Light at the End?

[~Sol]

I am not sure I want to continue in this marriage with her if she keeps in all these lies about her affair. I know it happened already, but she is this "new person" - someone transformed by OM's influence. I hate her music - its not her, I hate the fact that she's getting her body marked and pierced - like a teenager. She's pretending to be someone she's not.

I know the old M is dead, but how can I build a new one without clearing up the old issues? I can't accept a lying wife - she had her "fun" and got away with it.

I'm just really messed up right now - and I am not really sure what to do.

[~Sol]

I am concerned about SIL. She has a sexual predator that wants to "hook up" with her. I told SIL what jerk face told me, it's just a sick situation my W created. She had sex with this guy, and now she introduces him to her own sister? Messed up. really messed up.

My family will probably be divided, no thanks to our M deteriorating and my W having sex with another man when I knew nothing about it. My W still has this crazy idea of us getting divorced, but me still living in the house and paying the bills so I can see my daughter every day. F*cking screwed up logic in her head I think.

I'm also still upset over this - enraged is more like it. And hurt at the same time.

[lovelyolive]

Hi Sol,
So sorry that you feel so horribly. Of course, you will have to talk to your W about the PA. And, of course you are upset and feel horribly. Just practice in your head what you want to say and how you are going to approach her. Even how you are going to respond when she gets mad at you - 'cause you know she will..

Take care of yourself Sol..

[~Sol]

I know Olive. I am just processing this new information (or confirmation) and it just pisses me off to know this right now.

I also see how far I've come and the progress we made, if you can call it that. But I am ready to leave her if I see this doesn't get resolved.

[ford]

holy hell sol

it got all Jerry springer over there.

try to step back at look at what is going on. detaching will help in you not getting sucked into their drama.

I know this new info is a kick in the berrys, but you kinda knew, so use it for detaching fuel.

take care of you, let the dust settle and see what is what.

make any sense?

[~Sol]

I know ford, I'm just in shock to know that it was a full-fledged affair and that she wanted to leave because she thought we "were through" - but during that time her head was messed from being involved with someone else. This whole thing stinks, and it sucks to know the truth.

I haven't told my W about this since I know she will deny it and so will he - so what's the point in letting the cat outta the bag? But because she did this, and I don't see any remorse on her part, I am not sure I want to continue in this M. I'm starting to detach, calming down a bit, and seeing this for what it is. I just ask myself - how can I prevent this from happening again? I think I know the answer - either by having a solid M, or divorce, right? I think those are my 2 choices since I will not just "let this go"....it will happen again - that's my fear.

[ford]

I hear ya.

my wife left under the theme of "taking a break" finding myself"
she assured me there was no one else, but I had the nawing feeling . I just played a mental game with myself, denying what I was pretty sure about. then when I found out, i remember that kick in the berrys feeling.

it's bad enough they did it, but hey, stuff happens, but when they season it with hateful actions , then, thats a different enchilada.

I have more I want to type to you, but I gotta head out for a bit, I'll get back this afternoon.

take care

[*KS*Chick*]

Sol - you need to be still. This is all fresh for you right now. You're entitled to the anger but from experience, in a couple of months you will get the anger in check and you can really process this to see if it's something you truly want to save, not just reacting in anger KWIM?

[ford]

I haven't told my W about this since I know she will deny it and so will he - so what's the point in letting the cat outta the bag? But because she did this, and I don't see any remorse on her part, I am not sure I want to continue in this M. I'm starting to detach, calming down a bit, and seeing this for what it is. I just ask myself - how can I prevent this from happening again? I think I know the answer - either by having a solid M, or divorce, right? I think those are my 2 choices since I will not just "let this go"....it will happen again - that's my fear.

this is how I see it, sol.

I'm zero tolerance in the lie department. so you can let her know that you know and not debate it, let her deny, but all you're doing is being honest. who cares if she denies, at least one of you is being honest.

as far as being worried about her doing it again, thats a judgement call. if she denies and keeps treating you like crap, chances are probably good for a repeat performance. if she is contrite, say, like UA is, well then it's something that can be worked through.

know what I mean?

UA, sorry I dropped your name here, but you're a perfect example of someone who slipped up and deserves another chance.

this is all of my 7 cents worth of wisdom.

[~Sol]

Ford - she denies, but I know. Right now, she is treating me pretty good, until she saw an email from someone from the boards - a female - and my W questioned me about it. I had stuff that I wrote about that I hadn't confronted my W on yet, in addition to how I feel - all personal feelings I am processing but feelings and issues we both went over in painful arguments in the past. All about her affair, and about "my faults".

So now she thinks any female that emails me, or even being on these boards, is suspicious activity on my part. She can't comprehend that a lot of us here are here for the same reason - to see if we can save our M! But I am still learning a lot about my W and about myself by sticking with it, and even though I mess up, I try to see the fog clear after I calm down.

So, will she do this again? I don't know, but she denies and denies anything happened, and I am still messed up over it.

This is what we did yesterday. She wanted to have sushi, so I went out and got it for us. We watched a movie, and this morning we started putting up the new shed in the back and replacing the old wall mounted microwave with a new one she bought. All the while, since Friday, I have this knowledge of them having a PA. But we went down this road before. Maybe the OM warned her what he told me? It's weird because my W is playing games with me - like she already knows I know and doesn't even confront me about having contact with Om - it's like she doesn't care that I found out or wants me to confront her about it. I won't because they will both deny. And here she is acting happy and making a happy home.

I need to do what UA said and let this knowledge about their PA process for 2 months. The biggest issue we both have is trust right now. But I am the one that is cautious about her, since she went all out with another man. She won't talk about that, and so she dropped it.

I have a feeling she will keep at me about my female friends that I email to, but it's like she thinks I am not supposed to have any female friends at all....she will ask "who's this, and who's that?" She's driving me crazy!