I 3rd the motion - set her straight. It's time to face the music!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Moving her things downstairs and having her "live" down there may force her to deal with the feelings of what it's like not "being part of the family." It's a symbolic separation. Like being an outsider. Especially if you and the kids are upstairs and she's downstairs.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
That is what I did last summer. I got tired of watching her act like everything was the same at it always was. She wanted to live at home, do everything as a family, be around the kids all the time, but wanted her space and independence and wanted D. I finally had enough and basically mader her tell the kids. Then, throughout the summer as she waffled back & forth it tore up S8. He'd see wanting to do everything like we always would. I have always take them S8/S3 to baseball games (MLB), always went as a family. When the S started, S8 would always ask if M could go too; or where ever we would go or do. We always got along great. The S8 would inevitably ask, "is M not wanting the D anymore? Are you guys getting back together?" I've been holding out hope W might still change her mind, again. I can't do that to Ss again. I don't want them to hope & hope and hope. Then see it come true, then have them crushed again.
But I am also tired of her hiding from the truth. The sad part, she really does believe everything will be ok for the kids. W's C has convinced her of this. She's read articles about kids being resilent and surviving D's.
I'd really like to know what the likelyhood is of W coming back a second time.? Or, since we've already danced this once is it pretty much done.
Don't know if you ever read my orginal thread, 11th Hour-Still Trying , but this is playing out very similar. I did morv her stuff out last time. One big heap, right in the middle of the floor. Tried to make her feel as much as an outsider as I could. She just kept saying, "the kids are resilent and they'll get over it." Her other favorite was, "a family is what you make of it."
A lot of Dr. Phil's advice I find very appropriate especially where M is concerned. Anyway, here is what he says about children when their parents are going through a D, and what their needs are:
"Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in crisis. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.
There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.
1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.
2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through."
Kids are resilient to a point, but I always wonder why they should have to be. D does have a long-lasting effect on them, and they are more likely to D themselves one day. It always boggles my mind when WAS's come up with this kind of defense where the children are concerned. IOW, they will do whatever they want, despite the cost to others, esp. the children. So frustrating!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
She's read articles about kids being resilent and surviving D's.
THAT is the single biggest crock of BS that ever crawled out of hell and it's no coincidence that it's also the first thing a woman contemplating divorce is told by friends, family AND therapists.
I have two totally opposite feelings. On one hand, I relate to your wife's career feelings about wanting to make a difference in the world, leave our mark, in addition to what we do as wives/mothers. I often feel like an accessory to H's career and he has certainly put it first in his life. Our biggest problem, imo, is that he is a workaholic the way your wife is. It's selfish. Period. Fast food for the starving ego. Promotions and public accolades, titles, bonuses, etc. ALL so much more rewarding than changing diapers and reading pre-school books....the thing about parenting, is that it's like putting a small deposit on a daily basis, into a "mother bank" and you don't see the compounding interest in this R/effort until years down the road when you see the closeness of the kids with you, and the men they become. I read that in a book called "The Heart of a Father", I think. She really is missing the big picture. She'll never be indispensable at work, but is irreplaceable in their young lives, and always will be.
OKAY, the other feeling is that I'm pissed at your wife. Although I can understand the resentment she'd feel, and how your cynicism would drag her down, etc., I cannot for the life of me, get what the hell she is doing to your kids. I hope you get them. I really do. She'll fob them off to the day care any chance she gets, to advance her career, "pursue new opportunities", etc. sky dive, etc. Her mantra about kids getting over it is a joke/bandaid for her. I heard someone say that "we (adults) have to find our bliss and discover our selves, and that kids are resilient and will move pass their pain..." Seems to me that is BACKWARDS, isn't it?
No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. None. All you can do as a father is assure them of your love. My DB coach said not to say tge word divorce, unless you KNOW it's coming. "Time out" might be a better way to describe it in the meantime. Why "commit" to the divorce until it happens, and why take away ALL their hope? I agree with the others though, about not fooling them with fake hope b/c they'll never trust their perceptions about R's, and life, trust, etc. DB coach said to tell d9 that no matter what happens, HER happiness was MY priority, MY goal was to do what would make HER happiest....this seemed to help her feel safer, minimize the upheaval in her life. Now, as we seem to be re-joining him far away, it is HER I most care about. Someone has to put the kids first. ALSO, put her crap out. Let her go find herself.
Meanwhile you'll be contrasting her negative images of her father/you/brothers/Men in general, with the new, better you. Ironically, SHE is leaving two young males and she is shaping who they will become and how they'll view women...it is OUR job as mothers, to raise good men...
Counter her negative images, some of which might be accurate but out of date, and others she is just using to justify herself, with POSITIVE images of a caring, strong man with an open mind and heart. A guy willing to improve himself, willing to step up to the plate, and a guy willing to forgive.
To reiterate one thing, for emphasis, No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction she sees with her kids and their dads. Heck, some women stay M just for that reason; the guy is a good dad.
As for her need to leave her mark, you can encourage her to make a difference as long as she doesn't leave a mark/SCAR on your kids, charity begins at home, etc. (Okay, maybe you don't have to say those last comments)...just that you understand her admirable desire to impact lives but may ask how her dad felt about HIS own fathering while he was on his death bed. My father's workaholic tendencies haunted him on his deathbed, and changed me forever. I wish your wife had learned the same lesson I did. (hugs) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do agree that the first place to make a difference in the world is with our kids. She's very selfish if she is choosing her career over her CHILDREN.
Does she still read here?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Or, since we've already danced this once is it pretty much done.
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