Up early with the kids, lots of fun ahead in the form of..., yardwork.
Last night I called W around 11:30 my time, 12:30 in Michigan. She was out for drinks with her friends. I called because earlier when she called they were at her friends house and just hanging out, so I thought it was safe to call when I did. I assumed she was staying in at that point, so I would call to say goodnight and see if she had made arrangements for a flight.
This was definitely a test for me. In the past, one of our issues has been, when do we call it a night? I came home once at 4 AM. That started a war. After that we had a loose agreement that Midnight or so was a good time to wrap things up, avoid the closing time issues, still get a night out but it's not an all-nighter. So when I called her and she is just going out at midnight, that was a challenge to keep my cool. This wasn't something I could have a scripted response for as I truly thought they were staying in for the night after our earlier conversation. At first I thought, here we go again, I can't do it, but now that you want to, it's okay?
Fortunately, I was able to put on my game face, stay light, wish her a good night and ask her to let me know as soon as she can about her flight so I can arrange a sitter for Monday instead of Sunday if needed. I ended it on a positive note and that was that.
I was fuming a bit as I sat and thought about how she would be acting towards me at that moment if I was just getting started at midnight. Yet I kept reminding myself of the things Chuck and Jody said to me and the things I know to be true about her. Went upstairs and both of my youngest D's were asleep in our room. The plan was for them to fall asleep in there and then I would carry them to their beds when I was ready to sleep. My plan was to call W, say goodnight, take kids to bed and then pass out myself. I chose to leave the girls asleep in our room and lay there with them. Some of the most restful sleep I've had in a long time.
This morning at 7:30 W calls. She keeps forgetting that we are an hour behind. She apologized, I told her it's okay, I'm up to let the dog out. She talked a bit, even brushing her teeth while on the phone with me. I'm taking this as a positive. For someone who just a week ago didn't even want to talk to me, to call several times to simply chat, even to chat as she is getting ready in the AM, this is a very nice baby step. I did ask how her night went, she responded pretty well. I could tell she was somewhat guarded, as soon as I asked I knew it was dangerous ground. After her response, I said, "cool", and left it at that. In the past I would have asked more, looking for some sign of wrong-doing on her part, if not on her part then on the part of the people she was out with. Not pursuing this beyond a simple 'how was your night' was a new thing and I think I could almost feel her hold her breath, and then start to breath again when I left it alone.
Honestly, with all the work I've been doing on me, this was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Asking how the night went is something I do with my friends, as I'm sure lots of people do. Friend tells you they are planning on going to ______ Saturday. When you talk to them Sunday, you ask how they liked it or how it went. The difference is, with a friend I wouldn't begin the Inquisition.
Even my response to the unexpected turn of events, so to speak. In the past I would have been rattled, and pissed beyond belief. Taking this as another example of her doing whatever the heck she wants but freaking out on me if I were to do the same. Now it just doesn't occur to me. I'm aware enough to know how I WAS or had become, while still being who I AM now.
So we chatted a bit more, I asked her to let me know as soon as she can so I can arrange a sitter. She said, I thought you said it wouldn't be a problem that you would use a personal day, (I could 'feel' the breath holding/tension again, - is he going to give me a hard time about this type thing). I told her, of course I will do that, that's not the issue. I just need to plan for a sitter, tonight I have your mother watching the kids and getting them in bed while I pick you up from the airport, if you change your flight to Monday I might need to line something up if your flight is coming in at their bedtime. That way I can pick you up and we don't have to worry about the kids getting a good bedtime.
I could feel her exhale. I do feel terrible that she believes that I am always going to give her a hard time, almost as my default response. Something Chuck mentioned is that I will possibly have to deal with this for a long time. Avoiding any discussion and simply acting is the only answer. I can tell her all day that things are different, but until she sees it enough, she won't believe. Back to the two things WAW believe about us. That they know us and that we will never change. I have to challenge those 2 beliefs every chance I get.
