flirting with each other/lack of sexpertise

[25yearsmlc]

Hi cjhoffy,

just caught up. Okay, I agree with my earlier post that said, basically, stop the mind reading and I guess it is at both ends. Also, you have many many expectations and apparently you've had them for a long time. Do you see how this is structured for failure? The only way he can do it "right", is to follow your commands or guess correctly...Also, sorry but I think you do have a problem with being considered "Right" and that's why you don't let things go. Some day you will have to let go of the need to be "right", in exchange for being happy. Regardless, life is short and most of the fights are UNworthy of our limited time... Many couples on this bb have betrayed their spouses or been betrayed, but are trying hard to reconcile. Many of us have been the "victims" of deceit or selfishness beyond our comprehension. But some of us want to stay married to our spouses and are working on reconciliation. We have had to let go of really really being RIGHT to be mad or sad or hurt, etc. We have to forgive in order to let go of the bitchiness, snide remarks that eat away at our partners egos, hold back on affection or affirmation b/c we don't think they have "earned" it, and we have to lose the sense of entitlement that comes with being the "left behind spouse". We have to lose the anger, and start over with Love. You have to do the same thing and no offense, but your problems, if this is all there is, are very solvable, and this is good news.

In bed, ALL men are sensitive. A recent survey of married men/long term R men (not the drunk guys you meet in the bar scene) said that the MOST important thing in ML for them, was OUR expression of happiness and satisfaction. A big thing for these men was that their women SHOWED them their desire for the man, not just "consenting" or "giving in". Do you get what I'm saying? If anyone has to start showing romantic interest, seems to me that it's YOU. And though your h is not terribly imaginative with his signals, according to you, many people learn to find comfort in the familiarity. The "knowing" and the trust that comes with years of monogamy and giving each other pleasure. When you ml, you said he does not speak. Do you?

I think that when the time is right - at the special moment-the only thing you can say is something positive, especially IF IT IS SPECIFIC (eg. "I love EXACTLY what you are doing!", which can also be whispered, or "that is perfect/the best/the way I love it,", "That's the spot!", etc.").

Unless something actually hurts, I would not criticize/analyze anything in bed, nor would I "think" in bed, if you know what I mean. Only positives, but be specific so he understands what you do like, and can figure out later, the implication of what you don't like. He has told you, plainly, that the analysis is a turn off. Believe him.

I know it is difficult to talk about sex with a man at this stage. Their egos are more fragile in their 50's, as are other things...and we have to "get" that. But your signature about "thinking the spouse wanted a divorce," pretty much says you guys just mind read wayyyy tooo much. Can't you stop that and ask for, or Say, what you need/want? Compared to the issues other couples have on this bb, you are in good shape for a great future together, OR a divorce, or a mediocre marriage with unspoken and therefore UNMET expectations, with growing resentments and dwindling love, all b/c you were uncomfortable talking or listening? Just flippin' TALK and LISTEN and assume nothing. Let me repeat that, ASSUME NOTHING. You guys are not even that great at guessing anyhow... You THINK your H feels/believes something, or means something "else" and you push, indirectly, and then some more. The "indirect" approach appears at first glance, to be safer b/c you don't have to really be accountable for saying anything "wrong"....but it is Less safe. It leads to misunderstandings with huge ramifications, (as you now know) BUT it's fixable! If you need to go to a workshop on couples communication, that might help. I just see and hear you saying that you have bad communication habits and you want "something" to change.....but YOU do the same thing again.

You negatively mind read, and you "wait" for him to guess or KNOW what to do with you. You make him responsible for the romance and foreplay in the M. I didn't hear you doing anything differently, except some positions in bed, which felt like a turn off to him b/c it sounded like analysis/criticism. Gotta admit, I can see why. Plus, did you verbalize it? I mean, if you were "explaining" the new position, etc, that would definitely cause defensiveness. Also, do you see how unfair it is for you to make HIM responsible for romance? I mean, I hate to say this so harshly, but are you are a good lover? Have you let things get too familiar as well?

As you age, you both are going to have some issues come up for you in the sexual arena. Deal with everything you can deal with NOW, while all the plumbing works. Otherwise, your later years will suck big time. Better to talk now, when it all can turn out so well... one thing I have to pass on, fwiw. This habit people have, mostly men, but women too, of "conflict avoidance". It's really cowardly. And it does not work. When someone thinks they are avoiding conflict, they are, at BEST, delaying the inevitable and the problem rarely is better with time. Problems are not like fine wines, aging for the better. The problems fester. And OFTEN the conflict avoiders drag in and involve and hurt, other people. SO, the very thing that the conflict avoidant person FEARS MOST, is Exactly what they end up Causing...

Fix what you can, and accept what you can't change. He sounds like a good man who needs some positive reinforcement and an ego boost, etc. Do YOU feel attractive to him? If so, great. Are you attracted TO him? Tell him he's "still got it", etc. Good luck,
j-