I don't think so. OC, I don't know what she does @ work. I could always mention to her that some people have posted to her, but quite frankly. She's shielded herself from everyone.
I tried that last summer. The only time she's "downstairs" is for sleeping. She would be up in the main part of the house all other time. It just became known as "Mommy's bedroom". Ss would go down in mornings on W/E to wake her up, just like they did when she still "lived" upstairs. She would make herself present in all other aspects of daily life.
Even now, she does so. She can be just as plesant as can be. If you were to walk into our house at an given time right, you wouldn't we were in the process of D. Except when something comes up like her starting to use the boys' bathroom to get ready for everything this W/E. It just got to me. I ended up making some smart a$$ comment. Ya, I know. I'm not supposed to. I just get pi$$ed off sometimes.
BeingMe, That was the mistake we made the first go around. I also have to correct one of my earlier posts. I said I made W tell kids. That's incorrect. W wanted to wait to tell kids, but I was the one that forced the issue. I was walking around the house as an emotional wreck. S8 couldn't understand what was wrong w/ Dad. W was walking around like everything just hunkydory. I finally had enough and said we're telling them. W wanted to say M & D not getting along and we're getting D. I had to say "No, Mom wants the D. I still L your M very much and I don't want one." We both told the kids we loved them very much. We just wouldn't be living together anymore.
I realized afterwards may not have been the thing to do. W and W's C certainly agreed. Said it put W in an unfair light to S8. Ya know what maybe it should. S8 very gunshy now. I can't say he know's what's happening right now, but I think he can sense something is about to happen. He's been coming up to me w/ extra huggs and affection, like he did last summer when he knew I was sad. He's now been this again, for the last two weeks.
If you are going to tell them anything, perhaps you can tell them that mom and dad are not getting along, and you're going to have a time out ... don't have to mention D. Don't load too much onto their little shoulders, more than they can even understand. Be sure to tell them that they are not to blame, and that they are very much loved, and that they will always be safe and happy because they are the most important people to you. Dr. Phil says that sometimes kids think that things are their fault even when it's obvious to us that it's not ... not obvious to them, though.
As resentful of your W as you may be (and justifiably so), try to keep interactions between the two of you as civil as possible. Detach, detach, detach. Try treating her like you would an acquaintance ... politely. For the sake of the kids. Believe me, they know more than you think they do, so try not to be sad around them, or say anything about their M. Children pick up on emotional stuff, so they must be reassured that they will be okay, no matter what.
I just feel so bad for your S8 - it's an age where they still are very much emotionally attached to their parents, and boys are particularly attached to their mothers, usually. Is he close to his grandma, where he can get some good motherly attention, and fussing over?
Don't worry over past mistakes ... it's done. Learn from it, and move on.
I sure hope things work out for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I have two totally opposite feelings. On one hand, I relate to your wife's career feelings about wanting to make a difference in the world, leave our mark, in addition to what we do as wives/mothers. I often feel like an accessory to H's career and he has certainly put it first in his life.
I don't harbor any ill feelings towards W's career. W has MSPT along w/ all kinds of certs. She has an excellent reputation. I'm very proud of her for what she's accomplished. I've told her this time & time again. She always tells me I don't know anything about the PT field. I'm not knowledgeable enough to make those statements. What I didn't like was when she put the career over F time. We would finally get an open W/E, nothing planned. W would go and schedule a class
Our biggest problem, imo, is that he is a workaholic the way your wife is. It's selfish. Period. Fast food for the starving ego. Promotions and public accolades, titles, bonuses, etc.
It's not that she's a workaholic. It's a self-esteem issue. She feels that's the only place she can do right. That's where my faults came in to play. I was always second guessing @ home. Didn't mean to. Would ask a question about what or why. I was just curious. W took as critical of her abibilities. W won't accept promotion, doesn't want responsibility of mgmnt. Just wants to treat patients
ALL so much more rewarding than changing diapers and reading pre-school books....the thing about parenting, is that it's like putting a small deposit on a daily basis, into a "mother bank" and you don't see the compounding interest in this R/effort until years down the road when you see the closeness of the kids with you, and the men they become.
When W and I first met, she was in Grad school. One of the attractions. I new she was dedicated. I was a little surprised she was persistant about kids. After we married, she kept talking about it. She was the one that pushed the issue. Said how she wanted to be on PTA. Took a position, after S3 born so she could be home when S8 got out of school. Then all of sudden W was too busy to be on PTA and didn't know if she could make it home in time for S8. All of a sudden I'm being to critical when reminder her of these decisions.
I read that in a book called "The Heart of a Father", I think. She really is missing the big picture. She'll never be indispensable at work, but is irreplaceable in their young lives, and always will be.
OKAY, the other feeling is that I'm pissed at your wife. Although I can understand the resentment she'd feel, and how your cynicism would drag her down, etc., I cannot for the life of me, get what the hell she is doing to your kids. I hope you get them.
Unfortunately, state of MO heavily into co-parenting. They want you shipping the kids b/f every few days or a week and split holidays. Unless you can prove abuse, addiction or abandonment. Besides, this will fit right into her plans . When she doesn't have the kids she can do her own thing, no more full time responsibilities. Find herself.
