I have two totally opposite feelings. On one hand, I relate to your wife's career feelings about wanting to make a difference in the world, leave our mark, in addition to what we do as wives/mothers. I often feel like an accessory to H's career and he has certainly put it first in his life.
I don't harbor any ill feelings towards W's career. W has MSPT along w/ all kinds of certs. She has an excellent reputation. I'm very proud of her for what she's accomplished. I've told her this time & time again. She always tells me I don't know anything about the PT field. I'm not knowledgeable enough to make those statements. What I didn't like was when she put the career over F time. We would finally get an open W/E, nothing planned. W would go and schedule a class
Our biggest problem, imo, is that he is a workaholic the way your wife is. It's selfish. Period. Fast food for the starving ego. Promotions and public accolades, titles, bonuses, etc.
It's not that she's a workaholic. It's a self-esteem issue. She feels that's the only place she can do right. That's where my faults came in to play. I was always second guessing @ home. Didn't mean to. Would ask a question about what or why. I was just curious. W took as critical of her abibilities. W won't accept promotion, doesn't want responsibility of mgmnt. Just wants to treat patients
ALL so much more rewarding than changing diapers and reading pre-school books....the thing about parenting, is that it's like putting a small deposit on a daily basis, into a "mother bank" and you don't see the compounding interest in this R/effort until years down the road when you see the closeness of the kids with you, and the men they become.
When W and I first met, she was in Grad school. One of the attractions. I new she was dedicated. I was a little surprised she was persistant about kids. After we married, she kept talking about it. She was the one that pushed the issue. Said how she wanted to be on PTA. Took a position, after S3 born so she could be home when S8 got out of school. Then all of sudden W was too busy to be on PTA and didn't know if she could make it home in time for S8. All of a sudden I'm being to critical when reminder her of these decisions.
I read that in a book called "The Heart of a Father", I think. She really is missing the big picture. She'll never be indispensable at work, but is irreplaceable in their young lives, and always will be.
OKAY, the other feeling is that I'm pissed at your wife. Although I can understand the resentment she'd feel, and how your cynicism would drag her down, etc., I cannot for the life of me, get what the hell she is doing to your kids. I hope you get them.
Unfortunately, state of MO heavily into co-parenting. They want you shipping the kids b/f every few days or a week and split holidays. Unless you can prove abuse, addiction or abandonment. Besides, this will fit right into her plans . When she doesn't have the kids she can do her own thing, no more full time responsibilities. Find herself.
I really do. She'll fob them off to the day care any chance she gets, to advance her career, "pursue new opportunities", etc. sky dive, etc. Her mantra about kids getting over it is a joke/bandaid for her. I heard someone say that "we (adults) have to find our bliss and discover our selves, and that kids are resilient and will move pass their pain..." Seems to me that is BACKWARDS, isn't it?
No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. None.
Wanna bet. W actually told me she resents me for becoming close w/ S8. I think that was one of the reasons she took to S3 so closely and paid less attention to S8. I really think she held it against S8, too. She says she didn't, but to this day she still treats S3 differently then she does S8
All you can do as a father is assure them of your love. My DB coach said not to say tge word divorce, unless you KNOW it's coming. "Time out" might be a better way to describe it in the meantime. Why "commit" to the divorce until it happens, and why take away ALL their hope? I agree with the others though, about not fooling them with fake hope b/c they'll never trust their perceptions about R's, and life, trust, etc. Too bad we can't get your DB coach and W's C together. W's C thinks that if W and I "take the high road" in this, it will help Ss w/ own R in the future. Yaaa!
DB coach said to tell d9 that no matter what happens, HER happiness was MY priority, MY goal was to do what would make HER happiest....this seemed to help her feel safer, minimize the upheaval in her life. Now, as we seem to be re-joining him far away, it is HER I most care about. Someone has to put the kids first. ALSO, put her crap out. Let her go find herself.
Meanwhile you'll be contrasting her negative images of her father/you/brothers/Men in general, with the new, better you. Ironically, SHE is leaving two young males and she is shaping who they will become and how they'll view women...it is OUR job as mothers, to raise good men...
I guess she missed that chapter in Dr. Spock's book.
Counter her negative images, some of which might be accurate but out of date, and others she is just using to justify herself, with POSITIVE images of a caring, strong man with an open mind and heart. A guy willing to improve himself, willing to step up to the plate, and a guy willing to forgive.
To reiterate one thing, for emphasis, No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction she sees with her kids and their dads. Heck, some women stay M just for that reason; the guy is a good dad.
If you've got any names and #'s let me know. I may be needing one of those soon
As for her need to leave her mark, you can encourage her to make a difference as long as she doesn't leave a mark/SCAR on your kids, charity begins at home, etc. (Okay, maybe you don't have to say those last comments)...just that you understand her admirable desire to impact lives but may ask how her dad felt about HIS own fathering while he was on his death bed. My father's workaholic tendencies haunted him on his deathbed, and changed me forever. I wish your wife had learned the same lesson I did. (hugs) j-
