Light at the End?

[*KS*Chick*]

just wanted to comment here Sol.

Right now - you are vulnerable. You are hurt, angry and you might feel you've been dealt a low blow....to you as a person and your self esteem.

Your W might know you talked to om - she might not. However, if they truly DID have a PA, she has to have some guilt and be worried about what you might do KWIM?

Revenge sex or whatever.

For me, it seemed like after the A, women popped up a LOT more around H and I openly admit I worried.

Heck, there's a chick now who STILL gets under my skin - she just asked him to dinner, a drink or 'something' this week. He doesn't like her in that way, he doesn't want to be with her alone for any of the above. It still puts me on guard and I'd still love to pull all of her teeth out. human nature I suppose

Just be wary of everything right now - because the last thing you need - is to get tangled up in your own little A from being hurt by your W.

Sorry you're hurting right now buddy

[Yoyowife]

Sol,
I agree with UA. Take time and think things out before acting on anything. You are right that she will deny it and then more than likely you will lose your cool. That's what I did when my H kept denying it. He finally admitted it and even said we needed to work on us, he came home for close to a week, but then retreated back to his cave saying he needed space. In hindsight I would have done better working on detachment more and then confronted him when I was level-headed. This is so hard...I know. Just come to the boards to vent to us until you have figured out what you want to do. Take a deep breath and pray.

[~Sol]

I had a little heated discussion when she asked me about my emails. Now she wants to read them all, and I will let her if she persists, so she can see I am not "into" anyone. But she will read my private thoughts on what I feel about our M and what I think of, which won't be good for her to hear. She will think I am faulting her in everything because she will read my emails out of context.

I told her to check out the boards and see for herself the type of feedback I am reading about. But she won't be interested since she;s in her own little world. I don't have the desire or the energy to get into an A of my own - and I know I am vulnerable and have my emotions running. I just have to think about my daughter and all thoughts of chasing down another woman just erase from my mind and my daughter fills it up. I don't see how my W could do that to her own daughter or son, I guess she was just thinking about herself, huh?

I am trying to be more level-headed here. It's hard, but I see the pointless case in confronting her about anything at this time. I know I will lose my cool. I have been quiet about the PA that I found out, and know she will fiercely deny it, even say that she is offended by it. But who did what? I just don't want to waste my energy in fighting with her anymore. I am getting really tired from all of this.

But all I will do is come here to vent. A lot. And I appreciate everyone's advice. I still need it, and I request more feedback with this. My head still spins from the PA, but I have moments when I am calm.

[*KS*Chick*]

we're here Sol - vent away Hoping for the restoration of your marriage. I'm sorry you're hurting

[Astimegoeson]

Sol,

This place should be a refuge for you. I think it's a mistake to allow our WAS/MLC'ers to know about our activities on here.

You'll be even more controlled than you already are to let her invade your space and privacy.

[runningoutoftime]

Something you need to be aware of here Sol.... she's focusing on you and any possible "entanglements" (which I'm sure are purely platonic) to draw attention away from herself and her full-on affair. I know, my husband does this same thing. Don't let her shame you about any friendships and support you may have had. This was something you needed, are fully entitled to when your spouse is talking divorce and $crewing someone else... I know I've been there. I had both female and male friends (more local and in-person than on-line), nothing happened beyond exchanging of experiences, thoughts, support, a bit of friendship. I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and I doubt you've done anything that you should feel guilty about in any way....

But when a spouse has had an affair, what I've observed is they often twist things around to try and make you the "guilty one." (i.e., you didn't give me enough attention, you ignored me, well what about these women/men you've been talking to?...) try keep that in mind. I don't think they do this on purpose to hurt us, I think it's a defense mechanism and I think they do it in response to the fact they probably have a lot more guilt then they are displaying. In fact, I think it's the difficulty of dealing with that guilt that makes a spouse more likely to try and twist it around onto the other person.

So just be strong in yourself, who you are, what you are about. If you are sharing your emails and messages, is your wife doing the same with you? Is this a mutual opening up? I don't think I'd do it unless this was mutual and I'd probably insist it be done during marriage counseling so everything be explored with an uninvolved third party. In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't share anything with my spouse at this point. I think over time and through MC I'd do it. And I wouldn't let my spouse know the level of my relationships at the place where you currently are with your wife. Don't let her know anything about you right now!!! You both need distance from each other.

[runningoutoftime]

Actually, this is going to sound bad, but here's a secret. I think after everything my husband has done I'm entitled to this....

When my husband accuses me of having "secrets" or having had more "romance" during the separation/divorce than actually happened, I'll sometimes just smile a little wickedly (like I do have secrets) and say, "Oh, of course not. I'm an angel." In all honesty, over time, he knows everything and nothing ever really happened, but he happens to think there was more and what I've learned is...

Never put all your cards on the table. Even if nothing happened, don't let them know that! Hold onto those trump cards... or at least the appearance of holding trump cards!!!

[Aud31]

Hard to follow ROOT--good advice there.

Just wanted to chime in and let you know I'm sending positive vibes your way Sol. I know it's rough.

Are you going to the gym today? Don't let your pain overshadow your GAL--it's what will pull you through.

((hugs))

[~Sol]

Well, I just came back from the doctor's and I had a full STD check up, including testing for trichomona, and I got the same prescription my W has. I suspect my W wants to finally have sex, but I am still repulsed by her.

It wasn't a pleasant experience, not for guys. Ouch. But I am glad I had it done. Should have had it done earlier. Now, I don't know if my W had herself checked out since she has had a few doctors appts herself. If I bring it up, it means that I am accusing her of having sex with this guy, but I am not touching her until I know for sure if I have anything from her. I have been faithful to her all this time. Never had an affair. Many people in the military do, especially on ships all the time. It;s never on the news, but I have seen the court-martials posted everyday when I was serving. Lots of careers ruined because some chief or an officer couldn't keep their pants zipped.

I'm getting back to GAL, might as well keep working out, shaping my abs and trimming down. I only have the future to look forward to, right? Trying to make it a positive one!

[~Sol]

I got off the phone with my W about my doctor's appt. I told her I got the medicine for the same infection she has, but I went further. I told her I got tested for STD's via swab and blood sample. She asked me why. I wanted to tell her why, but I just said it was my choice. I am waiting for the results.

She seemed really nice on the phone and told me ILY when we hung up. I am trying not to lose my cool after I found out about her PA, and now I am getting tested. I hope she wises up and gets tested herself. I have a feeling that the PA will need to come out, either now or in a few months - if I can hold out that long. First - the test results.

I also have a feeling she wants for both of us to come "clean" about any kind of infections that she claims I may have given her just so she can have sex again. I don't feel like going there at this time, not now. But I am getting mixed up about her continued attempts at being "nice" to me, as if she found out from OM what he told me, now she's panicking? They still talk, after all.