Whore/Madonna Syndrome

[Heywyre]

Are you sure you and I and your H and mine aren't all clones?

I can't believe there is another couple that matches us almost identically - it's unbelieveable at times.

However, as much as I am not a religious person, I do have my very strong spiritual beliefs and perhaps some being out there just knew I needed a little extra support to get through this and, presto!! there you were. Someone that not only could understand what I was going through but someone that also had all the quick witted responses I need - how kewl is that?

H quite often gets people saying how I give him a run for his money. I am quick (most of the time) to his very dry english humour (which a lot of people miss totally) and I can hold my own better than most. He has always told me he married me for what was between my ears and I believe him (which hasn't been working as clearly as I would like lately)

When he tells other people that he married me because of my intelligence, most make a face, thinking that is somewhat of an insult but I am very quick to tell them that my H couldn't have given me a nicer compliment than that

[Greeneyedlass]

Ummmm...would you believe (oh of course you would) that I'm not a religious person either (even though I live in the middle of the Bible Belt), but I also have very strong spritual beliefs...and a belief in something much bigger? I believe that Kharma will come back to kick you in the ass if you do something that warrants it. I believe when you put positive energy out...you receive positive energy back, and vice-versa as well.

I do believe when you put it out there that you need help, someone WILL be there with a hand.

Perhaps you are our Canadian clones LOL

Interestingly enough my H is religious, although not a regular church-goer. We have some interesting conversations LOL Fortunately he accepts me as I am and can see the possibility in some of my statements when it comes to religion and my questioning of it.

[Heywyre]

That is what I was going to say - LOL

I thought (to myself) the only difference is they are in the States and we are in Canada - how weird eh

If I had a nickel for every time H and I have talked about "fate" I would be a millionaire. We totally believe it in.

Here's something for you to chew on. In one of the articles I was reading about this complex, it stated that the men (as they get older and the problem becomes more prominent) they are usually drawn to women they feel (subconsciously) can "help" them

I have thought this for such a long time. I am convinced (well, before I even found out about this complex) that I was probably the only person that not only understood him, but that would stick by him through thick and thin to figure out what the problem was. I knew there was something there and I wasn't about to be just another woman in his life that "abandoned" him. However, that does come with the price. And the price is sometimes I feel as through I am a martyr - I even told the C that and he reassured me that it was the last thing I was.

[Greeneyedlass]

""Here's something for you to chew on. In one of the articles I was reading about this complex, it stated that the men (as they get older and the problem becomes more prominent) they are usually drawn to women they feel (subconsciously) can "help" them"

I absolutely believe this. I think we subconciously find the people who can help us with our issues, who will make us face them in a way....and who are best equipped to deal with them. That's not to give myself a huge pat on the back or anything...but I have the patience to try different things with my H, I have the patience to try to understand how he thinks...and I have observed his behaviors. I'm also able to empathize with his side of things...I work very hard to see not only my side, but his too (sometimes unsucessfully).

In turn being with him has made me confront some things myself, such as my fear of confrontation. My fear of truly speaking my mind because of what someone might think/do (I'm waaaaaaay past that now.), and my inability to ask for what "I" really need because I was always putting someone else before me. Now, while he didn't really help me confront these things...I did confront them because of him.

So I completely believe that.

[Heywyre]

I was always putting someone else before me

This is unbelieveable!!! THAT is EXACTLY what C and I talked about yesterday, how all my life I have put others before me!

I grew up in a very large family and the older kids (which I was one of) took care of the younger ones. At the age of 8 I was already responsible for taking care of my 4 younger siblings - quite the load to put on a 8-year old. I just learned that their needs came before mine. It wasn't that I begrudged it, nor do I do now. My H and children have always come first.

Now having said that, in my first marriage I lost who I was because I allowed that to go to far. When I got divorced, I swore NEVER to go there again and I have held true to my word for a lot of years. The past few years I have let that slip. I am still very much in control but with my H having MAJOR depression and ending up in the emergency ward of the hospital because of it, I wasn't about to put my "needs" first. He needed someone to be by his side and that's what I did. However, in the process, I lost a lot of my own personal needs being met. We were in a major car accident 4 years ago and that didn't help things and I have some health issues because of that, that has affected our R also. That is the part that I am just starting to take back. I am addressing what I need to do to help ME. Up until now, so much of the concentration has been about HIM and, it was justified. But I believe that he is not only strong enough to get through the rest by himself, he is also strong enough to start helping ME heal too (another thing C and I talked about - he asked what was being done to help me heal from the hurt and pain I am going through)

[Greeneyedlass]

Well...ok here's where we differ :-) I wasn't raised in a large family and wasn't forced to have that type of responsibility early on (and can't imagine it either). I was raised in a upper middle-class home with two parents (who are still married) and one brother, I am adopted...but it was at birth, a dog, a cat, a goat, two ducks...yada, yada, yada...pretty Beaver Cleaver in our home.

