Everything is great! H didn't call today. I was on pins and needles until he came home--and he was whistling. He also gave me a great big hug. Just to be sure, I aksed him if he got my e-mails. He had a big smile on his face when he said that he did. I am so relieved that he loves the suprise idea. He's still happy!!!
I may not be able to get back on until Monday. I have a busy day tomorrow getting D ready for prom and whatever H has planned. I have to work Sunday afternoon.
just caught up. Okay, I agree with my earlier post that said, basically, stop the mind reading and I guess it is at both ends. Also, you have many many expectations and apparently you've had them for a long time. Do you see how this is structured for failure? The only way he can do it "right", is to follow your commands or guess correctly...Also, sorry but I think you do have a problem with being considered "Right" and that's why you don't let things go. Some day you will have to let go of the need to be "right", in exchange for being happy. Regardless, life is short and most of the fights are UNworthy of our limited time... Many couples on this bb have betrayed their spouses or been betrayed, but are trying hard to reconcile. Many of us have been the "victims" of deceit or selfishness beyond our comprehension. But some of us want to stay married to our spouses and are working on reconciliation. We have had to let go of really really being RIGHT to be mad or sad or hurt, etc. We have to forgive in order to let go of the bitchiness, snide remarks that eat away at our partners egos, hold back on affection or affirmation b/c we don't think they have "earned" it, and we have to lose the sense of entitlement that comes with being the "left behind spouse". We have to lose the anger, and start over with Love. You have to do the same thing and no offense, but your problems, if this is all there is, are very solvable, and this is good news.
In bed, ALL men are sensitive. A recent survey of married men/long term R men (not the drunk guys you meet in the bar scene) said that the MOST important thing in ML for them, was OUR expression of happiness and satisfaction. A big thing for these men was that their women SHOWED them their desire for the man, not just "consenting" or "giving in". Do you get what I'm saying? If anyone has to start showing romantic interest, seems to me that it's YOU. And though your h is not terribly imaginative with his signals, according to you, many people learn to find comfort in the familiarity. The "knowing" and the trust that comes with years of monogamy and giving each other pleasure. When you ml, you said he does not speak. Do you?
I think that when the time is right - at the special moment-the only thing you can say is something positive, especially IF IT IS SPECIFIC (eg. "I love EXACTLY what you are doing!", which can also be whispered, or "that is perfect/the best/the way I love it,", "That's the spot!", etc.").
Unless something actually hurts, I would not criticize/analyze anything in bed, nor would I "think" in bed, if you know what I mean. Only positives, but be specific so he understands what you do like, and can figure out later, the implication of what you don't like. He has told you, plainly, that the analysis is a turn off. Believe him.
I know it is difficult to talk about sex with a man at this stage. Their egos are more fragile in their 50's, as are other things...and we have to "get" that. But your signature about "thinking the spouse wanted a divorce," pretty much says you guys just mind read wayyyy tooo much. Can't you stop that and ask for, or Say, what you need/want? Compared to the issues other couples have on this bb, you are in good shape for a great future together, OR a divorce, or a mediocre marriage with unspoken and therefore UNMET expectations, with growing resentments and dwindling love, all b/c you were uncomfortable talking or listening? Just flippin' TALK and LISTEN and assume nothing. Let me repeat that, ASSUME NOTHING. You guys are not even that great at guessing anyhow... You THINK your H feels/believes something, or means something "else" and you push, indirectly, and then some more. The "indirect" approach appears at first glance, to be safer b/c you don't have to really be accountable for saying anything "wrong"....but it is Less safe. It leads to misunderstandings with huge ramifications, (as you now know) BUT it's fixable! If you need to go to a workshop on couples communication, that might help. I just see and hear you saying that you have bad communication habits and you want "something" to change.....but YOU do the same thing again.
You negatively mind read, and you "wait" for him to guess or KNOW what to do with you. You make him responsible for the romance and foreplay in the M. I didn't hear you doing anything differently, except some positions in bed, which felt like a turn off to him b/c it sounded like analysis/criticism. Gotta admit, I can see why. Plus, did you verbalize it? I mean, if you were "explaining" the new position, etc, that would definitely cause defensiveness. Also, do you see how unfair it is for you to make HIM responsible for romance? I mean, I hate to say this so harshly, but are you are a good lover? Have you let things get too familiar as well?
