How you doing today? All the folks that have so generously posted here are awesome, are they not? I hope you know that we all have yours (and your kids) best interest at heart.
I truly hope you take time to ponder all that has been given here. I know you think there is no hope for your M, and I have to say I'm not sure there is for mine. I understand, we all do. Let us know how you are.
Hi. I am ok. I had to stop posting and reading for a while, it was too painful.
I did not start a relationship other than friendship with this man and it really hurt that everyone seemed to be jumping on me for saying that if my H divorced me I would start a relationship at that time. That is what upset me so much and made me step back from this board.
My H has talked about divorce but I asked him to wait because I am not emotionally ready right now. He wants to use a mediator that he found and I am really worried about what to do about the equity in the home. We have discussed general divorce issues and we agree on all the basics like custody, holidays, child support, cars, etc. About the house, I cannot buy him out and worry that I couldn't refinance enough to pay him his share. He said he wants to have his part of the equity go towards the kids college but I don't know if a judge would allow this. I thought that I could set up a trust fund for the kids that I would pay into over the years and in return he would let me have the equity. H would agree to this but I don't know if a judge would allow this. (We are talking $100K.) Does anyone know what options there are for this?
Part of me thinks I should agree to do the mediation sooner rather than later because if he gets more serious with the OW she will try to get him to keep the money for her instead of giving it to the kids. If I do it now, he is still very accomodating. Supposedly, he has not been intimate with the OW but is still in touch with her. I think it is very possible she is scamming him for money and that is why she did not want to have their relationship get to that level.
I did have a R talk with H yesterday. He still cannot give any reasons as for what was wrong with the marriage. I told him that I believe the whole thing is related to his depression that he admits he has. H agreed to read part of The Depression Sourcebook that deals with major depression. I know everyone says not to ask them to read books and such but I had to do what I thought was best. He seemed receptive to the idea. I do not think that everyone's MLC had to be the same, so I felt it was worth a try. H is still nice to me but is obviously very confused when I talk to him. He has been having anxiety attacks and actually called 911 once thinking he was having a heart attack. They kept him overnight but found nothing of course.
I am doing ok. I am still having tremendous trouble being productive at work. The nicer weather seems to help because I can go outside. I can't wait to plant flowers in May. I go up and down with my mood. I am not really hopeful H will ever come out of this.
The kids are doing ok. S7 is acting some, fighting with D10. D10 is doing well. They see H this next weekend. I miss them so much when they are gone. Have to keep busy with chores. I might go on a bike ride at the park. I don't have any friends to go with and I am scared to go alone for safety reasons, but I might just do it anyway.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
I am such a confused mess. This weekend was really hard without the kids. I did another big no-no on Friday when H came to get the kids.
I had heard from MIL that the OOW had gone back to her H and 4 children several weeks ago. (Note that H and his OOW have only met once, supposedly never had a PA, and she lives in another state.) I decided to talk to H about things. He told me that the OW had gone back to her family from living with her mother. We also talked about his depression. He admitted that he was depressed and had many similarities to the case in the book I loaned him, but said that it was not a "major" depression. (I assume that this means you just ignore it if it's not "major".)I told him that I would like to be there to help him find out how to be happy.
He said he still does not know what problems he had with our marriage. I told him that I do not want a D and believe that we owe it to ourselves and the children to try to make things work. I said that if he doesn't know what made him unhappy with our marriage we should talk to a counselor to help find out, or the same problems would just occur again even in a new relationship. I told him that I would like to make attempts to work on our R whether it starts with more phone conversations, occasional dates with or without the kids, or some other steps. He just sat there and listened saying "It's something to think about." At one point he closed his eyes and just sat there looking so sad. I know everyone says to never bring up the R but I felt I had to let him know what options there were.
Is it possible that H is in depression but not MLC? He has not changed how he is living at all. There are no physical changes. He is not going out on the town and does not have any new friends. He is basically living as he did at home, he spends his time on the computer or at work (on the computer) and that's it. Pretend computer world is so much easier for him than reality.
I don't have a lot of hope that anything will change or he will ever come home. I feel like a fool for putting my heart out there.
My weight is continuing to plummet. (NOT good.) I am going to try to make some milkshakes with Boost to see if that helps. I am eating normally but my heart rate is up so I can't gain back the weight. The doctor ran tests a month ago and everything was fine, so it must just be the stress. I went on a bike ride around the neighborhood but have no endurance anymore.
I met my friend Barb yesterday to help her buy some supplies for a trip she is going on. She is adopting a baby from a foreign country and I am so happy for her about it. It was sad to go to Babies R Us and remember those happy days of my life when H and I were buying supplies before our D10 was born. They seem like yesterday. I could tell my friend was upset so we talked and she revealed that she is scared about her marriage. Her H has become so distant from her and they spend little time together anymore. I urged her to make her M the priority over her children when she gets back from her trip so she doesn't end up where I am. If you had asked me who had the two best marriages 6 months ago, I would have said me and my H and my friend and her H. What is wrong with this world!
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
