I'm getting this. S23 came over to spend the night and he and S15, who just got through segment one of the graduated driver's license program in our state, just went to town together.
I realized that part of my problem is that he's been gone for work since 12/05 (minus visits both ways) and I'm just overwhelmed and tired of being a single parent who's married. I can be the best me I can be, but I can't be him. Our son needs him to sit in the passenger seat once in awhile and get chauffeured around. I spoke to the boys about respecting my time and helping me keep this place up. Since they've been helping I'm getting just a little bit more comfortable about waiting until things fall into place and we can be together.
I just need to get to that place I was at when I first let him go with the trust and faith to do what he had to so that we could get out of this financial eddy. If I can get there in my heart and remember the things I've learned along the way about how I betrayed him by not listening to his *cries for help* and keep my head... I just know we can do this.
I'm starting to enjoy and appreciate the time I have left here with my family and friends and getting a little less anxious to leave it. I just need to see him really soon, here or there, and I know we will able to handle any adversity we face without giving up. S15 and I started planning a Father's Day trip in June. I hope he can get home for a bit before that, but just making a plan with S15 has given me a goal and a little bit of space.
He will be going through a lot this weekend. I will not call him with my drama or have a meltdown just to test him and see if he'll put me above her. I will check my ego right now. I will be there for him if he needs to talk and LISTEN instead of "bait" him for reassurance that he has chosen me. I will read the *Listening Reflectively* post again and stop talking so much...fishing for reassurance. I HATE that I keep doing that.
