Actually I do not think that Heather's H or her family is the choice she feels at all.
I agree. But that is the very problem, isn’t it? Her H seems to feel that this is very much a problem. So what is she to do? Ignore it? I think her H is extremely insecure, know he f*cked up, has too much pride to admit it, knows that Heather’s family disapproves of his actions, and cannot bring himself to publicly admit it or apologize. So what is Heather of he going to do?
Should he step up to the plate and make this public apology? Should he tell her family what a schmuck he is? How do you think he will expect to be treated? Will Heather’s family welcome him with open arms, assure him they never thought ill of him , that all is ok, that they all love him and want him back in the family, or will they keep quiet or give the impression of “Yeah, you’re a schmuck all right, glad you finally see that. Now don’t do it again.”
With that second scenario, how is he to know where Heather will stand? As an insecure person, why would he put himself out there with such uncertainty? My guess is that he won’t. But if he knew for sure that Heather was on his side, and would stand by him regardless of what her family said, I think he would not feel so defensive and be more willing to tolerate her family, at least in small doses.
This has nothing to do with who or what is right. It only has to do with what it takes to move the marriage past a stuck point, from a realistic stand point of considering personal egos. Getting around the ego is that hardest part of negotiating a marriage, IMO.
I still cannot tell how close we are in opinion or not. The thing that confuses me is that I do not ever read what your opinion is about Heather's personal issue with the marriage.
I’ve stated in the past a lot of what I thought Heather needed to work on regarding her M. She has grown way past that, IMO, and is now on a new level. MY recent comments have less to do with her personal issues than with what it takes to move the marriage forward. On that basis, there are no “sides.” There is only the marriage.
It APPEARS to me when I read your post to Heather that what you are telling her is similar to someone telling you to just accept that there will be no sex in your marriage so get over it.
I don’t see where I ever said this. What I addressed was the stalemate in the M. I know Heather is frustrated. I know in many ways she is right in her position. But so what? Being right won’t convince her H to suddenly turn over a new leaf. In lots of ways the problem is that he is wrong, and he knows it, but he won’t admit to it. There is too much ego involved and too little work on self awareness and developing self confidence. So what is Heather to do?
So why do you appear to think that HEather's point about being in a marriage where she cannot express and have an opinion is not a HUGE problem for her? Why shouldn't her main goal be to a balanced marriage where BOTH of them are capable of having their needs met?
A balanced M is also where I would like to see them get to. I am in complete agreement with the objective. Now, how are they to get there?
