think one of the major reasons it happened is all the stress I feel over my R. I have been waging an emotional war with myself, and it ramped up considerably after my W's latest comments and the insightful commentary given by you all (note: that is not an attempt to guilt trip, I just want to clarify that some things that were said to resonate with me, and I feel have some truth to them, especially the comments that I am not giving enough comfort to my W to help her heal her pain). I oscillate violently between massive guilt over my two illicit R's (whatever you want to call them) and my irrepresible desire for an M that seems so far out of reach. I try to logic myself out of those damaging feelings, but I have just not been very successful. Clearly though, something is going to have to change or else I will not live long enough to see if my M can be fixed. Unfortunately, I had to cancel my appt with my C b/c of being in the hospital, and he can't get me in for another two weeks. I think I need to work with him to establish a plan to help me relax. But even in the hospital I had to ask my W to be physically affectionate with me, to kiss me. I'm sure I didn't smell great b/c I couldn't shower with all the IV's and stuff. But I even got a mild guilt trip from her when I said I didn't feel like helping with the kids bath tonight. I know these are minor things that I am blowing up too much. That is where I need to learn to relax, or else I will leave my children fatherless.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