As you age, you both are going to have some issues come up for you in the sexual arena. Deal with everything you can deal with NOW, while all the plumbing works. Otherwise, your later years will suck big time. Better to talk now, when it all can turn out so well... one thing I have to pass on, fwiw. This habit people have, mostly men, but women too, of "conflict avoidance". It's really cowardly. And it does not work. When someone thinks they are avoiding conflict, they are, at BEST, delaying the inevitable and the problem rarely is better with time. Problems are not like fine wines, aging for the better. The problems fester. And OFTEN the conflict avoiders drag in and involve and hurt, other people. SO, the very thing that the conflict avoidant person FEARS MOST, is Exactly what they end up Causing...
Fix what you can, and accept what you can't change. He sounds like a good man who needs some positive reinforcement and an ego boost, etc. Do YOU feel attractive to him? If so, great. Are you attracted TO him? Tell him he's "still got it", etc. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What you say is true. I know I mind read to much. I worry too much about hurting his feelings. I am hoping that with the good feelings we are currently having, the communication will also improve. Maybe his feelings won't be hurt so easily. I wish he would stop the mind reading, too. He has told me that he doesn't think he knows what I am thinking; he knows what I am thinking. That is just ridiculous.
No, I don't talk in bed either. I did with other partners and at the beginning of this R. The combination of not wanting to wake the kids and his lack of talking, I became uncomfortable with talking or making much noise. Now I have to get past the mental block of hurting his feelings. Hopefully, that will happen tonight.
I know what you mean about fixing things now, while all the plumbing still works. That is why I am here. Also with our kids growing up and moving out, I want us to enjoy our freedom. We will miss having them around. But missing the kids won't hurt as much if we love being alone with each other.
I've got to get off here now and get D up. We need to go shopping for a clutch purse to go with her Prom dress.
Okay, after I had a rest after reading 25yrs post, I read your next one cj. Just joking j!!! She really is right, you know, and has given me some good advice over the years, oh wait I have only been here for about 8 mos!! It's like when you are on jury duty, and you sit and sit, and get to know the people around you really well in a very short time.
It's hard to talk about sex, and lately we have done so, and I have blushed down to the roots of my hair, but it is also kind of exciting also. I have become more exciting to him in bed, and he is really enjoying knowing that he doesn't have to wait for me to just give up or give in to him. Plus, he is getting things he has wanted for years, and I wouldn't do .
My H also thinks he knows what I am thinking, and has actually said that he knows me better than I know me. Now that IS ridiculous.
I agree with you that it won't hurt as much with the kids leaving one day, if you and your H are enjoying a second honeymoon phase.
Well, take lots of pictures of your little girl going off to her prom, and you and your H enjoy your evening, and make a little noise, hahaha!!
your signature about "thinking the spouse wanted a divorce,"
25, Sorry to correct you on this, but my sig say, "we have each asked the other." We have had some disagreements where we wer so disgusted with each other that we were almost ready to give up. Once or twice, he asked me. Other times I asked him. Sometimes it was in the heat of the argument. Sometimes it was after we had cooled off a bit. The last time was a year or two ago. We had cooled off some overnight. H still seemed very sullen. I asked H if he was done. "Do you want me to move out? Or are you thinking you want to move out? The kids get along better with you, but I am able to spend more time with them. If we seperate, that will mean we have to pay rent somewhere as well the payment on this house." I was saying all this in a calm, matter of fact voice. He stopped me and very quietly said, "I don't want to split up." He hugged me and said, "We'll work this out somehow." We haven't mentioned divorce or separation since.
H had some yard work to do. I helped him between Prom errands.
H left the house three different times buying plants, lava rock, etc. The final time that he left, he also came back with some flowers for me. I was upstairs when he came home. He had them in a vase already when I came down. He hasn't bought me flowers in several years. He probably quit because a made another stupid comment during C. I said that it was nice when he sent flowers, but I didn't feel that it was an apology. They were just a peace offering. We had been talking about admitting our mistakes, he thought I didn't care about the flowers. I tried to explain to him that I appreciated the peace offering. He insisted that I didn't apreciate anything.
