I left the job site around 3:30 or so to get home to get some bills in the mail today. Was feeling anxious and that I needed some kind of relief. Called a girlfriend on the way home to see if she wanted to go out. She was already with a friend, so I didn't ask. Called another girlfriend, and she was busy, too, but we ended up talking for probably an hour or so, so that was nice. It put me in a much better mood. And now I'm home and away from H, so it's like a cloud has lifted. I can't believe how much just being around him hurts me still... And it seems to be getting worse rather than better with time. I just feel so much distance between us and so much anger towards him and sadness and confusion, etc., etc. I can definitely feel a shift from being needy to being angry. I'm not saying I'm not still saying/doing things that are needy, but I can feel my insides shifting, if that makes sense???
So I decided I would go to a movie all by myself! I feel guilty for having H tell family I could not go because I was busy and then not doing something to get out, and I know it will do me good as well. And, although I know this would never happen, I would hate for H to come home for something and find me here. I'd rather be out "just in case."
I'm getting ready to leave for the movie but just wanted to check in and let you know how things are going. I'm still not sure what to think/how to feel about what happened earlier today. I pray that he looks at it as me standing up for myself and that maybe he'll THINK about what I said about hoping it's not too late for me. I seriously feel the distance creeping up between us with each passing day, and I'm scared. And I also feel the anger increasing. I'm just tired of this. And then I see that some people have waited four years for this to work out??? Then that makes me feel like a loser... (sigh...)
I've been thinking about just "going dark" from him now to reinforce what I told him today and also to hopefully help me to get some more strength - reenacting Vegas to the best of my ability while I'm home. I know it wasn't good today that I hugged him after we talked and that afterwards when we saw each other I just acted fine... So I feel like if I got up the nerve to tell him how I'm feeling that I need to back up those words with actions as well. I truly am just sick of this.
Then I thought the better way to handle this would have been to just act HAPPY today, like I am getting on with my life, with or without him. But the part of me that is so angry right now and frustrated with this whole mess just took over, and I guess I decided to go to the side of standing up for myself and stating what has been on my mind, discussing some of the consequences on ME of HIS actions, etc.
Maybe it will make him think a bit more if I can muster up the strength now to go dark for a while completely? (to the best of my ability with the business and all) And I know it's possible that I completely blew it today and that he might be questioning his decision as well. I just honestly felt like it was time for me to stop being so dang nice and tell him how messed up this is!!!!
