Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

I read Corri's, Cobra's and Nops posts last night and decided right away that it was great advice. So, I called H and told him that I'd been thinking more about it and I pretty much said verbatim what Corri suggested-that if we're gonna be together forever, then we need to face problems together and that I think we should go to Las Vegas and have a good time and if H feels we argue more when my family is around, let's go prove it wrong. H focused for a moment on the fact that I said 'IF' we are going to be together forever, although he kind of laughed and didn't dwell on it. Then the focus shifted to how hard it is for him to think about going out of town and being away from the kids when he's already out of town. I don't know, I've never travelled much, but for those who have perhaps you can sympathize with my H a little more than I can. To me, it sounds like deflection. But to someone who somewhat regularly has to go out of town for weeks at a time, maybe it truly is difficult to think about scheduling voluntary trips away from home and kids. I don't know.

Cobra, my family would never say anything bad about H to me or in front of H. The most they have ever done is sympathized with my plight and have tried to ask questions 'Heather, how much longer are you going to put up with this?' or 'I just don't see where he's ever going to change his ways' or 'He sees the fault in everything you do but refuses to see the fault in his own ways'. In times of huge frustration, but mostly in my defense, my sister will say he's immature or that I could do so much better. They don't say that because they don't like him-they say that because of his behavior, which they have all witnessed first hand, not just through my accounts.
Many of those things are things that you've all asked me here. Would you say you want me to leave my H? My guess is that none of you straight out think that. To question and disagree with someone's behavior doesn't mean you're forever writing them off as a schmuck. My feelings are that H is insecure, he knows he's shown his butt to my family on more than one occasion, but for some reason wants to blame them.

Fearless, no, I don't think we argue more when my family is around. There are more schedules and agendas to juggle though and H seems to feel like my sister runs the show when she is around. In my opinion, so what, it's not like we are anal planners or anything where we have all these ideas of things to do and then my family comes along and has to have everything their way. If they suggest going somewhere and we go, H feels like he didn't have a say in the matter.
Also, last time my sister was here, it was like he was anticipating the worst. He picked a fight with me two days before her arrival by telling me I treat my son like crap, that I favor my daughter, etc. Then while she was here he wouldn't really speak to me, wouldn't go out to dinner with us as we had planned (we'd even arranged in advance for his family to watch the kids so that we could go to dinner). He wouldn't address me, would barely answer my questions, etc. It made my sister very uncomfortable and she couldn't wait to go home. She kept telling me she didn't understand how I could live that way and that there was so much tension she could barely stand it. He was a total jerk and I have yet, honest to god, see anything that I did to bring it on even though he claims I did.
So, no, I don't agree that we argue more when my family is around. I think H acts like a jerk when my family is around and then he sees how people react to that and takes it personally as though he's done everything in his power to make everyone feel welcome and they just don't appreciate it.
My family does not hold grudges and has said all along that if I told them H was treating me right then they would forgive and forget. Because H has never really owned up to his poor behavior and given me a true apology for a lot of that crap, it's difficult for them to feel the same way about them that they used to. But even still, they definitely don't want to see our family torn apart.