I'm in a hurry but wanted to post real quick to get some feedback...
I had a problem last night at our job site with a hot water tank. It was in the evening, and H told me he was going out to play poker last night. I tried to call him, but no answer. Left a voicemail. I called one of the construction guys, and he helped me through it. Then one of the other rooms started leaking water, so tried to call H again. No answer. Had the other construction guy help me over the phone with what to do. Left probably 3 or 4 messages for H as the night progressed and things kept going wrong. His phone rang but then went to voicemail every time I called him. My last call to him was probably around 9:30 or so.
So got everything taken care of the best I could but just found myself getting really, really angry. I wasn't angry that H was supposedly out playing poker, but I was angry that I was giving a pretty serious problem and couldn't reach him and he wasn't calling me back. And then I was just angry at the whole situation. What if there was an emergency with me or a family member? I guess it just brought all of the issues we are facing right now to a screeching halt in front of my eyes. I grew angrier and angrier as the night went on.
To top it all off, my brother-in-law let me know just yesterday that they were having a birthday party for him tonight. Supposedly he had told H about it but H didn't remember to tell me. At any rate, I told him I already had plans and didn't know if I was going to be able to make it, just so I could set the stage depending on what I decided to do. Brother-in-law kept asking me why H wasn't answering his phone, and it just turned the knife further in my heart. Then sister-in-law was really sad when she heard that H hadn't told me about the party, and I told her we had been really busy and were just "passing in the night" these days, as the knife takes another turn in my heart.
So I just had a really hard night.
H never did call me back last night. I had to be at the job site at 9 this morning, and he was there. I asked him if he had left his phone in the car, and he said yes at first, but then he said he had it with him but that the battery died. Well, I know for a fact that the phone rang every single time I called him, and it goes straight to voicemail if the battery is dead... Then he said that it was on vibrate and he didn't check it until their first "break" and that he started listening to my first message when his phone died and that my first message was from earlier about something totally unrelated to the apartments. I don't remember leaving any messages earlier for him, but whatever. He also said that he was downtown, which is not where he told me he was going. When I asked him about it, he looked told me that some people wanted to have it at a different place so it was closer or something like that. When he was telling me this, he looked away from me, and I felt like he was lying. Inside I'm wondering whether he was with OW all night. I obviously have some very serious trust issues with him, and that scares me. How can I ever trust him again? He has had such a bad time with lying to me in the past. It's just too easy for him. I hate that.
Anyway, I let it go for then. And I asked him about the party tonight. He said he was planning on going and that BNL had not told him about it until late afternoon yesterday, which didn't surprise me. I told him that I wasn't going, and he said okay. I told him that I already have plans. So I told him I would call and let SNL know. But then instead I asked H to call, so he did. So, I made a good move of declining family dinner tonight, which was incredibly hard because everyone is going to be there, and then I made H make the call to let them know.
Well, I went about my business for a while and just kept feeling the anger raging inside me.
So I went and talked to him again. I hope I didn't just screw everything up, but I just exploded. I wasn't yelling or anything like that, but I just voiced my frustrations. I told him I was upset that I was having a really difficult time at the job site with these problems and couuldn't reach him and that he never called me at all (not even this morning). He said he didn't get my message until 3:30 this morning. I told him he still could have called, and I wasn't sleeping well anyway. I then went into what if there was an emergency, I got in a car accident or something or something happened to our parents, etc. I told him that just like he had said to me before, I guess the reality of this situation kind of came to a head for me last night. As you know, I was already feeling some angry emotions the past several days, and the events of last night just brought everything to the surface.
I told him that BNL had asked me why H wasn't answering his phone and that it was awkward and that SNL was upset because H hadn't told me about the dinner plans and that it was just really hard to act as if everything is fine with everyone.
I then really got into it... I asked him if he still wanted to work things out with me, and he said yes. I told him that it was getting really hard for me, that I wanted to stay married and work on our M and be a good wife but that with each day he told me he wants to be with me but stays with her it just is turning the knife in my heart and that I don't want it to be too late for ME when he comes home. He said he understood. I told him that, like he said, life is short, and I don't want to live my life like this, that I want to be happy.
Anyway, I don't remember what else I said, but just some more things along those line. I was careful not to give him any ultimatums, and I specifically told him that I didn't want him to come home before he was ready because I knew that wouldn't work, and he said he appreciated that. I told him I wasn't trying to pressure him into doing anything he isn't ready to do but that I am just getting really frustrated myself.
I asked him if he had anything to say about what I had just said, and he said no, that he was too angry. He was mad at BNL and SNL for acting like BNL had told H about party much earlier in the week and also that he feels they are both selfish and that it's always about them and that they've missed H's parties for his birthday on numerous occasions. So when he said he was too angry, I asked him if he was angry at me or BNL/SNL. He kind of mumbled, but I think he said BNL/SNL. Then he said he was going to call them and tell him he couldn't go. Then I felt bad and told him I certainly didn't want him to not go because of me.
Anyway, I had to leave for an appointment, so I think we said a few more things, and I asked him again if he was absolutely sure that he still wanted to work on our M, and he said yes. Ugh.... So I just gave him a hug and left.
We've seen each other a few more times today and have acted like nothing was said/happened. I can tell there is a bit of tension, but nothing major.
So, what do you think? Did I royally screw up? I just felt like I had to take a stand for myself. I know it was probably pressuring him, but I just hate living in this world where no one knows what is going on and I choose to "pretend" since there has been no finality to this whole thing. I'm just tired of it. And last night just brought all of those angry feelings to the surface, I guess.
H seemed a little mad maybe. But it was hard to tell. He seemed more mad at BNL and SNL than anything, when they certainly arent' the ones to blame for US....
At least I backed out of going tonight with the family. As much as that hurts me, I feel good about doing that. I kind of wish he was going though so that he would have to have a little pressure from them about last night from BNL and not telling me about party from SNL and just me not being there in general. Consequences of his actions, right??? I also felt good about asking H to make the call that I was not going instead of me making the call.
So, I'm not sure how to feel or what to think now. I felt really relieved right after I told him, like I had gotten a lot off of my chest. But now it's been several hours, and I'm feeling anxious and lost now.
I can't explain it very well, but I just have this horrible, horrible feeling inside - like that things are over between us. But then I make myself remember that even after everything I said today he still said he wanted to work on us. I would think after telling him that I was in pain that he would have said if he didn't want to work it out anymore, but I don't know.
So I go from my heart fluttering one minute remembering his words and hoping this will work out to the next minute that lost feeling inside that I can't describe very well. Then I get angry again that I am going through this hell. I feel like an idiot for just sitting here while my H is sleeping with OW.
Sorry for venting. Just needed to get this out. HELP!!!!!!
