Yeah, we have to go get lottery tickets in Florida every year. One day we ARE going to win more than 15 dollars.
I think that is just hilarious that your H had on sexy bikini undies, and they asked if he was gay. My H will not wear anything but white undies to work, maybe for the same reason. I think I will just get the pouch, and do him up a gift bag and give it to him when we get there. And dare him to wear it for me.
My H does take everything personally, and now when he goes to the store for me, I tell him it doesn't matter if he substitutes one thing for another, because in the past, if I requested something or one brand, and they didn't have it or he just misunderstood and got something totally different, and I would get mad, and he would get his feelings hurt, now I just let it go, and I told him I don't care what brand or whatever he gets. He didn't believe me until the first time this happened, and I said what he got was just fine, no problem.
I just wish he would eventually send me flowers again, and then I think I would know he had finally forgiven me for that old incident.
It seems that when we show them a sweeter, more vulnerable side, and let them feel more like the leader of the marriage, they start to feel better about us, and themselves. Maybe that sounds kind of sappy, but it's probably true with many men.
Have you told your H recently that you liked it when he bought you flowers. Tell him you would love it even if they were dead flowers.
My H is having a hard time letting go of my past angry reactions as well. I also used to get mad if he didn't do something just right. In the last several months we've had few major disagreements, but when we do, I don't yell at him or even raise my voice anymore, even though he still snaps and snarls at me. Sometimes he snaps and snarls and says so many mean things that I do wind up saying something mean back. It takes a lot to even get me to that point though. I hope he has noticed.
We recently bought a new bedroom set. Saturday was it's initiation. Afterward, he commented that the headboard was noisy and that was why he didn't want one. I told him that I didn't care whether we had one either. I asked him if he felt that I had insisted on it when we bought it. He said, "Yes." I said, "You asked me if I wanted a headboard and footboard. I said that it would be nice to have. If you ask me for my opinion, I'm going to give you my opinion." I also told him that if he has a strong opinion about something, please speak up. He said, "Okay" and left it at that. Previously, he would have argued with me saying that I would have been angry if he said he didn't want the headboard and footboard. So either he is seeing that I'm trying, or he agreed because he wanted to make sure the issue was dropped.
Sorry to nag...but isn't all the analyzing in bed just more of the same? Finding fault with him not "guessing" right, even though you admit you don't verbalize, you expect him to just know...
Now, since you wrote it down and gave him "directions" I guess he has to study up to do it right. Which means you'll still get the credit for it and he'll only be following your lead...OR, he can try something different but since it's not on the list, he'll be wrong, again...
Honestly, can't you see how this is a no win for him? Maybe I'm off, VC, thoughts? I KNOW it's hard to talk about ml, and maybe b/c h and I are still geographically apart it's sort of easier to discuss, takes the pressure off...but still, he IS a man and doesn't he have some pride/ego about this? Doesn't this note writing and directing and mind reading, just take the spontaneity, and joy and love out of something that is not a sport or competition. It's an expression of love. Why not let him speak to you in HIS love language, and learn to receive it as such. I fear you are closing your heart to so much love b/c it is not wrapped the way you want it to be. We all do this. H's too. Wanting us to work full time to "pull our weight" when we actually did something harder by staying at home (and I know since I've done both), with no outside rewards...b/c we love them, and our children. Important thing is we spoke in our love language as best we could, and will try hard to learn theirs...(Five Love Languages--Great book, btw). The three of us have great examples of how we shut out the love they were sending, b/c we each have a "bad flowers" or "Bad present" experience that we wish we could take back and do over, with gratitude for the gesture it was meant to be. This is one specific goal I have with H, and that is to shut up about the "not on the list I wrote" and say/mean it when I say THANK YOU...(btw, he consisistenly purchases the wrong perfume for me, like the one I mention negatively, as in "i hate Chanel #5, and then I get it)...this Christmas, he got it right (J'adore) (D18 may have been with him but who cares?) and I wear it every time I'm with him. I learned a lesson. First of my 356 lessons, now, on to #2...
