Ok, I need some advice. Well it has been a month and a half since she first said that she was going to move out and she is still living with me. Granted, we have been in separate rooms but she is still here.
For the past month and a half, I have GAL and become a bit more mysterious. I always used to answer the phone when she called and would leave notes if I went out and she was not home. Now, when she calls my cell phone, I no longer answer all her phone calls. Some nights when I go out with friends, I don’t leave a note.
For the first few weeks, she would come and go as she pleased. Never calling or saying she was going out. Some nights she wouldn’t come home. While we had some nights where communication was good between us, most of the time little was said. She would get home and go straight into her bedroom. However, I was acting the same way. I wanted her to be the one to open up the lines of communication.
Since I began doing my 180s, she appears to be more interested in me and what I am doing. Even though there was little communication the first few weeks, when there was she would ask where I went the night before and who I was out with. I usually remained pretty vague, such as saying “I went out to the bar with some friends.” Her response was always, “Oh.”
Even though her not coming home at night or calling to let me know that she wouldn’t be coming home after work bothered me, I never asked where she was at or who she was with. I just kept my mouth shut. Even though I was being vague in my responses and I never asked what she did the night before, she always made it a point to tell me where she went out and who she was out with. It wasn’t a “rub it in my face” type of thing, it was just like, “Heather and I went to XYZ bar last night and danced.”
With the exception of her always telling me what she did the night before, I knew that she was behaving this way because she wanted to prove to me that her breaking up and wanting to moving out was what she thought she wanted. I am sure she was also doing these things out of stubbornness because I was acting the same way.
After a few weeks, communication got a bit better. We would actually spend time together watching television or a movie. While conversations were pretty short, just us being in the same room for an extended period of time was a step forward. She even started calling me when she got out of work to tell me she was stopping at the store and would ask if I needed anything. This was something she always did when we were together.
The past two weeks, communication has opened up a lot. We are much friendlier with one another and talking and joking like we used to. For the past two weeks, I have been complimenting her appearance, telling her how I really appreciate it when she cleans the apartment, etc. Last week, I went out for a walk around midnight and asked her if she wanted to join me. She said, “Yes.” During our hour and a half walk, she talked more to me than in months. It had nothing to do with our situation just work and life stuff. During this time I said little and just listened. When I did speak is was to support her opinion and thoughts. That night, I noticed her check on me while I was sleeping.
Like I said, the past two weeks I have noticed some major steps. I cooked dinner for her (something I have never done), we have gone out together, communication is A LOT better, etc. This brings me up to this past Saturday.
On Saturday she was sitting on the couch balancing her checkbook. I sat down on the other side of the couch to watch the ballgame. She and I started talking and she was telling me about all of the things she has to do within the next few weeks (she is in a wedding, preparing to go back to school, work, etc.). Honestly, for the past few months she has been VERY busy and getting burned out.
As we were talking she broke down and started crying. I gave her a hug and she put her head on my shoulder but didn’t really squeeze me. I asked why she was crying and she said she is just overwhelmed with everything going on her in life. I told her that I would always be there for her to talk to when she wanted to. Shortly after she collected herself and we began talking again. A few minutes later, she broke down again but collected herself shortly after.
While talking, she told me that her visit to see her co-worker was horrible. She stated that he really pissed her off and she was so happy to get back home. I was shocked to hear this because not once since she got back did I ever asked about her trip.
While we were talking, she told me she started up smoking again about a month ago (which was right around the time we broke up). She also told me she is still not sleeping well and cries every night. She also told me the one night she hung out with her friend; she just broke down and cried for two hours straight. I asked her why she had been crying so much but she really didn’t give me a definite answer.
During this conversation she also stated that she “doesn’t know if this is all worth it.” I asked her what she meant and she responded, “I just don’t know if going on is worth it anymore.” In other words, she was having suicidal thoughts. I asked her if she was serious and she said “sometimes I wonder.” At this point, I had no idea what to say or do so I went out for a walk.
When I got back from my walk, I came over and sat beside her on the couch and she started crying hard. She put her arms around me and rubbed the back of my head. She just kept saying, “I am sorry for what I did.” All I could say was, “It’s OK. I am here for you.” A few minutes later she collected herself and the conversation was over.
Here is where I need help! I am pretty certain something physically or emotionally happened between her and her old co-worker. She has made comments in the past that there was something she had to tell me but she couldn’t do it at that time. I don’t think that she can bring herself to tell me this information. Her first instinct is to run from situations. I have witnessed this in the past and her close friends from college say the same thing. I am not really sold on the fact that she really wants our relationship to be over. I feel that guilt has gotten the best of her and the only solution she sees is to exit the relationship.
I really think that she is depressed. She gets anxiety. She hasn’t slept well in months. She looks to fill a void (first with alcohol, then food, now she is smoking again). I know for a fact she is scared to death about going back to school for her nursing degree (How is she going to pay for it? Will she do well?) When she does go back to school, she will need to get a new job. This worries her. Seeing her friends start their careers and families bothers her. She has made the comment to me that she feels like a loser because she does not know where she is going in life. Her little cousin and close friend are both dieing of cancer.
I am really concerned for her wellbeing! I really think that she needs to get some professional help to assist her in her coping skills and get her head straight. I also don’t think that her moving out is going to help her situation.
We both can be stubborn people, but I am wondering if she is waiting for me sit her down and tell her it is alright for her to tell me what she has been keeping bottled up for so long. And, that she might be surprised how supportive and forgiving people can be.
I know that I am not the one that should bring up the relationship but maybe she dropping hints that she wants me to initiate the conversation. I don’t know what to do!
