Welcome to my first thread. Don't want to bore you with too many details, or underwhelm you with too much whining, but I suppose a few specifics would be helpful.
W45, Me 41, 2 lovely D (4 & 8).
Sex rarely (approximately once every three to four MONTHS, after I finally give myself courage to ask once a day for a few days in a row). It is never enthusiastically or lovingly given to me. Sometimes, she has appeared to enjoyed it herself in the last year or two -- but, if you ask her on the rare occasion we discuss sex or our relationship -- she'll be sure to clarify that it is a burden.
The lack of sex has gone on pretty much since our first daughter was born. She was interested at the early part of our relationship, and often reached a satisfying climax. We have tried to blame it on depression, meds to treat the depression, perhaps some nerve/circulation damage from childbirth, or anything else non-psychological. But, we've run out of such candidates, I'm afraid.
IMO, she has been depressed to varying degrees for as long as I've known her (14 years), and I have been myself for at least half that. We now both take anti-depressants, and they clearly help her and me. Even she will admit they help her; as long as she takes them she gets along fairly well. Our long-time explanation for her lack of interest/arousal/satisfaction in sex is the anti-depressants. But, I strongly suspect that is only part of the story.
I am a good father. I think I've carried my weight with the kids, and sometimes hers (especially when they were infants, and her depression was especially bad).
She works part time (~20 hrs/week), very late hours. [Feels like she is avoiding me.] Our house is a mess most of the time. She claims her biggest grievance is that I don't do enough around that house -- cleaning-wise. Maybe I should be doing more, but I do share morning duties and take care of the kids almost all evenings and more than half the weekend, and, I don't think she gives me credit for the household help I do provide. It would be fair to doubt my version of those facts, but, really, I think this is not the real issue. And, frankly, right now I'm feeling an awful lot of resentment (sorry, but it's true), it's hard to listen to any of her demands/complaints. To the extent I have listened and acted before, it hasn't helped.
Our most recent discussion gravitated towards how she thinks it was a mistake for us to have gotten married; she thinks we are not really compatible. I've heard that funk before, and I suspect she's trying to distance herself from any feelings she may have. {guess there's more than one way to reject me}
Previously, she's mentioned that it's hard to feel attracted to me when she resents me so much about the lack of help I give her. But, IMHO, she's not being fair about this.
My gut feeling is she's getting into one of those modes where she convinces herself that marriage is a burden (used to be marriage and motherhood, so I guess there has been progress).
I should mention we haven't slept in the same bed (except for some rare occasion) for most of the last six or seven years. In retrospect, it sure seems like this has been HER choice. (I solved my snoring problem ages ago by seeking medical treatment. She isn't pregnant anymore, we don't have a waterbed anymore, she didn't like the space-age bed we tried for awhile (uhm, she didn't bother to sleep on it), she can't really go out of her way to shop for a new bed, and so she chooses to sleep on an air-mattress -- it's best for her back -- and, well, those just aren't made for two. Now we don't have money to buy a new mattress [especially since she spent "her" money on something frivolous]
Ack. I see I can't go for long without turning this into a pity party for myself.
Oh, and we haven't gone out on a "date" except for ONCE since our first daughter was born, plus ONE office x-mas party. IMHO, she played hard to get there too, and I've stopped trying.
To sum it up: We have no relationship, except for being "civil", at times friendly, and, if I've begged enough, a little bit of pity-sex-not-enjoyed-by-her. We have two daughters. I would have filed for divorce ages ago, if it weren't for them. I'm starting to get to the point where I think staying together is not the best for our kids. If not a day of my life in the last eight years has been happy, it can't be good -- for my health, or for the example we've been setting.
It's not about the sex, at least not any more. It's about her attitude towards me. She can't be bothered -- she can't give me five minutes of her time in a loving way, say, once a month or once a week, supposedly because I didn't stay up after getting the kids in bed to do a load of laundry, or didn't do that, or am somehow (financially, physically, etc.) a disappointment to her.
I'm tired of not having a wife, a loving fun relationship. I don't see any hope of having good times with her, and it's hard to remember if we really ever had.
Just lonely, and tired of trying. Maybe it's time to move on.
