I have never posted on a site like this before and actually never thought I would have to, but here I am. Reading everyone's posts has really helped me alot the past few days. It helps knowing that I am not alone in this. I am still at the beginning stages of my "mess" and not really knowing what to expect or do. I have done the begging, the crying, the screaming, the threatening, and now am just left alone and empty! Here is a little history of the long story!
We have been married almost 12 years, have 2 beautiful sons 9 and 4, and have had a pretty normal marriage or so I thought, however we have always had a communication issue. He doesn't like to talk, I do!
His business started really struggling this past year and the stress was a little overwhelming. We started having some BIG arguments in November and more so in December, when I finally went to stay with my mom saying I couldn't deal with it anymore. He called and begged me to come home, cried and said he was sorry, that we could go to counseling and he would learn to communicate better. I came back home the following day and we talked about how we would work things out. Well the counseling kept being pushed back because of money and eventually the whole thing was dropped. The arguments died down through January but then picked back up in February.
I had suspected in the recent past that he had been sports betting online but he denied it and said it was all just playing around and that no real money was being used. I only half believed him at the time but I let it go. So on February 25th I caught him and again he said it was play money. I made the statement that I would put a keylogger on our computer and that he better be honest with me because I would find out. Again he denied it. So I did just what I said and put the keylogger on the computer. Boy was I shocked with what I found out!
Meanwhile this argument escalated to the point of him packing his things, putting everything into his car and saying he was leaving, that it was over and that marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. In the end, he stayed and again said we would work it out, that the kids needed both parents and that we could get through this! It was just the stress and everything and that he loved me!
Then comes February 27th (D DAY) I came home and went to check my email I saw in the history that the gambling page has been opened so I quickly check the keylogger. I don't even see the gambling page but rather find an email from him answering a personal ad. to be with a couple. After a long night of questioning, fighting, etc. I found out this has been going on for some time. he has been looking for No Strings Attached affairs with married or single women/couples and meeting them at lunch. Details of what he confessed to:
1 threesome 2 married women w/o husbands (one got attached even though he supposedly only saw her 2 times) 1 voyeur experience - he watched 1 married woman oral only Multiple picture trading (one of which is his employee who still works there, I think he actually cared, maybe even still cares for her- I asked if he was in love with her and he said he didn't know then later took it back and said he was only trying to hurt me)
Not sure if this is the whole of it but this is what the told me about. Actually what I was able to get out of the emails that I was able to access before he deleted them all (2 years worth) So I was shocked, horrified, angry, sad! I was feeling the whole gamut! Still am actually. This is like a roller coaster that I can't get off of!
Now on my side of the whole thing, it just so happens coincidentally that I for the first time in our 12 years decided to cheat on him the VERY night that I found out, right before i got home with a co-worker. Mine was done out of the need for feeling wanted. I had just been told 2 days prior that I was the biggest mistake ever and I felt like it. A good looking male co-worker had shown some past interest and I decided to take him up on it. I was feeling unwanted, unloved and unattractive. I pretty much thought it was over and that it was just a matter of days before he was gone anyway. I confessed to what I had done and he wasn't even really that angry. But it did help him feel like he wasn't the only bad person in the entire thing.
Now where we are at is we immediately went to counseling to see if we could save our marriage. The c said yes but it would take work. He doesn't know what he wants, if he even wants to be married. I have said all along we could work this out. The affairs were awful but we could work on forgiveness. He says that he has felt like a caged animal. He got married too young (him 20, me 23) that we had kids too young (him 23, me 26) We are now H31 and Me 34. He says that I never trusted him, which I had some troubles with due to his friends etc. (more on that later, that he could never go out and just hang out with the guys and that he hasn't been happy for some time. He resents me for leaving a career in special forces early on in our marriage (we had a baby and it meant he traveled every other week for 2 weeks and while he was home he trained and was only home a couple of nights a week, not even to mention that his life was in danger when he finally would deploy for 6 months at a time.
