IT'S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow RGM,

I have two totally opposite feelings. On one hand, I relate to your wife's career feelings about wanting to make a difference in the world, leave our mark, in addition to what we do as wives/mothers. I often feel like an accessory to H's career and he has certainly put it first in his life. Our biggest problem, imo, is that he is a workaholic the way your wife is. It's selfish. Period. Fast food for the starving ego. Promotions and public accolades, titles, bonuses, etc. ALL so much more rewarding than changing diapers and reading pre-school books....the thing about parenting, is that it's like putting a small deposit on a daily basis, into a "mother bank" and you don't see the compounding interest in this R/effort until years down the road when you see the closeness of the kids with you, and the men they become. I read that in a book called "The Heart of a Father", I think. She really is missing the big picture. She'll never be indispensable at work, but is irreplaceable in their young lives, and always will be.

OKAY, the other feeling is that I'm pissed at your wife. Although I can understand the resentment she'd feel, and how your cynicism would drag her down, etc., I cannot for the life of me, get what the hell she is doing to your kids. I hope you get them. I really do. She'll fob them off to the day care any chance she gets, to advance her career, "pursue new opportunities", etc. sky dive, etc. Her mantra about kids getting over it is a joke/bandaid for her. I heard someone say that "we (adults) have to find our bliss and discover our selves, and that kids are resilient and will move pass their pain..." Seems to me that is BACKWARDS, isn't it?

No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction between her children and their father. None. All you can do as a father is assure them of your love. My DB coach said not to say tge word divorce, unless you KNOW it's coming. "Time out" might be a better way to describe it in the meantime. Why "commit" to the divorce until it happens, and why take away ALL their hope? I agree with the others though, about not fooling them with fake hope b/c they'll never trust their perceptions about R's, and life, trust, etc. DB coach said to tell d9 that no matter what happens, HER happiness was MY priority, MY goal was to do what would make HER happiest....this seemed to help her feel safer, minimize the upheaval in her life. Now, as we seem to be re-joining him far away, it is HER I most care about. Someone has to put the kids first. ALSO, put her crap out. Let her go find herself.

Meanwhile you'll be contrasting her negative images of her father/you/brothers/Men in general, with the new, better you. Ironically, SHE is leaving two young males and she is shaping who they will become and how they'll view women...it is OUR job as mothers, to raise good men...

Counter her negative images, some of which might be accurate but out of date, and others she is just using to justify herself, with POSITIVE images of a caring, strong man with an open mind and heart. A guy willing to improve himself, willing to step up to the plate, and a guy willing to forgive.

To reiterate one thing, for emphasis, No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction she sees with her kids and their dads. Heck, some women stay M just for that reason; the guy is a good dad.

As for her need to leave her mark, you can encourage her to make a difference as long as she doesn't leave a mark/SCAR on your kids, charity begins at home, etc. (Okay, maybe you don't have to say those last comments)...just that you understand her admirable desire to impact lives but may ask how her dad felt about HIS own fathering while he was on his death bed. My father's workaholic tendencies haunted him on his deathbed, and changed me forever. I wish your wife had learned the same lesson I did. (hugs)
j-