If you are going to tell them anything, perhaps you can tell them that mom and dad are not getting along, and you're going to have a time out ... don't have to mention D. Don't load too much onto their little shoulders, more than they can even understand. Be sure to tell them that they are not to blame, and that they are very much loved, and that they will always be safe and happy because they are the most important people to you. Dr. Phil says that sometimes kids think that things are their fault even when it's obvious to us that it's not ... not obvious to them, though.
I've always been an affectionate person ILY, hugs, snuggles, playtime, joking around w/ Ss. I've stepped it up even more. I would tell S8 and a regular basis that none of this was ever his fault. S8S3 did nothing what-so-ever to make this happen.
As resentful of your W as you may be (and justifiably so), try to keep interactions between the two of you as civil as possible. Detach, detach, detach. Try treating her like you would an acquaintance ... politely. For the sake of the kids. Believe me, they know more than you think they do, so try not to be sad around them, or say anything about their M. Children pick up on emotional stuff, so they must be reassured that they will be okay, no matter what.
I just feel so bad for your S8 - it's an age where they still are very much emotionally attached to their parents, and boys are particularly attached to their mothers, usually. Is he close to his grandma, where he can get some good motherly attention, and fussing over?
S8 was/is very attached to M. That's what hurt so bad when I would see pay more attention to S3 w/ S8 looking on. If anything about what all is going on, my comments to W and her reading some of my threads made her realize it. The last week she has made a strong effort to correct. Last summer S8 really back away from M. W kept blaming me and GP for turning S8 against her. I'm in a very fortunate situation. My parents live very close. My mother is a very doting GM. My sister doesn't live as close, but she is a good Aunt. Ss godparents are the F that are trying to help W and I. She adores Ss. They're taking Ss out next weekend for movie or fishing.
Don't worry over past mistakes ... it's done. Learn from it, and move on.
