Light at the End?

[~Sol]

Might as well start journaling again.

First thing first. W is acting really nice all of a sudden, we fight about our R, she accuses me of having online GF's, she's jealous of it, and yet she turns around and treats me nice...with ILY's again and doing things around the house. She's the one that started these projects, not me. I am ready to sell the house "as is" if it comes to that.

Second, I backslide on detaching. Her PA is just too much for me to take in. I see the mother of our child as a *****!! I'm just venting here, I know she made a mistake, but right now she did more than betray my trust. Is it my fault? I accept half of it that led to her having an A.

Third, my trust in her is shattered, but I really don't care for her "activities" anymore. That's why its hard to detach again, but I know I can. I loved her once, and just standing for my M knowing she screwed another man hits too close. I'm still processing, but I'm in pain when I'm alone. No one to turn to. It feels dark, not as dark as before but I just feel disgusted with her. I think if i had known everything all at one time I would be in permanent therapy. I still shake when I think about it, and I really despise the continued contact she has with that SOB!!!

I don't know if I want to continue saving my M anymore. There's no trust to build on, and she wants to continue on like nothing happened. I'm on a thread of hope here, but I know as soon as I start to detach I will improve. Right now it just hurts.....