I can't stand anymore

[HalfMissing]

I am such a confused mess. This weekend was really hard without the kids. I did another big no-no on Friday when H came to get the kids.

I had heard from MIL that the OOW had gone back to her H and 4 children several weeks ago. (Note that H and his OOW have only met once, supposedly never had a PA, and she lives in another state.) I decided to talk to H about things. He told me that the OW had gone back to her family from living with her mother. We also talked about his depression. He admitted that he was depressed and had many similarities to the case in the book I loaned him, but said that it was not a "major" depression. (I assume that this means you just ignore it if it's not "major".)I told him that I would like to be there to help him find out how to be happy.

He said he still does not know what problems he had with our marriage. I told him that I do not want a D and believe that we owe it to ourselves and the children to try to make things work. I said that if he doesn't know what made him unhappy with our marriage we should talk to a counselor to help find out, or the same problems would just occur again even in a new relationship. I told him that I would like to make attempts to work on our R whether it starts with more phone conversations, occasional dates with or without the kids, or some other steps. He just sat there and listened saying "It's something to think about." At one point he closed his eyes and just sat there looking so sad. I know everyone says to never bring up the R but I felt I had to let him know what options there were.

Is it possible that H is in depression but not MLC? He has not changed how he is living at all. There are no physical changes. He is not going out on the town and does not have any new friends. He is basically living as he did at home, he spends his time on the computer or at work (on the computer) and that's it. Pretend computer world is so much easier for him than reality.

I don't have a lot of hope that anything will change or he will ever come home. I feel like a fool for putting my heart out there.

My weight is continuing to plummet. (NOT good.) I am going to try to make some milkshakes with Boost to see if that helps. I am eating normally but my heart rate is up so I can't gain back the weight. The doctor ran tests a month ago and everything was fine, so it must just be the stress. I went on a bike ride around the neighborhood but have no endurance anymore.

I met my friend Barb yesterday to help her buy some supplies for a trip she is going on. She is adopting a baby from a foreign country and I am so happy for her about it. It was sad to go to Babies R Us and remember those happy days of my life when H and I were buying supplies before our D10 was born. They seem like yesterday. I could tell my friend was upset so we talked and she revealed that she is scared about her marriage. Her H has become so distant from her and they spend little time together anymore. I urged her to make her M the priority over her children when she gets back from her trip so she doesn't end up where I am. If you had asked me who had the two best marriages 6 months ago, I would have said me and my H and my friend and her H. What is wrong with this world!