Yay. With a *sports package* added to the cable bundle we can actually watch the hockey play offs when we move. Okay. It's official. We can do this. :-)
We *watched* a hockey game together last night over the phone.
Today we had to have a few conversations involving both financial setbacks and the xow. I wish she could just disappear already. Instead, it's going to be a bit longer before he can take the time off work and spend the money to come "home".
The conversation later got much better when he called from a place he "can't wait to take me to" when I come down. As he described the menu and the kids jumping in the river that made him feel more comfortable about moving our son into the area, I realized something. We just have to keep dreaming together and planning for what will be when we get out of this nightmare.
I have another rough weekend coming up. Sunday he has to go do a sort of property exchange with xow. Tonight, on every logical level I have and every emotional fiber of my soul, I know she means nothing to him and he wants to be with me and our family more than ever. But. For once, I want to be able to keep that faith throughout the weekend and enjoy MY life while waiting for OUR life to begin again. I don't want to have to fight insecurity and fear. Feelings I NEVER had until I was slammed with the fact that my husband was having an affair and "didn't plan on ending it anytime soon". I want the awareness of how I contributed to this without the pathetic sense of outrage that she is taking up another Sunday of our life. To be honest... that there is one more Sunday that I can't call my husband to say "hi" and he won't call to tell me about the latest bird he saw or song he just heard.
Anyhow. I'm glad I had the space to write this down. I really can't talk to anyone about this stuff and writing it helps me resolve it as I go along. Maybe this time I'll be better and in less pain. Maybe this time, since I'm preparing myself and thinking about something I'm going to do on Sunday, I won't cry myself to sleep or wake up feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
