GEL, Thank you SO much for replying. He says that we fight constantly (a bit over exaggerated, but I would agree we fight too often) and he says we are just like roommates, no passion.
When I caught him in his emotional affair (a flirtatious email relationship) I was anticipating our "date night" which *I* had been the one to mention/support/keep up with. He never mentioned it. He never even seemed excited about it, but went along with it.
He also is TORTURED/HAUNTED by a major breakup we had 1 year into our relationship, back in 1992. Yes, 1992. Some social acquaintances (distant) popped back into our life right before our son was born a year ago, and it reared its ugly head in a big way. He has been telling me since then how unhappy he is, but then things would seem to settle down and I would relax. From *MY* perspective, things were not that bad. Imagine being in a "comfortable" relationship where sure you know you need to improve some things, but you aren't the one unhappy and he would always come home (especially after a business trip) and talk about how he was unhappy and didn't know if he could live like this anymore, we fight all the time, etc. When he was really full of discontent, he would start to mention the past, how I had hurt him back then. He worshiped me and I broke his heart and slept with other guys. (We were apart for a couple of months and yes, both of us were in relationships, I initiated the breakup because I totally settled down and changed my life for him then began to resent it. I wish it never happened, and I admit I was being horribly selfish and cold during that time, but he MARRIED me SIX YEARS LATER. We had our first child ELEVEN YEARS later and I simply don't know what else to do. I do not think he is doing it consciously/intentionally, but I feel like whenever he starts to feel discontent, he uses this as a way to fend off any responsibility he may have in the relationship. When I found out he was emailing this woman, I was so hurt because I had been getting this vibe from him like he was really unhappy, but it was all MY fault, and I kept looking at what I could do to improve things. Yes, I admit, I am a volatile person and we still did fight too much, but I was trying to maintain personal time for each of us, keep the love alive with sex, etc. He thinks that if I do kinky stuff with him, it's the ultimate sign that I love him above all others and I'm sorry, with the EA and all the turmoil, I am not going to initiate some of the things he wants me to do. It might make him feel better, but it won't do anything for me, so I'm not doing it!
Thank you for any further advice. I am really feeling hopeless.
