I met my w at our house about 7pm, we then went to eat Mexican and had a pitcher of margarita's. We talked and laughed. It was like old times. We saw people there that we knew and enjoyed talking with them. Things really seemed like they had always been.
When we got back to the house we went over the finances. I had prepared a list of expenses with her paying half and me paying half. She had not problem even when I pointed out that her expenses were going to exceed her income. She said that she had borrowed money from her parents. We talked about selling the house and getting it ready to put on the market.
During our finance talk she seemed very certain about divorce. We talked about it like it was something that we were doing together almost. It really was strange.
I also suggested that we both remain in the house, get it ready to sell, and after it's sold then deal with the divorce. She said that wouldn't work.
She then addressed some of the things that we had discussed the previous week about our sexual relationship and relationship in general. We talked until about 10:30pm. She cried and I offered a shoulder only to be told that she had wanted that for the past 10 years and not now.
I told her that I was sincere. That I had woken up late, but that I was very sincere in that I loved her and wanted her in my life. She said why should I believe you now. I asked her if she thought I was a sincere person and she agree ed. I again told her I was sincere about our relationship.
We have a friend that had cheated on his wife and they were able to patch things back up. You can see in his face that he is grateful for his marriage and that he got a second chance. It really is amazing. I told her this and that I too would be grateful to have a second chance.
She agreed that I had improved and that I had improved greatly since she had left. But that she had been wanting me to improve for the past 10 years and I wouldn't. I told her that I was sorry that I had done this, but that I was changing and could be the man she wanted.
She is very set on the problem that I had just now changed and hadn't in previous times when she was begging me. I really don't blame her for feeling this way and I told her I understood. Several times she said that I didn't understand.
I pray that she understands that I am sincere and that I am the man for her and that she won't give up completely.
I fear that she will still move out on the 5th, but I may still have a small chance. I need to figure out the next plan.
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Tonight I believe that I was able to do the following:
- be happy - be strong, self assured, confident, reassuring - be positive - be my old self --- confident!!! - don't be fake - be firm - listen - dress nice (new shirt/outfit) - if she cries let her and offer a strong shoulder - be empathic and caring toward her - crack a good joke or two - explain how the new testosterone med's have worked - go over the finances with her / show her my plan, but still flexible somewhat - tell her I am standing firm that I understand that she has the right to leave, but that I have know that things can be worked out - if she is scared, tell her that I understand and offer a shoulder - if she talks about selling the house, I will ask when she is available to help get it ready for the market - tell her that I've met some really nice people is the support groups - review the LD problems, if she brings it up - no R talk unless she brings it up -- then let her lead - no I miss you's - don't walk on eggshells - if she hurts my feelings, get over it or hide it well
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The following area's need improvement:
- that it is important to me that we will remain friends (never said this, however I think we had a friendly evening.)
- be a little mysterious (I really wasn't very mysterious, except she asked why I couldn't meet last night and I gave her an answer that could have been more mysterious.)
- no R talk unless she brings it up -- then let her lead (She brought it up, but I probably talked too much. I should have cut it shorter.)
- no ILY's (I did say that I was sincere in that I loved her and wanted her in my life. And I did say it a few times during the conversation. I think it was important to say it in the conversation, but I probably should have cut it shorter.)
- no pleading / begging (I really didn't beg like I had been doing before, but it might have appeared that I was begging some when I explained that I was now awake and that I was sincere. When I give my word on something, I stand by it. It's a good/bad fault I have. If I say I will do something, I do it, but there are times when I probably should have said I can't do it. This is especially true in business and probably also part of the reason why I'm in the situation I'm in. Too may promises that I feel that I must keep to clients and others. I should have put my wife first at all times.)
- I should have cut it off sooner and left. However, not in a needy / crying way I still kept running my damn mouth. Even after I put my shoes back on and got ready to leave. I really wasn't pleading in the way that I've done before. It was different, but it probably would be considered pleading in a way. But it wasn't whiney. Does this make sense?)
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I think she knows where I stand and how I feel about her. It really just depends on wither she can get past me not doing it sooner. I think she knows that I am sincere, but I think she is still mad and doesn't trust me. And wants to "punish" me.
I think that she will probably move out next Saturday (May 5th). But I still may have a very small chance with her. She's mad about the past still and I don't know that she'll be very quick to turn it back around. (and I really don't blame her) She said during our finance talk that she really doesn't see it working out. But then, later she seemed to still be thinking about it.
I'm not sure that it will work out for us, but I tried and that's all I can do.
Right now I am in peace, but then that may just be the margarita's....
Thanks everyone for their support and help. I've learned so much and really feel better about myself. If she does leave it's going to really hurt and if she divorces me it's going to hurt even more, but some how I think I can probably make it.
I just hope she'll give me one last chance.....
I'm looking forward to comments on how others think I did tonight. Don't be shy, if I need a kick, then kick me. I can take it. It'll make me a better person!!
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P.S. Hey Corri, I think they are getting bigger.... Take a look.... I didn't cry or whine and didn't do the desperate begging/pleading that I've done before. I was much stronger and confident than a week ago. One day they'll be huge. -- Ever heard the AC/DC song "We've got big balls"?
