OTB, That is exactly what the accountant said as I was leaving. Set it up, tell her what's up and after that, too bad.
Heywyre, She was severely sexually abused as a child, earliest memory is that stuff. Not sure how long it went on but its a mess, basically every kid in the family was abused by this grandparent. He is a monster. As a kid she attempted suicide, was a cutter and to some extent during the last couple of years that we have been going through all the stuff with our R, she really struggled with those issues again. Somewhere in there she told me she doesn't think she is attracted to men, after 4 kids and 18 years of marriage. Great. Because of the way we believe and she was raised, she doesn't believe this is something she can pursue. She has said numerous times that she knows full well she will probably have to live her life alone if we D. DB coach Chuck was aware of the group Exodus International we've been in contact with. Chuck, this group, lots of people associated with the group and I, believe that W can stay in our marriage and our R can be whole, if I do my part in DB'ing and building trust, making a safe place for her here with me. She and this friend both swear there is nothing going on. From what I have read and people I have talked to about this, it is important for her to have same sex friends, to be able to bond with them in a non-sexual manner.
I should say, because of her beliefs she has never pursued a same sex relationship and doesn't pursue anything that would put her in that position. She swears that never in her life has she gone there. Due to statements like that DB Coach Chuck felt that if I can DB properly, she will likely stay. She's almost 40, has made it this far, and it would seem that if things were better with us, she would rather continue in our R, than rip everything apart. This based on her saying that she just wants peace, at this point she doesn't believe she can have that with me, she believes she would have to be alone to obtain this peace.
Our most heated fights have been about this friend thing. She swears there is nothing there. She said at one point, "I'm not a cheater, when are you going to see that?" She sees any question about this as more of me doubting her, being suspicious, and thinking the worst of her. After talking to Jody and Chuck I now understand that given her background, questioning her like that for years just piled on to the internal feeling of being damaged goods that she was carrying due to the abuse. She has worked hard to be a 'righteous' person. As Jody said, "sounds like she is a good girl", so what am I worried about? Nothing now, but for a time I wigged out and questioned everything, thought she was up to something, always expected to catch her fooling around or something. Like I said, I wigged out, but it did a lot of damage. At this point I can see that the friendship isn't the problem, so to speak. Our real problems caused her to turn to this friend. I do see this friendship as taking away from her motivation to fix us, why should she? The emotional intimacy and safety she needs is being met there, so why open up to me again?
So that is the state of the union, or lack there of.
