I left the job site around 3:30 or so to get home to get some bills in the mail today. Was feeling anxious and that I needed some kind of relief. Called a girlfriend on the way home to see if she wanted to go out. She was already with a friend, so I didn't ask. Called another girlfriend, and she was busy, too, but we ended up talking for probably an hour or so, so that was nice. It put me in a much better mood. And now I'm home and away from H, so it's like a cloud has lifted. I can't believe how much just being around him hurts me still... And it seems to be getting worse rather than better with time. I just feel so much distance between us and so much anger towards him and sadness and confusion, etc., etc. I can definitely feel a shift from being needy to being angry. I'm not saying I'm not still saying/doing things that are needy, but I can feel my insides shifting, if that makes sense???
So I decided I would go to a movie all by myself! I feel guilty for having H tell family I could not go because I was busy and then not doing something to get out, and I know it will do me good as well. And, although I know this would never happen, I would hate for H to come home for something and find me here. I'd rather be out "just in case."
I'm getting ready to leave for the movie but just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. I'm still not sure what to think/how to feel about what happened earlier today. I pray that he looks at it as me standing up for myself and that maybe he'll THINK about what I said about hoping it's not too late for me. I seriously feel the distance creeping up between us with each passing day, and I'm scared. And I also feel the anger increasing. I'm just tired of this. And then I see that some people have waited four years for this to work out??? Then that makes me feel like a loser... (sigh...)
I've been thinking about just "going dark" from him now to reinforce what I told him today and also to hopefully help me to get some more strength - reenacting Vegas to the best of my ability while I'm home. I know it wasn't good today that I hugged him after we talked and that afterwards when we saw each other I just acted fine... So I feel like if I got up the nerve to tell him how I'm feeling that I need to back up those words with actions as well. I truly am just sick of this.
Then I thought the better way to handle this would have been to just act HAPPY today, like I am getting on with my life, with or without him. But the part of me that is so angry right now and frustrated with this whole mess just took over, and I guess I decided to go to the side of standing up for myself and stating what has been on my mind, discussing some of the consequences on ME of HIS actions, etc.
Maybe it will make him think a bit more if I can muster up the strength now to go dark for a while completely? (to the best of my ability with the business and all) And I know it's possible that I completely blew it today and that he might be questioning his decision as well. I just honestly felt like it was time for me to stop being so dang nice and tell him how messed up this is!!!!
If you do not go dark and soon, you'll go down the drain and he won't go with you. You are still sounding needy, mixed with understandable (and a little healthy) anger. Go dark my God, GO DARK as much as possible. The anger can become all consuming and even though it is "right" and your H is "wrong", you don't want to make things worse in your LIFE, by being a bitter wife OR a bitter EX-wife. Either way, you have to move forward.
You "overlooked" all suggestions about leaving the business or delegating to someone else as much contact with him as possible, can't someone or an assistant pass info to him, or your comments in writing? I am serious. UNtil you get out of there, or he is struck by lightning, you have a permaent incurable problem. What you are hoping is that he wakes up, without YOU having to do anything differently. Long term, I cannot see that working. You might get the scraps like you got last week, or not, and you might' "Guilt" him back for a few yo yo touch and goes....but for a lasting renewed M, you have to end the M you have now, and work on yourself, so that you bring something to the table as a partner, not an accessory with needs. Ending the M you have now, means no more yo yo, no more cheating and no more chasing/calling/snooping /double checking --you know, I cannot see how any of those actions can possibly make you happy. Best case scenario, you find crap out, and then end things sooner....
Please re-read the posts you have gotten. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tam, less than a week ago, you reported that he had told you "the" thing (as far as I know the only thing he's told you that he'd like you to work on)
Quote:
I asked him if it was because of me or because of him that he wasn't ready. He said both of us. So I asked him if he could tell me what *I* could be working on. He said he didn't like what we were doing now (meaning having that conversation). I've obviously known this all along, that he doesn't like talking about the M/R right now and that it's anti-DBing to do so.
and yet almost the next time you saw him you went in for the jugular.
I'm completely at a loss with you for the first time. It's like you just ignore everything you don't want to deal with and by ignoring it you are making like it didn't happen or it isn't real?
It's like you don't have any self control. Can't you just 'keep yourself nice' until you get through this period of separation?
That stuff about him saying he was angry and you believing that it was about BNL and SNL. Are you serious? I don't believe you are that far in denial.
You called him several times during the night when there was the hot water emergency. You're a 30 something year old woman, you had help, why did you have to leave so many messages for him? You can't deal with one set of problems yourself? Don't defend it, I'm sure you have lots of reasons why you had to contact him, but I don't buy them. You had an excuse to call him, speak to him, check up on him - whatever. Just at least be honest with yourself about it.
I hope your anger is a result of you becoming realistic about the fact that you and your husband are separated and he has no desire whatsoever to tell you where he is or what he's doing. You want the marriage. He doesn't. That's the story. I'm sorry if that's brutal, but that's where you are at.
He can tell you he wants to 'work-on-us' until he's blue in the face, but I'm not buying it, and I don't think you are either.
