I can't thank you enough for your time to read my story and give me your insight. I appreciate it so much!
Ok, GEL, specifically, he wanted me to be more "into it", show him he was a priority. He wanted me to initiate and he has always hinted but now he seems to be hung up on a couple of things: anal sex, shaving and me swallowing during bj. Sorry to be graphic, but those are the things that he says he thinks I did with other guys and won't do with him. (I have told him this is not true and he tells me he thinks I'm lying.) I saw our situation as more of a men like more hot sex and women like more romance. We would get into a vicious cycle where neither of us felt like we were getting what we needed to feel really giving to the other one.
NOPkins, thank you so much for reading ALL my posts. Lol, I would cut you a paycheck if I could. Lol! First of all, you are right on many points. I probably should stay out of bars right now, that was a very rare opportunity for me to go out, but I can see how it made him totally suspicious even though *I* know that there was nothing to it. I should wear my ring. I will make a point to do that. It was an oversight. (PS He never used to wear a ring, for years, and I asked him to wear it again after I found out about the email relationship.)
As far as fighting, I have totally pulled out of fighting mode. I considered leaving town with the kids yesterday, but I didn't. I made dinner, small talked, etc. When bedtime came around, (he has to get up early to go to work, I am a stay at home mom, and I'm more of a night owl), I said I was going to go read on the couch and I would come back to our bed to go to sleep. He said why are you doing that? I said, because it's 11:15, I assume you are turning out the lights soon. He said well, I figured I would sleep on the couch. I said why? He said, to keep a distance. I said, that is your choice. But then I headed into the living room to read on the couch and he stayed in bed.
This morning, I wanted to take a shower before both kids woke up, but it was right around the time he normally gets in the shower. I didn't know if it would cause problems with hot water, so I said, "Do you think we could both take a shower at the same time?" He said, "I really need to get ready." I said, "Did you hear what I said?" He didn't seem to understand. Later he said, "I thought you meant for you and I to take a shower together." I said, "oh." No, I'm not at a place where I can suggest that. We had sex last week or so, but things have changed since then.
The biggie yesterday was realizing he changed his passwords a week ago, stating that I "lost my right" to his passwords after I snooped. The day after finding out about the email relationship, I asked him "Do you have anything to hide?" He said, "no." I said I want your passwords then." He seemed surprised and a tiny bit flustered by my request, but he consented. I had been telling him though that it was kind of an unspoken understanding between us that I would be occasionally checking and he deleted EVERYTHING. It was kept clean as a whistle. So when I pointed out that he was corresponding with people I found in our computer history that he deleted out of his inbox, I felt he was being deceitful. So last night after work, he asked me why I had made a point to be gone when he came home. (I took the kids for a walk and came home just before 7 and cooked dinner.) I said "I'm angry." He said "Well you've either just come to this conclusion or Missy put it in your head, because you didn't feel that way before you left." I said, "It was when I found out today that you changed your passwords." (which he had done a week prior but I had just realized because it was the first time I had checked and he confirmed that yes, he had done that.) Some time a bit later he asked me basically if I was still wanting to try or if my mindset had changed and I said no, my mindset had not changed. I feel like he has set this whole situation up so that what *HE* did doesn't exist and all we focus on is what *I* did so long ago.
I agree that it would be counterproductive to discount his feelings. I am getting towards the end of my rope with it though. I feel like I have been patient and apologetic for SO long. I also feel like I've been drug through the mud in a BIG way for a LONG time. I also feel like whenever I am legitamitely (sp?) mad at him, this is what he pulls up as defense.
Ok, as far as Missy goes. She is a very no-nonsense type of person and she has NO patience for hearing about the past anymore. Joey knows this because the day that I asked him for passwords, I told him that I saw he had changed his passwords. He asked how I knew (our computer went on the fritz when he ripped the mouse out for fear that I was going to email the OW.) I told him I had called Missy and asked to check his email for me. That was all that was said about it. But that night he called her before leaving work. She said that she told him everything she ever wanted to say on the topic. She said that she was very honest about how she hopes that we can fix things, but if he cannot get over the past it is no longer valid for him to bring up the past. This infuriates him and once, when we were leaving a counseling session, he was FURIOUS and banging the steering wheel, saying "She has no idea and I hope to God she never experiences the pain I've felt!!" I have probably been more understanding than my friends, but there is a part of me that has had a limited tolerance for hearing about it.
Whatever you are thinking on the situation, please feel free to tell me, I really appreciate any advice.
The other thing about Missy is this. (I may have mentioned this in a post, but glossed over it because it's complicated.) About one year ago, Missy developed a relationship with a long time friend of our from high school. He moved in with her and now they are engaged. He is the best friend of a guy that I was with while Joey and I were broke up. So Joey feels that he and the other guy were part of that time period. All of us can see his animosity towards the other guy, named Charles. But we cannot so clearly see the logic in him hating Joe. Joey explained it as Charles being a 10, then Joe is a 9 (on the hatred scale?). This affected Missy because she was wanting to come and visit me for my baby shower and was in this brand new relationship etc. Joe was going to bring her and drop her off then go visit his family in the area. Joey threw a fit and refused to let Joe even set foot in our house. Missy was offended and refused to even stay at our house, so I got her a hotel (which I paid for out of my embarassment, which Joey found out about and got pissed over.) So this was all one year ago. Somehow, miraculously, Joey has decided to ease up on the Joe situation and while I think it still bothers him, he does not say a word when we see them socially now. That situation is MUCH better. He shook his hand when we met up once and we were all blown away. Since then I think he has transferred all the hatred to me (where it logically belongs I guess.)