Anyway, back to our nice night...Around, 4:00, H told me that we had dinner reservations at 5:30. After D got back from picking up BF and I took several pictures of them, I got ready for our night out. It was quite intriguing not knowing where we were going.
We went to a nice seafood restaurant called The Bristol Seafood Grill. We had never been there before. It was in an area of town in which we hadn't been to a restaurant. The restaurant had a domed ceiling that was a huge stained glass light. The rest of the decor was just as pretty. The food was great. Conversation was pleasant.
H only had one martini with dinner, but it must have been a little potent. H felt he needed to wait a little while before driving. We took a short walk to the Dick's Sporting Goods that was next door. I wouldn't call that very romantic, but there wasn't anywhere else to walk to without walking across a huge parking lot. I enjoy walking around looking at all the things they have anyway.
When we got home, we sat in our porch swing for a while chit chatting and watching the neighbor kids play. We stayed out there until my butt started hurting from the wooden slats. Then we came in to watch some TV. After a while, it seemed as though H didn't have anything else planned. I thought I'd bump things up a notch and went upstairs. I was going to put on something sexy, but he came up before I could change. We laid on the bed talking for a while. I could tell he wanted more but was unsure of himself. I knew that he needed some direction, so I tried. It was okay, but a bit awkward. I still couldn't bring myself to guide him verbally.
Afterwards, I told H that I didn't understand why I can't bring myself to verbally guide him. I hate that I just wind up confusing him. I suggested that I write down some things instead. He said that would be okay as long as I kept it uncomplicated. I told him that I would make a short list of some things he might be interested in trying.
I made my list and put it in his sock drawer where he can look it over when he is ready. I'm anxious to know if it will help.
VC, I looked for some sexy apparel on Amazon.com after you suggested it. I've never looked there for anything besides books before. I was curious what they had. Have you seen the silly pouches they have for men http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_a/102-...27s+sexy+funny?
just a thought. Your paragraph about how you cannot bring yourself to guide him verbally, etc. Well, doesn't this suggest that You have a problem totally aside from your H's? Just wondering... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know, this is a big problem that I need to overcome. I was also thinking about something I posted earlier. I said that I used to talk earlier in our M and with other partners. That is wrong. I used to be a lot noiser, but I have never used words during sex. Maybe as H and I get more comfortable with each other sexually, it will be easier to verbalize.
Hey cj, I loved the pouches!! I have to get the alligator for my H for vacation, since where we go has alligators.
Boy you can find anything on that site.
It sounds like you two had a very nice time, and I totally understand how awkward you feel verbalizing in bed. I just bit the bullet one time and was messing around with H, and asked him in a husky voice, now what would you like me to do? And he had just as much trouble actually telling me, so it isn't easy to do it. As long as your H understands that you have a hard time verbalizing, and thinks it's okay to write it down, I think it's positive for you. I am glad you didn't say anything to your H about the sporting goods store not being romantic.
I know how you feel about the flowers, because it is something my H has held against me for twenty-one yrs. He sent me flowers once, and the florist sent flowers that were beautiful, but they started drooping and falling the very next day, and I said something about it. I was mad at the dang florist, not my H, but he took it personally, and has never once since sent me flowers. He has brought me flowers, but that is the reason he says he will never again send me flowers. I did ask him if when I die will he send me flowers.
I was mad at the dang florist, not my H, but he took it personally
My DB coach told me that many men do that. If they pick a bad movie or the food is bad at a restaraunt, they feel it is thier fault for choosing wrong. She said her H feels that way.
I know I read about your vacation somewhere in your posts, but I don't remember where. When are you going? Are you going to some place in Florida?
I showed those pouches to my H. He said, "No way. If I wear that, I'll wind up in the hospital and they'll put me in the loony bin." Several years ago, he got very ill and had to go to the hospital. He happened to be wearing some sexy bikinis that night. The staff asked him if he was gay (I wasn't at the hospital with him at the time.). But they understood when he said I bought them for him. Now he refuses to wear anything sexy.
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