Its over...she filed part 2

[OldFool]

I only call so D can talk to her before going to bed. I don't even typically talk to her other than saying bye and then hanging up since D's too little to hang up the phone by herself.

OK, but apparently that one second on the phone saying "Bye" is enough to put you in a tailspin (according to your posts). If that's a trigger point for you, then let your D say "Bye" and then you just hang up...don't listen or say a thing.

I signed the divorce paperwork yesterday and yet I act/feel like she's still my wife - I don't know how to not feel that way.

Gosh, I'm not sure how to help you. You're hanging onto your failed M like grim death. You've gotten some good advice from others, but I wonder if it's doing any good. For example:

W's b.day is coming up, I'm trying to figure out what to get her if anything. On the one hand I feel she doesn't deserve anything from me for what she's doing but on the other hand she deserves a gift as a mother of my D.

Are you kidding? As the mother of your D, she deserves a gift from your D on Mother's day. She deserves no gift from you on her birthday, Mother's day, or any other holiday.

One thing I might suggest is to start forcing yourself to refer to her as "soon-to-be-ex-wife", "ex-wife", "X", or something similar to remind yourself that your relationship to her is changing or will change soon. This has helped some people detach (though it may be tempting, I do not recommend using other titles such as "that bitch" ).

[ImprovedRomeo]

In regard to her b.day. She continues to be friendly with me and brought me back a shirt when she was out of town a couple of weeks ago. It seems rude to not get her anything for her b.day but if y'all think that's the way it should be then I won't get her anything.

[OldFool]

I think you should do what you feel is right (after all, you're the one who has to live with the decision). I don't necessarily mean you shouldn't do it, but I stand by my statement that she doesn't deserve it (that is, she is not "owed" this courtesy). If you want to give her something, fine, but I'm worried about a mindset that believes this is either required or (reasonably) expected.

[kikisum]

hey sr-
just getting back onto my computer after a break of sorts... i did get your e-mail and will reply soon. as far as gifts, try not getting her anything. i'm afraid you are making things a bit too easy on her. she feels as though you are still there, as you always have been, no matter how poorly she treats you. this thing is a done deal for right now, so i think it would actually do you and her some good if you push her away a bit. don't be an a$$hole, but don't be nice either. just indifferent.

as for your feelings, get angry. let yourself feel. this is the only way to truly get to the place you need to be. some say that divorce is worse than death; your loved one is so close, yet impossible to touch. i totally understand your want to hang on to her, and if you want to keep a bit of hope for your relationship, do it, but keep it in a tiny little box on a shelf. it must be put away for now.

sr, you have got to find your power and take it back.

[OldFool]

Some say that divorce is worse than death;

This is so true because in both cases, the person is gone (as least as far as you're concerned), but with a death, you generally know they still loved you and wouldn't have gone had they been given the choice. With divorce, they not only want to leave, they often take every opportunity to tell you they want to leave and that they don't love you--a double hit.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well I thought I'd give you all a quick update on my sitch. I got her a b.day card from my daughter and a small bakeware set (I guess from both D and I). I realized no matter what her behavior I'll try to be the person I am as long as it's without any expectations. I don't expect her to say thank you, I don't expect her to see me in a better light. I just did it without any expectations.

I was listening to a radio talk show a few days ago in which someone called in, she was in a similar situation and the talk show host basically told her that she was a pathetic loser for hanging on to the guy after he's been nothing but an @ss to her. He said "if you weren't a pathetic loser my dear you'd tell him to F off". I took this to heart and said to myself I'm successful, I'm handsome, I'm not a pathetic loser...hell no. I don't call her, I don't contact her unless it's strictly business, when she makes small talk I give her a one or two word answer or a half smile and ignore it. I'm feeling quite OK lately just being alone but I'm missing friendships. I still don't have friends to go to the mall with or go grab lunch or dinner with.

I've also started working out; I can do 12 standing bicep curls with 25lb dumbells and I'm bench pressing about 65lbs - hey that's 40% my own body weight lol

[OldFool]

Hang in there.

I just did it without any expectations.

That's the only way you can do it and feel OK no matter what.

I don't call her, I don't contact her unless it's strictly business, when she makes small talk I give her a one or two word answer or a half smile and ignore it.

Probably a good thing at this point until you get a better feel for the lay of the land (so to speak). Keep it short, but sweet.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Last week I signed the divorce papers and sent them back through my lawyer.

I ended up spending most of the day with W today due to a prior arrangement for taking D out together. It amazes how W's so friendly and comfortable around me. She asks me for advice on cars, gadgets, computers etc. In the recent past she'd been getting all such advice through all the 'friends' at her work so I don't know if she's just giving me the bait and if so why?

Still she won't ever go near the R talk or the divorce talk or anything like that. I sometimes wonder if she's truly moved on and just wants to keep a friendly relationship with me. I mean hello she filed for the divorce so she most likely has moved on.

Today she mentioned she hasn't been sleeping well all the time. She mentioned she woke up a few times in the last couple of weeks and couldn't fall back asleep for hours. I remember she could sleep anytime, anywhere under any condition or noise level. Is that perhaps an indication she's thinking about the relationship/marriage etc?

[OldFool]

I wouldn't read too much into anything...you've got almost no hope of being right. I do, however, think there is another option you may not be considering...denial. As they say, it's not just a river in Egypt.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Glad to see you're around OF, where the link to your latest?

Wonder how Kiki's doing.