Food for thought. No offense. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not so sure my H saw Saturday as analyzing. I hope it is okay if I get a little more graphic...I tried to guide H to some new spots, which he did catch on to. Then I tried to get him to "go away and come back." I shifted around to get a little more comfortable. He thought I was pushing him away and he did get a little frustrated. I told him, "It's okay. I like what you were doing." Everything was okay after that. I left him to do what he wanted. So I did verbalize a little. I told him afterwards that I felt bad that I am having so much trouble verbalizing and that I confuse him. That was when I asked him if writing some things on paper would be okay.
What do you think about us sitting down with the list together? Would that be better?
I don't expect H to do only what is on the list. It just gives him some ideas. If he thinks of something else on his own, that would be even better. He is trying to learn some new things and I am trying to teach him. Anything new he does is fine with me--just as not knowing where we were going on our date was fun.
How is giving him a note mind reading? Isn't it just the opposite?
I read LL. I am trying to learn his and speak it to him.
I totally understand and KNOW it is hard to talk about sex, and if my H said I could write it down, and he would read it, I probably would, at least until the embarrassment wore off. Now we will talk about it, but initially it was terribly difficult. And this was only recently. I don't think giving him a note is mind reading, if you are only telling him what YOU would like him to do. Or maybe telling him what you would like to do to him. I would think a guy would like a sexy note. How did he react to the note in his sock drawer?
Maybe I will tell H to call the dead flowers guy and have some delivered. No, he will BRING me flowers, but it was the idea that ones he had DELIVERED to me were the ones that were already drooping. And last year he had flowers DELIVERED to ow from a florist that we have had an account with for over twenty yrs. I have mentioned this to him, but won't mention it again, because I fell if he does have flowers DELIVERED to me again, it will really be special to me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H hasn't looked at the note yet. I asked him tonight if he would rather look at it alone or together. He said he will look at it alone. He sounded very positive about it. He wasn't abrupt and he didn't sound worried.
He's not interested in sex any more than once a week right now. So he probably won't ready to think about anything having to do with sex, until this weekend.
Hmmm, fingerpainting it... edible body paint. I could just see my drawings to tell H what to do.
Well, once a week for now is not too bad. When he gets more comfy with the new you, maybe it will get more frequent. My H told me about six months ago, we could only do it on Sunday nights. Well, he forgot that rule right quick and in a hurry. But, hey I told him okay, Sunday nights it is.
Anyone have any ideas for birthday presents. H's bday is May 12 (the day before mother's day). We usually blend it with Mother's Day. This year, I would like to do something that would make his day seem more special. Going out to dinner wouldn't be all that special. We do that every year. S and GF and MIL will probably join H, me and D.
H is not into very many sports, but he does like camping, hiking, snow skiing, and recreational bike rides. He's not a fanatic about any of them. He loves spending time with family.
Last night, H and I were sitting together on the couch. When it was just about time to get ready for bed, I asked H what he would like for lunch tomorrow. He told me what he wanted, then he asked me, "Why are you being so nice to me lately?" He jokingly asked if I had taken out an insurance policy. I took it as a retorical question and just giggled back at him.
I made his lunch then got ready for bed. He came up a little bit later. I was already drifting off to sleep, but I decided I should talk to H about his earlier question. I asked him if he really would like to know or if he already had a pretty good idea. He said, "No, I don't know, but I like it." I told him how I've been feeling so much more clear-headed since starting AD. He wondered why just now, after taking them for 2 1/2 years. I told him that working on a big project and having to make so many decisions together back to back finally made it very clear to me how I was irritating him. I told him that with other disagreements, it was harder to realize as fully what I did because he didn't get after me for it until he blew up at me for something else. He knows that he does that so he understood all of what I was saying. I also told him that seeing how good it made him feel for me to see what I've been doing wrong, made me what to do more things to make him feel good. He gave me a big hug and we drifted off to sleep! Big Sigh.
No, he will BRING me flowers, but it was the idea that ones he had DELIVERED to me were the ones that were already drooping. And last year he had flowers DELIVERED to ow from a florist that we have had an account with for over twenty yrs. 