BUT my father was pretty domineering, his opinion was the only one in the house so he'd shut you down pretty quickly. That's one reason I never learned to stand up for myself, intimidation due to my father's really horrible temper. That and the fact that I never saw my mother stand up for herself either.

Anyway...you just mentioned your H was hospitalized due to major depression. Has he always had that? Does he have moments where he's euphoric and on top of the world....then sort of crashes into the pits of despair?

GEL

[Heywyre]

No, he has the basic clinical type depression. It is something he has semi battled with most a good part of his life - primarily due to poor relationships. He only had to go on AD one other time and that was about 5 years ago when his business partner "stabbed" him in the back and started up another company in competition. It all worked out in the long run but my H takes his work VERY seriously. When things have gone awry in the past, he has always thrown himself into work - it is who he is! (like a lot of men). I don't know if depression runs in his family or not because - and here we go again - he's adopted!

It is VERY common, apparently, for adopted men to suffer from the W/M complex, because of the lack of connection with their biological mother. He was adopted pretty much right from birth too but that doesn't seem to have mattered.

Just out of curiousity, have you ever read the book called "Primal Wound"? It's written by Nancy Verrier. I bought it when my H first found out he was adopted and I could have sworn she interviewed him for it - its so dead on. However, you do have to take it with a grain of salt too because there are a lot of things that are very generalized (just like horoscopes) but it does seem to have a lot of merit. She also wrote another book called "Coming Home to Self" which deals with the adoptee from an adult point of view - not as insightful as the other one

[Greeneyedlass]

Honestly I've never read up on adoption literature at all. It's just never interested me. I've often been asked by people "aren't you curious who your parents are"...to which I always reply...."nope". I have parents, I have great parents...I have a wonderful brother, who bristles if anyone reminds him I'm adopted...because he doesn't look at me that way. That's not to say that I wouldn't be open to meeting someone from my biological family if they sought me out...I just won't go looking for them. Too many people take for granted that the biological family "wants" you to find them. Some people forget that sometimes people give up children due to horrible circumstances...that they don't want to be reminded of. I may take a look at that book though.

My husband and I are actually talking about adopting another child ourselves. We had our son nearly four years ago...so I think in a couple of years we'll adopt another that is a bit younger than him, rather than have another ourselves. My Grandmother is adopted, my Mom is adopted, and so am I...so we'll just continue the tradition.

GEL

[Heywyre]

Wow that's amazing - good on ya!! I alsmost adopted a child in my first marriage. I had gone through two miscarriages and was pregnant a third time and it wasn't going well. H and I decided if that one didn't work out, we would just adopt, but it did and I was blessed with a daughter (who is now - yikes!! - 30 years old - so I guess that's another thing we don't have in common, our ages)

Then I got pregnant with my second one, who is 28. Both pregnancies were very difficult and, as much as I wanted to have at least 4 children, it was seriously advised that I stop while I was still ahead. After all, I had two healthy children and a third could leave them motherless, so I stopped.

Tracing your family would be difficult, to say the least, with the background. I'm into genealogy, so I guess that is part of the reason we sought out my H's side of the family. However, it semi backfired because, I really don't think my H cared much. He was born in England and his life has been here since he was 5, end of story. We did find his biological mother (albeit 6 months too late) and a half brother, who wants nothing to do with him. But that's ok with H too because he figures if someone doesn't want to at least talk to him, then he isn't work talking to.

[Crazy Eddie]

Now I've got another reason not to cheat... I can't stand for people to dig through my things!

Maybe that should be part of the pre-marriage counseling... what your spouse will do if he/she doesn't throw your a$$ out for cheating, that might make you wish they'd just dumped you and gotten it over with. That, and a sexual encounter a day (or at least every week) will keep the divorce lawyer away.

Heywyre, how'd you find your husband's birth family? I'm seriously contemplating spending large amounts of money on a private investigator, but it's certainly not something I'm rushing into.