So he stayed for a month and half, we went to counseling then we stopped. It seemed we only went over the old and never got anywhere. I left every meeting feeling worse than before. I wanted a plan but he wasn't willing to make one. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't want to have to "check in' with me. He didn't want to open up his life and be under the microscope. He didn't know if he could or even wanted to put in the effort it would take and he thought I would never get over it because I had held on to so many other things in the past. He didn't really make any attempts at trying or anything. The first weekend he insisted on going out with "the boys" to a party and came home after 3 am. So here I was thinking that we needed to work on things, spend time together and all he could think of was "spreading his wings"
Also, when I found out about everything, he stopped paying the bills and got us behind on everything. Creditors are calling etc. which only has made matters worse. Now he says he is a failure, he has failed at everything and that there is no way he can face my parents or anyone because he is too embarassed by what he has done. He didn't even go to work a few days in a row because he was so depressed by his having no money etc. So instead of working harder, he stopped working.
He still doesn't know what he wants. He says he loves me, he just doesn't know if he wants to be married to me. He loves me but isn't in love with me, and now thinks that maybe he never was. He might have just been in lust with me.
Finally a week and half ago I went a little crazy. I told him that I had hit rock bottom. That I could no longer be down in the bottom of this hole with him and that I had to crawl out. That I couldn't force him to love me, that I couldn't make him want me and that I needed to get help. That we were losing everything, not just our marriage but our house, our cars, our boat etc. We needed a plan and that he had done nothing. I finally had to call my parents and ask for their help which he hated, so he moved out. He is staying in his office on a blow up mattress. He has come home the past two weekends and things have been fine. Strained but ok for the children. This past weekend I had started reading the posts here and tried very hard not to talk about the relationship. I feel like now that all we have left is this horrible thing between us and nothing else to talk about. Everything we talk about always seems to come back to "us" As he has been gone, he just gets meaner and only looks at me with resentment, like I am the reason for his failures.
Where to go from here? I love him! I don't want to lose him! I can get over the cheating (I guess for me it is better than an emotional affair, I don't know if I could bear that) I bought Divorce Remedy today and will start reading it tonight. I am trying to do what so many have posted on here, not talking about the marriage but this hole in my heart and empty feeling in my stomach makes me want to. I want to know what he wants. I can't stand the indecision. I am starting to understand it and trying to give him his space but at the same time I feel like the space is driving the wedge even deeper between us! He told me once he was 60/40 about staying married but I don't think that he is there anymore. It feels more like 20/80. Or less even. He did say that he thinks still about sleeping with other women. Do I continue to try or do I just let him go? How can I trust him knowing he still wants other women? Will I ever be confident that I am enough for him? He has said so many hurtful things to me personally, about my body etc. and compared me to these 23 year olds who have not had any children and it has crushed my confidence. I have NEVER had a problem with men, I work out 4-5 times a week and take good care of my body, but two kids does take its toll.
I just can't believe this is happening to me and that he isn't here and trying to fix this. I want him to cry, I want him to beg for my forgiveness. I want him to want ME! I want him to open his life up on a platter and say trust me, here it all is. I wouldn't even want to look but the fact that it there if I wanted to would be enough. I want him to talk to me, tell me why. Not just because I didn't trust him for so long that he was finally doing it and saying hah now I finally am. What kind of person does that. He is acting like a 15 year old rebellious kid.
Tonight is a more positive night for me. I am working on me and making me right tonight. I haven't seen him today and sometimes that is better. When he is here, I am dying inside wanting him to just touch me, hold my hand, hug me, smile at me, anything! I just want to know he loves me. I have spent 12 years with him being the center of my life and what I am learning is that I need to be the center of my life and he is a part of it. That I need to make myself happy and that he can't be responsible for that.
Today I am ok, bought my book and am planning on doing some reading. Every other day is something new though. Hopefully I am past the begging stage. Last week I cried and begged, even told him that I would be willing to have an open marriage if he didn't leave me. Sobbed until I thought I was going to die inside. He left me crying in our entry, just drove off with me begging him to come back. After I calmed down, I felt so stupid. I new all I did was drive him further away. I knew this even while I was doing it but I couldn't stop. I just couldn't bear him walking out that door, leaving me with our 2 children. I have gotten better though. This last Sunday when he left I just said goodbye and let him go. No begging, no crying and he told me this was hard for him. So I continue to hope.....
