Sorry, guys... Didn't mean to leave you hanging. H was in the other room when I was typing, and I didn't want him to come in and see what I was doing, so I had to quickly post my freak show post!
First off, Virginia, I did read some of Vavavoom's posts. I started reading at the first and then fastforwarded to today. It IS truly amazing the difference in attitudes and approaches. She is obviously a very, very strong woman. I admire her very much. She was able to just take this DBing thing and run with it right away! However, it still looks like it might end in D for her, which made me really sad. I know it might be the best for them, but it still makes me sad.
As for MariS, I fastforwarded to her current situation, and it's like it hasn't changed much at all from where it was at months ago. I guess that goes to show how doing the same thing brings the same results. It really opened my eyes that as hard as it is, I simply have to DB and distance myself and change the dynamics. Although I have made some huge strides forward, I have to keep pushing myself to let him go for now. I think that will make the difference for us. I just have to be strong and look inside myself and my heart for what I TRULY want, which is for our M to work, and recognize that the sooner I get with it and keep working and suffer how hard it is now the sooner we'll hopefully reconcile. I have to go through hell now and push myself in order to be happy later. I have to look inside myself to pull myself up and be happy and not depend on H to do it and let him see that I can and will be happy on my own. That's easier said than done, but it's what I have to do. Even if it's with 2 steps forward and 1 step back, I've got to keep pushing me.
V, I really appreciate your taking the time to show those posts to me. It did really help. I have put them in my favorites and will continue to follow them and learn from them. Thank you, V. Do you know of any other threads of women who have successfully DB'd and gotten their M's back? I would love to read some of those, as it was a bit depressing to see where the two of these situations are at right now...
So I did not contact H at all on Sunday whatsoever. No e-mails, no phone calls, no voicemail messages, no nothing. Yesterday, I forwarded a few FYI e-mails to him and recorded ONE voicemail message that I forwarded to him about a business item. That was it! I know it's only a couple of days, but baby steps for me...
So about last night... Remember the friend of ours I told you about that seems to somehow bring out something in H that makes H feel closer to me for some reason? Well, H apparently went to see this friend yesterday per the friend's request, as the friend was having some struggles at his job site that he wanted to talk with H about.
So, H went over there last night to see him, and then he comes rolling in our driveway at about 12:30 last night! I usually would not be working that late, but I had a lot to get done last night and happened to still be working in the office. So I see what I think are red lights out of the corner of my eye, and I think I'm seeing things but look towards the window and see H's car pulling into the driveway. WTH????
I stayed calm on the outside while I panicked on the inside...
I just sat in my office, not knowing what he was going to do, say, why he was here, etc. I just waited to see if he would come to me, which he did. He came in to my office and said that the friend said to tell me hi. I shifted into some sort of robot mode and just acted as if he was coming home like any other normal night before this happened and talked with him about what the friend was working on, etc. H came over and rubbed my shoulders while I was sitting in my office chair. We talked a little while longer about business stuff, and then H walked out of my office into our bedroom and got into bed! Okay.... WTH?!?!?!?!?!?!?
So, now I'm WIDE AWAKE, and it's the middle of the night... I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm glad he just went to bed so that I had some time by myself to think before I acted.
So I decided to keep working for a while. I worked for maybe another hour or so. Then I went and crawled into bed with him. He was sound asleep snoring. I just snuggled up next to him. But I was still WIDE AWAKE! I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep without some assistance, so I got up and took some sleeping pills and ate a taco and crawled back into bed and fell asleep.
I woke up a few times in the night but was able to sleep fairly decently. We both started to kind of wake up around maybe 6:30 or 7 this morning. H came over to my side of the bed and cuddled with me several times as we kind of slept on and off. I had decided that I was just going to snuggle with him but that I was not going to initiate anything else, and I was hoping that if he did I would be able to muster up the strength to tell him no in a kind way but in a way that lets him know that I meant what I said about the mixed signals (not that him coming home at all doesn't leave mixed signals, but obviously ML is much worse).
He just kept snuggling with me. At one point he was hugging me really tight and said that he was sorry for everything and that he didn't mean to hurt me. Rather than me saying that I was sorry, too, and graveling, I just said "thank you" and shut up! This is one of the only, if not THE only, times HE has been the one to bring anything like that up. It was nice, but I didn't want to show too much emotion.
He asked me a while later if I wanted a backrub, and I said sure, and he gave me a nice backrub. WTH?!?!?!?!?!
He kept asking for big hugs and just holding me. He kissed me lightly a few times on the head and on my lips, but nothing passionate. And I didn't initiate anything but snuggles. I could tell that he possibly wanted to initiate more, but I was glad that he never did. I hope he thought about what I had told him and was respecting my feelings, even though he still came home period...