If you don't get it together and present yourself as someone it's worth being with you will not save your marriage.
It's as simple, or as complicated, as that.
I'm sorry Tam. I know you want me to point out the positives, and I started drafting this post with a whole lot of stuff about how good it was that you didn't go to the family party - but I was being disingenuous, because my reading of it was that your H had no intention of inviting you - he doesn't see you guys as being together - and hence you not going (except as a stalker because BNL & SNL invited you separately - and maybe they did that because there's gossip in the family because he's dropped some hints or something)you weren't ever going to that party.
You can do this. I know you can. Dig deeper Tam. It's there, you just have to find it.
God Bless.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Just wanted to check in. Thanks for your thoughts and insights.
25, others have told me to stay in the business for now, including the DB coach, as it is something that is holding us together still and my "leverage." If there is some finality to this in that we don't work this out, H has expressed an interest in staying in business together, but at this point that is not what I want. At this point, I'm just going to work on only necessary communications on business with him. It's just the two of us in the business, so we don't have an assistant or anyone else to pass info between us.
Also, regarding the deal he made the offer on, he is the one in our business who does all of our marketing and meeting with sellers and striking up the deals. So he was not doing this new deal "on his own." This is the norm for what he always does. Once a deal is in place, I work on all of the details and paperwork and financing and whatnot. So this was the norm, other than he usually tells me more about what he has been looking at and how things are going. He hasn't been doing that, and that's admittedly been really hard. I miss talking with him about those things. I told him yesterday that I was feeling "disjointed" from him with the business and that that was hard...
BTW, I forgot to tell you that he did apologize on Friday for the other night when we had the "difficult" phone conversations. He said he was going to call me later to tell me more about the deal. I asked him what deal, and he said the property WE made the offer on last night. He said he was really tired the night before when we talked. I said "do ya think?" He said he was sorry. At least he recognized that he wasn't being very friendly to me...
Virginia, I did start reading MariS's threads. In fact, I've probably spent 3-4 hours working towards getting current with her situation. I'm in the first week of February now, I think, and am still reading.
Thank you for sending me those links. It's amazing how just by reading someone else's situation and actions that you are able to "see" things so much clearer. I found myself reading her posts and thinking "way to go" or "uh-oh" as appropriate. It's so much harder when you're the one in the middle of it all. I think that helped me for three reasons: one is that looking from the outside in I could see both the positive and negative things she has been doing and, two, it helps me to see that when you're on the inside of a situation, it IS very difficult to see and control all of your actions and emotions and, three, it's also hard for outsiders to understand/know all of the intricacies in one's M and life and that since no one knows our spouses and situations like us, every situation is unique and may require some fine-tuning of what we should be doing.
At any rate, it's been very helpful to read her thread and know both that she's doing great and making great progress (as of February at least) and also that I'm not the only one who backslides and loses it sometimes.
One thing that strongly stood out for me as I was reading her posts was that she was ML to her H when he was still with OW. NO ONE on her thread pointed out that that was not healthy for her either emotionally or physically... She did it many, many more times that I have done, and nobody said anything. Even SHE never said that it bothered her! I had a hard time with that one. Why didn't anyone, including it sounds like the DB coach, say anything about that? Is it because he was giving her more positive signs about their M than mine is/was? When I read that, I felt worried that I shouldn't have said anything to H about him coming home on occasion. Have I created an environment now that he won't feel "safe" coming home to???
Virginia, H's family does not know about our situation; I'm 10000% sure of that. You asked me not to defend the family dinner situation, so I won't, but suffice it to say that that is one of those things that I made a very difficult decision not to go and am very proud of myself and that I have not explained the details thoroughly enough for you to both understand that it had nothing to do with H not mentioning it to me and that it was understood by his family that we would BOTH be there. I feel good about what I did and at your request won't expand on that or defend it but will just say that you don't fully understand what happened or the relationship with him, me, and his family. What I did yesterday took courage and strength, and I feel really good about that.
I won't defend my calling him numerous times the other night about the problems at the job site either. Yes, it was nice to have something to call to check up on him about; I'll admit that. But it was necessary that he have all of the information that I left in the messages; it's as simple as that.
I do believe him when he says he wants to work on us. I know his actions are showing otherwise right now, but I do believe him. I choose to believe him for now until he tells me otherwise. Will I go on like this forever? Nope. But I'm not at the breaking point yet. Will keep working on me and figuring out all I am supposed to learn from this. Have to end this M, as you said, and begin a new me and a new M for him to come home to. Will keep fighting and will keep choosing to see the glass as half full that he DOES want our M; it helps me to keep a PMA going.
Last night I went to see the movie and had a nice time. Afterwards, though, I broke down in gut-wrenching tears on the drive home. It's the first time in weeks that I've gotten that upset. I found myself thinking about the loss I'm feeling and how ridiculous this whole thing is and how I just want some peace. I guess I let it get the best of me. Maybe it was good that I let it out.
Got home and read some more of MariS's posts for a couple of hours and was exhausted and went to sleep easily. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. Was able to sleep in this morning, too, which was nice.