I really do. She'll fob them off to the day care any chance she gets, to advance her career, "pursue new opportunities", etc. sky dive, etc. Her mantra about kids getting over it is a joke/bandaid for her. I heard someone say that "we (adults) have to find our bliss and discover our selves, and that kids are resilient and will move pass their pain..." Seems to me that is BACKWARDS, isn't it?
No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. None.
Wanna bet. W actually told me she resents me for becoming close w/ S8. I think that was one of the reasons she took to S3 so closely and paid less attention to S8. I really think she held it against S8, too. She says she didn't, but to this day she still treats S3 differently then she does S8
All you can do as a father is assure them of your love. My DB coach said not to say tge word divorce, unless you KNOW it's coming. "Time out" might be a better way to describe it in the meantime. Why "commit" to the divorce until it happens, and why take away ALL their hope? I agree with the others though, about not fooling them with fake hope b/c they'll never trust their perceptions about R's, and life, trust, etc. Too bad we can't get your DB coach and W's C together. W's C thinks that if W and I "take the high road" in this, it will help Ss w/ own R in the future. Yaaa!
DB coach said to tell d9 that no matter what happens, HER happiness was MY priority, MY goal was to do what would make HER happiest....this seemed to help her feel safer, minimize the upheaval in her life. Now, as we seem to be re-joining him far away, it is HER I most care about. Someone has to put the kids first. ALSO, put her crap out. Let her go find herself.
Meanwhile you'll be contrasting her negative images of her father/you/brothers/Men in general, with the new, better you. Ironically, SHE is leaving two young males and she is shaping who they will become and how they'll view women...it is OUR job as mothers, to raise good men...
I guess she missed that chapter in Dr. Spock's book.
Counter her negative images, some of which might be accurate but out of date, and others she is just using to justify herself, with POSITIVE images of a caring, strong man with an open mind and heart. A guy willing to improve himself, willing to step up to the plate, and a guy willing to forgive.
To reiterate one thing, for emphasis, No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction she sees with her kids and their dads. Heck, some women stay M just for that reason; the guy is a good dad.
If you've got any names and #'s let me know. I may be needing one of those soon
As for her need to leave her mark, you can encourage her to make a difference as long as she doesn't leave a mark/SCAR on your kids, charity begins at home, etc. (Okay, maybe you don't have to say those last comments)...just that you understand her admirable desire to impact lives but may ask how her dad felt about HIS own fathering while he was on his death bed. My father's workaholic tendencies haunted him on his deathbed, and changed me forever. I wish your wife had learned the same lesson I did. (hugs) j-
If you are going to tell them anything, perhaps you can tell them that mom and dad are not getting along, and you're going to have a time out ... don't have to mention D. Don't load too much onto their little shoulders, more than they can even understand. Be sure to tell them that they are not to blame, and that they are very much loved, and that they will always be safe and happy because they are the most important people to you. Dr. Phil says that sometimes kids think that things are their fault even when it's obvious to us that it's not ... not obvious to them, though.
I've always been an affectionate person ILY, hugs, snuggles, playtime, joking around w/ Ss. I've stepped it up even more. I would tell S8 and a regular basis that none of this was ever his fault. S8S3 did nothing what-so-ever to make this happen.
As resentful of your W as you may be (and justifiably so), try to keep interactions between the two of you as civil as possible. Detach, detach, detach. Try treating her like you would an acquaintance ... politely. For the sake of the kids. Believe me, they know more than you think they do, so try not to be sad around them, or say anything about their M. Children pick up on emotional stuff, so they must be reassured that they will be okay, no matter what.
I just feel so bad for your S8 - it's an age where they still are very much emotionally attached to their parents, and boys are particularly attached to their mothers, usually. Is he close to his grandma, where he can get some good motherly attention, and fussing over?
S8 was/is very attached to M. That's what hurt so bad when I would see pay more attention to S3 w/ S8 looking on. If anything about what all is going on, my comments to W and her reading some of my threads made her realize it. The last week she has made a strong effort to correct. Last summer S8 really back away from M. W kept blaming me and GP for turning S8 against her. I'm in a very fortunate situation. My parents live very close. My mother is a very doting GM. My sister doesn't live as close, but she is a good Aunt. Ss godparents are the F that are trying to help W and I. She adores Ss. They're taking Ss out next weekend for movie or fishing.
Don't worry over past mistakes ... it's done. Learn from it, and move on.
I just want to let you know my husband used to move downstairs a lot too. He did this for quite a few years. He even did it before his MLC and the affair. I used to see it as his way of trying to run away from problems and avoidance.
He also filed for divorce twice. After the first divorce filing (and reconciliation) I told him he couldn't move downstairs anymore. I actually took apart the guest bed downstairs and carried it upstairs into the bedroom (and I'm a little weakling of a woman!!!). That way he'd have to at least stay near me. I was determined to make things work and make him stay. I even promised to make it the "happiest year of our marriage ever" and try to make everything so perfect he'd never want to divorce me again....
Well... that didn't work. He met OW and filed for divorce again the following year and that's when I finally learned to let go of my marriage.....
So what's my point here?... sometimes the yo-yoing lasts much longer than we expect and unfortunately sometimes people have to lose a lot more to figure out where they want to be. Sadly, some never do. I think you've done, and are doing, your best. Just try to be there for the kids like you've been doing. They need you.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
