Short version: We are not compatible. She went looking for gentleness, I ask how gentle can I be with this wall between us? Why would she lower the wall? She doesn't trust me because I won't give her DD 50/50 because I don't "have" to. I say "I know you don't like it but that's the way it is" and this too is "see, that's why I can't be with you"...WTF? I point out we made an agreement and she broke the agreement by having an affair, she becomes defensive and says "how about all the bad things you did" and other sarcastic things like "forgive me for finding some love" etc. Great, try a new path...do I need to put DD on my insurance? Not unless you want to - translation :"I'm not leaving until I get my way"
Rehash my bad behavior from the past: Being around me was being "awash in negativity". Shorter version: I do/did everything wrong OW does everything right. She's known OW a long time, they go back years and have a history. Met OW in March me in Dec (such a long time wouldn't you say?) I found a way to point out that OW got together with someone else during a time she and spouse were both single and DIDN'T pick spouse. (She knows this and resents it by the way so I thought I'd poke it - so much for que sera sera) Also worked in the she and OW hadn't much of a relationship outside of the last year. They never socialized during the time we were together. VERY RARELY and she saw NOTHING of her for about 4 years at a time. OW was in another zip code, not some other world...could have found each other if they'd been looking.
I point out that all my bad behavior is in the past. She has no real answer to this. I asked if I was really such a "bad angry etc" person would we really be having the conversation a year after I find out she's sleeping around? She has some reflective answer akin to "I know you are but what am I?" I laughed once which is the big sin. Can't remember what it was about now but that always frosts her. It wasn't a real laugh, it's a snort that just flies out at some incongruous thing she spews. Alien speak.
I also marched out: you get YOUR freedom but you don't get everybody elses freedom too. These are your choices and they apply to you. You don't get to make choices for everybody else.
And: You seem to want me to have all the responsibility. Why do you want to leave your fate in my hands? To which the reply was "not any more, for a while I wanted anybody else to have the responsibility, but not any more"...don't know what that means but I'm not buying it.
I held it together pretty well but finally got up and walked outside to melt down. She came to the door and said, rather snottily, "I guess we're done?!". I answered "I'm taking a break". I sat outside crying for 20-30 min and she kept scampering by (the working refrigerator is in the garage and she was putting stuff away) When not outside she was banging pots in the kitchen. On her 3rd trip to the garage I went inside, took sleeping pill and other meds, got shoes and started out the front door. She stops me and says "Shall I lock up?" WTF does that mean? I say no, go for a walk, cry, walk some more, finally go home and go to bed w/o a word.
And what does any of this mean? Diddly! Who knows. I said some things I had to say and she heard the words. Seeds were planted and enough BS flew that they might grow. ()*&!!!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
