Sink or Swim

[cat03]

The fact remains that so much of this has resulted from H's poor choices...how do I encourage him to make better choices and hold his feet to the fire when he makes bad ones
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Even though my reaction was understandable (when I found out about A and other details) the way I reacted showed my H that in now way was I able to learn the truth and deal with it without "punishing" him. I think that's why he hid so many things, thinking I'd hit the roof if I learned, just like I did when I uncovered a few other things.

It has been hard for me to learn to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am pushing myself to do it, and it paid off recently. Example, I found somethings that H was supposed to get rid off, among them a pict of halloween in which ow and him had gone in matching "wizard of oz" customes". At the same time, mcDonalds was releasing W of Oz dolls and one day I find a handfull of them in his car, and I thought they were for my daughter.

Few days later we clean his car to load some furniture and the dolls aren't there. I ask him about it and he says "don't know". My mind starts racing because last week was ow's bday, I'm thinking "he gather those dolls to send to her". That sat. he stays sleep while I take kids to church. At some point I'm practically in a frenzy, foaming at the mouth from anger that he's done such thing, I'm dead sure he's done it. I go home, look through his stuff trying to find "evidence". Nothing is found, I go back to church (I had sneaked out during kids' classes).

I was going to tear him a new one, I pictured myself telling him he might as well pack up and go with that slut...etc etc, the whole 9 yards. Thank heavens I'm in church, I calm down a bit, and I pray hard to calm down and have the wisdom to bring this up without raising hell and screaming. I get home and check his call log online, there is a call not yet specified at 6:30am, I'm sure he called ow to wish her happy bday. H is half awake and asks me what's going on.
I sat down, and calmly say:"I want to trust you but I'm not sure you are telling me the truth and are hiding stuff from me, did you send her something?", and we go from there. H tells me that the dolls are somewhere in the house; that he kept the picts to remind him not to ever go there again, that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and to remember if ever thinks of doing that again that it was a terrible idea. No yelling, no screaming.
I ask to see his tmessages, he shows me. Then I ask to see his log call, at this point he says 'this is ridiculous, i'm not showing you anything because you are going too far'. In the past I would've kept on going and gotten madder and madder. But this time I know that all I'll accomplish by forcing the issue is to shut him down. I tell himI think he prob is hiding something that's why he won't show me. I quietly get up and go downstairs to watch tv w/kids.
A few min later he comes down, sits next to me and shows me his log (as he is doing so I'm sure he's erased the ow call). And lo and behold, there it is, the 6:30am call to his coworker...

Two other things happen this week, I could've been mad and rammed into him about it, but I chose to conmiserate, and to realize he already felt bad about it and shut my mouth before I started with "why didnt' you.." or "I can't believe you..."

In the long run, our attitude towards their mistakes might teach them that we are safe ground. There is nothing else we can do to encourage them to make better choices. I have to revise my "Power of a praying wife" to remind me that we can not make our Hs make good choices, we can only pray for them.