Before he left he said something like that he would see me later, beuutiful, which was also really nice. Again, I just said okay and didn't react much.
I BROUGHT UP *NOTHING* about why he came home, when/if he is coming home for good, our R/M/OW --- NOTHING! I just tried to be nice and warm yet distant.
So he left. Then he forwarded a phone message to me a little whle later. He introduced the call on my voicemail and was back to the same, distant self he has been... WTH???? It wasn't as if I expected him to be lovey dovey or anything and was frankly glad tha the wasn't, but I guess I thought maybe he would be a LITTLE warmer to me?
Then I caught myself and reminded me that I simply CANNOT have any expectations. I have absolutely NO idea WTH he is doing or thinking. I'm so confused. But if I put expectations out there, they could just get stomped on, so I just need to let it be for what it was and continue on with DBing.
In H's voicemail introduction, he said he had forgotten to talk to me about the voicemail he was forwarding to me and that we could talk about it whenever, maybe get together for lunch or something. I was going to do everything in my power to NOT go to lunch with him. Accept some invitations, but not all...
So I had an appointment this morning and happened to meet someone there who possibly has some real estate to sell. I was excited to get some info about it. Then I was confused because I'm still so in the dark about what we're doing and about the business, etc. Somehow because *I* found the possible deal, I was all excited to talk to H about it and whether it would make sense to do it or not. But when HE finds something, I panic and know I don't want to keep building our business together if we are not going to stay together as H and W. So I'm working on trying to figure out why I felt this way.
At any rate, I had planned on just acting today like I have been insofar as not talking to him, etc. But then I found myself so excited about the possible deal... It was located about a block from our job site, which was ironic. So I went and looked at it and then stopped by the job site. H was there. I talked to him about my appointment this morning and about the possible deal, and we talked about a few other business things. It was lunchtime, but I purposely didn't mention anything about going to lunch, and neither did he. So we talked for a while, and he hugged me, and I left.
I remembered after I left that I had forgotten to tell him something important and timely, so I recorded a voicemail message and forwarded it to him.
He wrote me an e-mail that I just got a little while ago. It was concerning our friend. I wrote him back and told him that I had left our friend a voicemail today letting him know that H had told me what is going on and that I was really sorry to hear it and that we are thinking about he and his family and are here for them in any way to help. I asked H in the e-mail if I was supposed to know about friend, just to make sure I hadn't said anything I shouldn't have. Don't know if H has responded to my e-mail.
So, H has a race car meeting tonight. He'll go with his dad probably. His parents live about 5 minutes from us. I think H usually goes and picks up his Dad and they drive together. So if he does that, he'll be coming back after the meeting to drop Dad off, and he'll only be five minutes away, whereas OW's house and the office are about 20 minutes away. We'll see what happens tonight, but I am remarkably calm about it. No expectations. Nothing has changed at this point. I'm glad that he came home, and it was really nice to just snuggle and be close and not ML. That may sound weird, but it was nice. It was obviously nice to just be close to him and have him hug me, but I think it's also because I felt like he was respecting what I said about the ML.
So, back to DBing. I regret going to the job site today now and have to back off completely again. It reminded me that I have to continue to work on not reacting immediately to my emotions, that I need to sit on them for a bit and make sure that it's really what I want to do. So the rest of the day, no phone calls unless absolutely necessary for business. Forwarded voicemail messages if I need to tell/ask him something, and e-mails about business if necessary. That's it, and I'm working on limiting them to the absolute necessities.
I feel really good today, not because I have my hopes up, because I'm being careful not to do that, but it was just a really nice night.
So, what do you think about all of this? Give me your interpretations from the outside looking in. Should I have asked him why he came home? Should I have just gone to bed in the other room? Any clues as to WTH he is doing?!?!?!?!?!?! I know I'm not supposed to analyze his actions/words. I just feel like that just when I believe I've screwed up and backslid that he reaches out to me somehow??? (eg, two weeks ago after my HUGE horrible meltdown on Monday night when he came home that Thursday night after our meeting, which, BTW, just happened to have that same friend of ours as a guest speaker that night - WTH?, and then this week when I semi-freaked out on him/stood up for myself on Saturday then went dark, then he comes home last night????)
Also, what do you think about the effect this friend seems to have on him? It's really strange, but I think he's come home maybe 5 times now, and 3 of them have been after some sort of meeting/encounter with this friend... And the other 2 times were times that *I* asked him to come home. Those other 3 times I said nothing, and H came home on his own... WTH?????????
