I've been going through a weird mind bender the last few days. I've been really pissed. I was thinking about things and started to get pissed.
The thing that set me off was a picture a friend sent me of my buddy and myself a couple of years ago. It instantly took me back to that time, my eyes are almost pure red, I look exhausted, in the pic I'm smiling but seeing the picture I "felt" again the way I felt during that time..., exhausted, bone tired. It was taken in the middle of a 3 week period where I was getting by on about 1-2 hours sleep a day or sometimes every other day. Flash forward to now and my present mental state of the last few days.
Let me see if I can paint the mental picture for you guys. She is a stay at home mom. I think that is great and have worked hard to accomodate this situation. I have done things like go 2 or 3 days with little or no sleep so I could work as much as possible, teaching, working my shift and then picking up overtime. I've done this for years. Never once complained, never even crossed my mind. Her biggest, most stressful decision of the day after getting the kids out the door is, do I tan first or workout first? Then there is the uber stress imposed by deciding who and where to meet for lunch. The stress doesn't end there, because she has to be back home by a certain time in the afternoon to make sure she is there when the kids get home from school. God, the pressure cooker she lives in!
God forbid she should stay awake until I get home every now and then to ask how my day went or spend time with me. Screw that. She will be on the phone with her friend when I walk in the door, by the time I get cleaned up and ready for bed, she is "asleep". Must be that intense schedule, takes it out of you. And no, you can't ask her about the emotional affair issue, it's not like that, it's just a really good friend and just because she talks to her for 3-4 hours a day on the phone, asap after waking, numerous calls, texts and e-mails throughout the day and then right before falling asleep, doesn't mean anything or that it's taking anything from us. Then she has the gall to tell me how she "needs" her Friday and Saturday nights out with her friend. She also needs to be able to go out of town when her friend has a business trip, "all" we have to pay for is the ticket, as the hotel and stuff will be covered by her friends business. Oh, and she needs to be able to hang out with her friend as much as possible, Wednesday and Thursday night after church and practice, since she is out there so why not? So let's see, that's what, 4-5 nights a week, plus hours on the phone, texting or e-mailing. Yup. Nothing there could possibly be taking away from our R.
Spend time with me? Plan a night out with me? Sorry, can't do it. Her life is just so hellacious because of me that she can't spend any time with me. But would I mind picking up the tab for all this time with others? Since she really "needs" it?
I'm so fed up with it I could spit. Actually, I could walk away and never look back. I met with my accountant Monday morning, there are some tax things I have to resolve. She was going through my statements and shaking her head. I asked what the issue was and she said, "W really has no problem spending as fast as it comes in, W sends it out.., lets see, nails, tanning, clothes, jewelry, nails again.., if this was a business I would advise you to cut it loose before it sinks you, oh well, it's been that way for years, you allow it". Accountant kept working and didn't say anything else, she didn't need to. Ever since I've been thinking.
What if I was equally yoked? Meaning, what if I was with someone that hustled the way I do? Even better, what if I was with someone that really appreciated the effort I put in to taking care of them and making a life for them?
After I left the accountants office Monday, I was really glad W is in Michigan. I was so pissed off I could hardly drive. Tell me how bad your life is? Cry me a river. All the pressure and stress you're under? Give me a break. Fortunately summer is coming so some of the pressure will be off..., oh wait, then there is the pressure of spending all day at the pool, not lifting a finger to clean anything around the house and bitching at me because the yard isn't maintained. Again, God forbid that it would cross your mind to help me out there, since I'm working my ass off.
This morning she calls to say good morning and ask about extending her stay in Michigan if she can get the airline to cooperate. I was in the middle of getting D9 out the door to practice so I guess I didn't sound overjoyed enough for her so immediately the wall goes up, what crap. I'm in the middle of getting kids out the door, she is going out to lunch with her friends up there and asking me if she can extend her stay, "it will probably only cost around $75.00 to change the ticket". Oh, is that all, well, with all the stress you're under living this hellacious life with me, King Ogre, of course it's no problem. Let me do the 'spending-cash-we-don't-have-right-now-so-you-can-get-what-you-need' happy dance so you won't be made to feel any pressure, or bad in anyway by me.