Today is bitter sweet. I woke up this morning and put on my lounge clothes and was excited to do some housework and get a lot of paperwork done for the business. I was look forward to a productive day. I've gotten quite a bit done already. The hard part is that H is not racing today, and it's a beautiful day outside, so I'm fighting thoughts of thinking he is hanging out with her today. It's hard to block out the thoughts, and I'm doing my best. I just have to remember that this is but a comapratively short period in my life that I won't be with him and that the future has so much in store for us... Must hang on to those thoughts and relax.
Have decided not to go to the job site at all today and just spend the day at home working and getting caught up on some things around the house. I know if I go to the job site and H is not there, which I don't expect him to be, that it will poke me in the heart, and I just don't want to put myself through that. Need to avoid those situations to keep getting stronger. The weekends are really hard...
Am still planning on going dark this week. There are some business things we will have to discuss, but will work on either sending e-mails or recording phone messages to send to him without calling. I feel good about at least mentally coaching myself to do this but am really sad. That sense of loss inside me that I can't explain very well is still really strong. I just feel like each minute is hurting me more and pushing my heart farther away from him... Hard to explain.
Will continue to work on no R/M/OW talk and no pressure. I do feel good about standing up to him a little yesterday but know I also said/did some things I shouldn't have in conjuction with that.
V, GALing has not been so good. I need to get back at that again. Will keep you posted.
Well, I was a bit deflated after reading all of your posts today, so I think I will end this by focusing on the positives of both me and our situation to help lift my spirits and give me strength to get through this day:
Me 1.) I care about my H and my M and my commitment to both 2.) I've made a lot of signifant changes in my life to better myself and my situation with H 3.) I'm slowly getting stronger 4.) I'm a good person who cares about other people 5.) I have a passion for life 6.) I am honest 7.) I am hard-working 8.) I am well-respected among my friends, family, and business associates 9.) I'm very driven 10.) I'm pretty
M/R/H 1.) H has not filed for D or even talked about it 2.) H does not bring up fights with me or talk about R/M or how unhappy he is 3.) H says he wants to work on our M 4.) H came over twice last week and ML to me 5.) H hugged, kissed, and snuggled with me when we did ML, which is different than how it has been 6.) H is still talking about future business plans with US 7.) H has not moved his stuff out of our home 8.) H is still for the most part kind to me 9.) H was very nice to me at the business meeting we had last week 10.) H has agreed that we need to work on our communication skills when the time is right
P.S. -- I also noticed in MariS's situation that she has been snooping quite a bit as far as OW is concerned, and that, again, no one has really said anything to her about this?
I put a number "1" on today's date on my calendar. This is day 1 of "going dark" with H and no R/M/OW talk. Will work towards what 25 said, but will start with 1 day instead of one week and will build from there. Seeing something concrete on the calendar will help me to focus. Wish I was in Vegas again so that I was farther away from him. It's much easier that way...
all round sounds like you are moving forward in your life, regardless of H. You may want to develop a Plan B for a career switch. NOT saying your H won't want to stay M, but IF he does not, can you honestly imagine still working together? Isn't it possible that a part of him does not want to divide assets or work with someone else, and yet not want to be M to you? He may not feel that way at all, or he may but not know it, or he may but is not telling you yet and wants to take things incrementally...???Can't worry about all that, BUT you can start imagining what you might do with your life if you did something else. Maybe even if you DO stay M, you could work elsewhere. I think constantly being together is a hard thing to do in most M's. My job offer at the moment is at H's company. I have specifically told them I do NOT want to work at his location b/c of this, AND b/c other employees tend to gossip and or use one of us against the othter (as in, telling me that "H was abrupt with so and so in the operating room...." and or telling H while he is in the OR about how a trial I am in, as a lawyer not a defendant, is going and h needs to focus on HIS job, not mine, etc, Not H's fault or mine, but the nature of the beast). Also, it's a bit boring and weird to have the business in common, and not a lot else. Start to feel like business partners only, not lovers....food for thought, okay?
As for ml, what does your DB coach say? I did Not have ow to contend with and that makes a huge difference I'm sure. But at one point I chose to continue with ml b/c I felt that it was rare for a man to return to a woman he never had good sex with, and our chemistry was always a positive. DB coach supported this AS LONG AS I could handle it. Sometimes I felt unsure and it was hard to stay in the moment. I just had to contrast H's negative images or justifications, with warmth-physical and emotional, etc.
Good luck, and as long as you can do the DB coaching, do so, b/c it is specific and therefore easier to manage. Okay, one day at a time Tam...you can do this. Two steps forward and one step back, is still progress. BUT your H did tell you to your face that he does NOT like R conversations....by continuing to do them anyway, is a bit dishonest of you b/c you ask him as if you care what he'll say and you'll process it, but in reality, you'll keep pursuing no matter what he says... See how that could look to Him? hugs- j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OK - that's plenty of MariS - now read MotherMovingOn and consider the differences in approach. When you see the differences in their approaches, think about the types of feedback (or lack of feedback) they get from other posters.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
